A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I spoke to my dad the other day on the phone for the first time in a while. I've never lived with him and he has recently married his long-term girlfriend, who I have never got on with. When I was younger and obligated to stay with him occasionally, I felt enormously intimidated by her for reasons I don't want to go into. The last time I saw her was 3 years ago, aged 17, when she made a lot of upsetting comments about me as a person (I honestly don't know if they were intended maliciously, however either way she is quite a verbally aggressive and temperamental person) and eventually locked me in a room and was screaming in my face for hours so I ended up leaving as soon as I could.I've only recently got back in touch with my dad and we discussed to possibility of meeting up. The problem is, he refuses to meet me more than a couple of times without her also being there.As a result, I've decided not to see him. I know that if his girlfriend and I meet, there will be conflict that is stressful for everyone involved and just the idea of seeing her freaks me out.Let's be clear - I'm not insisting he and his wife break up in order for me to see him. I'm not even asking to come to their house and for her to go out. I simply want to meet occasionally to spend time together in a neutral place, just me and him. What they do at any other time is none of my concern.However, he said I am being very unreasonable and that it's unfair on her if she feels excluded from a part of his life. They are one of those intensely close couples and she can be quite demanding in how she speaks to him, for example getting annoyed if he wears clothes she doesn't like.They as live on the other side of the country to me - he moved there shortly after I was born, having met her because she was at university there.Am I being unreasonable? Honest opinions please, because I'm genuinely unsure.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 I forgot to add, this isn't really a step-mom issue. The issue is with your Dad.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 February 2014):
I agree too. YOU are NOT being unreasonable. And HE knows your reasons why. HE knows she doesn't "like" you but HE prioritize HER higher then you.
We had my husband's son once in a while and I had him visit for long week-ends while my husband was deployed - my stepson and I get a long pretty well and he get along with my kids well too. So it was never a problem.
HOWEVER - my husband would have times where he took his SON to the movies - picked him up after school and took him out for dinner or to a game. (his son is 10 years older them our oldest) but that was mainly MY idea, as I thought it was a good idea for them to have some alone time. My husband missed much of his childhood being overseas so it was.. common sense?
I think your dad is using HER as an excuse. He KNOWS how you two don't mix and by saying SHE has to be part of it... he knows you rather not come visit. (just my guess)
He sounds like a piss-poor excuse of a dad. (pardon me)
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 February 2014):
 Absolutely not,stick to your guns. He should be honoured that you are prepared to spend time with him.
That you do not wish his wife to be there is up to you, your asking no more than a little of his time to build a relationship of some sort. She is his wife, his choice, not yours. She has never been good to you so why should you spend time with her?
If he cannot stand up to her it speaks volumes about him, his weak character.
He is your dad and your merely asking he be one
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2014):
I agree with all the comments below. It is absolutely not good enough that she was able to treat you in the way she did, and that he should be insisting she come along. This smacks of a man who is actually terribly weak willed. She treated you appallingly, and you do not have to have her back in your life. I would simply say to your father that he should not be emotionally blackmailing you or abusing you in this way, and until such time as he accepts that you don't want to see her, there is no way he can see you.
If he can't protect you, if he can't stand beside you, if he can't even meet you for a short time without that women, then he's not much of a father.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 You are NOT being unreasonable. The appropriate attitude for your father to take is to want to see you, to be part of your life, on whatever terms make you feel comfortable and wanting to be with him. A proper man would put his kids first. He would not force his new wife on you, particularly with that kind of history -- seriously, locking you in a room and screaming?? She deserves to be excluded from your life. If they are such a package deal that he can't see you for lunch from time to time, well then he's making his bed.
Stick to your guns on this. Let him know that you want a relationship with him, but that at this time you feel that including her would prevent you and him enjoying your visits together. And be open to giving her another chance down the road, when you've become comfortable with him. If he chooses not to see you now, perhaps he'll come around in time.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 Your not be unreasonable at all.
Enforce this. You don't have to put up with her, and shouldn't even acknowledge her at all.
Your Dad can man up a bit and come and see you from time to time.
His partner will cry at first, but will get used to it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 February 2014):
 No you are not being unreasonable. Had she been nicer to you, you would probably be living with them and looking up to her as a mother figure. She was abusive and intensively possessive of her husband. Your dad is a wimp and would rather lose the father-daughter connection, he would turn a blind eye to her mistreatment towards you, than to lose that bitch as a wife. This post makes me feel angry and doubtful about people's ability to be parents. They are being unreasonable and somehow he is smitten by her and brainwashed by her. My honest opinion is that if your dad can't stand up to you then he is not much of a dad and it won't make any difference if you see him or not.
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