A
female
age
51-59,
*atheriner
writes:I need some advice. I have been divorced for two years, this was my second marriage I had two children from my first one from my second. My second marriage was abusive. I got the strength together and rebuilt my life without help or assistance. Not long after I split from my second Husband I started going out with my first Husband - we split as we grew apart and he had an affair. At first it was great and nice to feel like a family as we were together fourteen years before we split. Then he started being bossy about where we would go and he seemed to have alcohol issues. This was too much for me after an abusive relationship being controlled again made me run a mile. He went mad was extremely abusive verbally and hurtful. I said we could be friends he didn't want to he wanted it all and now. I couldn't be rushed. I dated other people and the contact with my ex in relation to the children was very very difficult he was mean rude nasty and the kids picked upon it. I know it was jelousy but I could tell he was drinking also. I went to see him one day to sort it out and he pushed me against a door frame. From that day though it settled down. My dates have not gone well. I was second best to one. THe other didn't get my kids will always come first. I vowed to be single for the sake of my sanity and my kids. My ex and I have in the past two months manahed to be civil. I saw him in a toy shop the other day and he was very civil. Then tonight he asked me to go with him and the kids to a firework display. I would love to have that family back again but I would need time as friends to see if that would work but I don't think hes capable of doing that and I could put us and more importantly the kids back to that angry nasty place we where in six months agoif it doesn't work out as it didn't before. I texted him and said thank you for the invite but I don't want to cause animosity so a bit of distance may be better. It makes me sad because at one stage we were a good Team and Ive never trusted anyone like I did him. Ive become a very scared lady. Scared of making the wrong decision ending up somewhere I don't want to be. So do I sit on my own in my house safe but without love forever? My friend introduced me to a man the other day single 40 no kids a simple guy not flash seems nice but will a guy like that fit into my family life? I have three children and a very high level full time post - will he help me? Will he realise where I go the kids go? I want to keep the kids out of my relationships but what's the point in taking time to get to know someone then you have wasted that time when you realise they don't gel with your kids? Can I be bothered anymore? Do I pass up my ex because the problems will come back? Do I pass up this new guy for favour of just being on my own? Or do I give him a chance? I'm a mess. I know I don't need anyone I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy but sometime I do think it would be nice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Why do you need a partner ? I would stay single until the kids grow up, and then see what's available.
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (3 November 2013):
 First of all, from what you have said there seems to be a consistent pattern to your relationship with your first husband. And the pattern is very familiar to almost anyone who has decided to revisit troubled relationships of the past. It is safe to say the "good behavior" and respect your first husband shows initially each time you reunite is not his true nature. If he has reverted rather quickly to the same negative behavior each time then you can expect that to be who he really is.
Men who are abusive towards a woman, especially physically, do not change. Period. They may have better days, or be on their best behavior following an "episode", but ultimately they lack several characteristics that prevent other men from doing the same. In particular, they lack self-control over their anger and respect for women (among other things). These are not things that change later in life!
Although I don't have kids, I have to think that seeing abusive behavior towards you even ONE TIME will be very damaging to your kids, and lead them to accept that such behavior is normal. This is how young men decide it is okay to do the same, and young women decide it is to be expected.
You also have to deal with the emotional baggage from his affair, and worry about whether he would do that again. It just seems like there are MANY legitimate reasons for both you and your kids to maintain a healthy distance from your first husband.
Not trying to preach, I'm sure you have thought of this many many times.
My suggestion would be to not rush any decision you make. Give the new guy a chance, as that is the only way to know if he will fit your situation. If it doesn't work out with him, there will be more chances!
Hope the best for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Stop recycling your exes. You always end up back to square one with those guys. It's convenient, and they're the fathers of your kids. That makes it simpler; because you know the kids are safe.You need to date outside the loop. You need to get a good feel of the personality of any guy you bring into your life.Your kids come first. No ifs, and's, or buts. That's established without question. Find out how guys you date feel about kids; before you go anywhere, or do anything with any man. Consider any hesitation a deal-breaker. Your babies aren't going anywhere; men are disposable and replaceable.I always say wait a couple of months of consistent and regular dating; before these men meet your children. They know they're there; just keep him at arm's length for their safety. Just until you know how he feels about you, and where things are going.When you do introduce the guy to your kids, please ask the children their opinions; that is, if they are old enough to tell you. Listen to them. Is he scary or ugly? Does he talk funny? They have a very objective opinion. That's valuable. They will also protect you from what you don't see. Oh, teens love to give their opinions. Remember what your opinions were about the people they've dated. What goes around, comes around, dear mummy!Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. You are not asking for their approval or permission, you are asking for their opinion. They know, you're the boss. How they feel about who you're with matters. Their safety and welfare comes first. If he doesn't seem to like them. Deal-breaker. Kick his ass to the curb. I say, date the new guy. You need companionship and to be fulfilled as a woman. You know the outcome with all the rest. Stop dealing with those knuckleheads. Time for a change, dear lady! Just never lose focus on the little people. Just make it clear to all prospective suitors, your children are your life; and as long as things are good, all is well. One slip, and it's over.
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