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female
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*asha19
writes: My boyfriend's mother won't let us have a proper relationship. It has been four months now. I moved to another state to live with my boyfriend. He still lives with his mother and refuses to move out. She controls every aspect of his life, including when we talk. We're not allowed to be a normal couple around her and she gets angry when we go out anywhere together and is constantly on the phone. She is always very cruel to both of us, constantly criticising us in an appalling way. She makes me spend all of my money on her and I am not allowed to do homework as I am meant to be doing all the work around the house instead. I really love my boyfriend and know that he is the one, but what can I do to resolve this terrible situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2005): The only WAY you and your bf will ever attain a decent life together is, if he moves out and begins his life anew with you. His Mother is a bully, hun and you both will never get any peace, if he continues to allow her railroad you too. My rule of thumb: disrespect is unacceptable, I don't care who it is. She must learn to treat her adult son and you with dignity and respect. He must realize that it's okay to give himself permission to exercise the choice of whether he will allow this to continue or not. The best thing he can do is talk to his Mother. It's not up to you to talk to her-this is something he MUST do on his own, without you in the room. He has to be strong and set some tough boundries with her. Making his boundries clear is not impolite or malicious; it's simply being assertive-NOT aggressive and there is a huge difference. When one is aggressive you announce your feelings and desires without consideration of others. An assertive person is sensitive to those around them but does not take responsibiltiy for the other person's bad behaviour. He needs to be "assertive" with his Mom especially if she is being petty, cruel and critical. There is no excuse for this behavior (it's been her choice) and she must be told she is fully accountable for her behaviours. He could use wording similar to this:
"Mom, I want you to understand that I believe you are behaving rudely and being abusive toward me and ____. (you). I don't know why you do it, but it reprehensible. I would love to have a better, nicer, more loving relationship with you but until you treat me and _____ with the dignity and respect we deserve, you are not welcome in our lives. Either make the choice to redefine the way you deal with us, or abide by this boundry I'm setting here. Do not underestimate my resolve, Mom-you will never intimidate or be cruel to me or ____, ever again."
He needs to shut this down with Mom and shut it down immediately or she will always RULE your lives. When he speaks with her, he should remain calm but serious. Keep giving him the support he needs..this may be a tough thing for him to do, but it's the only way. I wish you both well..no one should ever tolerate this, no matter what. Good luck.
Hugs, Irish
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