A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Our 19-year-old son recently "came out" to us, and we both told him that we would accept him whatever - gay, straight, bisexual.However, he's told us that although he knows he's gay, he told us it's innate, he wants to get rid of his homosexual feelings, he said it doesn't feel right for him, he sees himself as a man with a wife and children, and hates having feelings for men - he said it's innate, but it doesn't mean he has to follow itHe told us he wants help, and we want to help him, but what's the best way?Fortunately [for now] he isn't depressed, but I am concerned about this, so any help is welcomed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2011): He needs to lose the idea that there's anything wrong with his sexuality. It's innate, it's natural and wonderful. It will just take time for him to understand this and embrace it.
He CAN'T help the way he is or do anything about it, and denying it or suppressing his sexual longings will only make him very unhappy in the long run. Right now he's in a scary place, it is TERRIFYING to find out you're gay, but it gets easier once you take that step of admitting it to yourself and others.
Well done to you for being supportive. It's largely up to him where he goes from here, but of course having supportive parents is a huge help. Maybe tell him what I've said above and make it clear that you don't see it as at all a bad thing.
I would worry that because he's reacted so negatively to finding out his sexuality, he's in danger of doing what homosexuals used to do for years before the gay-rights revolution, bottling it up and getting married and having guilty encounters with men and feeling awful afterwards. What's needed is for him to be proud of who he is. That's up to him, but you can help by telling him how proud YOU are, and how brave it was for him to come out.
I hope you'll be fine and so will he. Best of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): In what way do you want to help him?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 July 2011):
 I think he would need to speak to someone with experience in this. I would suggest you look for your local chapter of PFLAG http://www.pflag.co.uk/ and start there. If you are supportive of him as he comes to grips with the reality of his sexual preference, I'm sure he'll find a way to reach a true peace.
I would not recommend him getting married for appearances' sake. It's not fair to the woman in question, unless he had done full disclosure.
At any rate, start with the people who have been through this and get some referrals there, at the link I found for you.
Best wishes to you and your son.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): He told us that he does not want to be gay, he finds it wrong for himself to be this, and says he has no issue with other people being it, just not him.
He has told me he believes "just because something's innate, it doesn't mean you have to be it".
He's even gone as far as to suggest trying to be ex-gay, and says he wants to be a heterosexual man with a wife and children, and said that being gay just brings abuse, homophobia and even violence, and for him, he'd rather just be heterosexual, because that's what he wants.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 July 2011):
 I'm so sorry your son feels like that. It can be extremely difficult after realizing he's gay that his whole life will be different from the nuclear sitcom style presented to everyone as ideal.Try to see it from his point of view for a minute just to try to understand what he's going through. When a cohesive family is presented it's just about always a straight family. Most of his close friends were most likely from straight families. When you think of "family" a lot of people will think of a mom, dad, and two kids. I've seen maybe two movies where a functioning family is shown with gay parents without being gay being the focus, it's simply shown as normal.And what about what an acceptable gay man is? Usually in "happy" shows and movies, the gay man is presented as flamboyant, the "gay best friend" shopping partner, the one who dishes relationship advice to his girlfriends, etc... Usually when gay men not fitting this are shown, it's shown as drama or sad, or in a serious setting.In short terms, there is an invisibility of gay families or gay men have more to their personalities than just being gay.It's probably extremely difficult for him to visualize what his life as a gay man could look like, that he can be gay AND have a family. That he can continue his life as is with the same friends, the same goals, the same personality, just with a man instead of with a woman. These are important things to think about when you talk to him.
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