A
male
age
30-35,
*eartmender
writes:Hi, I have a kinda hard situation regarding my parent/s. The story is this: when I was 6 my mum and dad got divorced and me and my sis went with mum, as is standard procedure I think. Then very shortly after that she met who would become my step-dad (let's call him Mike). They had 2 kids together and all was well in the first year or so, but then when I was 9 he started being REALLY temperamental and aggressive (not as in hitting us, but rather shouting and screaming in our faces and smashing objects AROUND us). I dare say the fact that his blood was 75% alcohol didn't help much... Anyway, these outbursts weren't very frequent, as in there was enough time between them for you to feel safe again. However they got more serious as time went on and eventually he went too far (when I was 11 he smashed my room up with me in it and made me think I was gonna die just because I wanted to ask mum a question before bed.) Mum said if he ever flipped out like that again he was OUT, so he never flipped out like that again. He just filled our lives with psychological and emotional abuse and torment instead, in between good spells which ended up becoming part of the torment of living with him. Mum wanted to home-educate me but he forced me to be his labourer in the garden and in his other building projects around the house (not just putting up shelves, but putting down floors, re-wiring rooms, taking down asbestos ceilings etc.). Him being a 6ft5 Goliath there wasn't much we could do to stop him. Anyway, in 2007 when I was 13 he left the family but stayed in town. Now, I'd just like to point out that Mike isn't 100% bastard, and his nice side is really nice and funny. Also I think he has a kind of mental disorder like Asperger's or something. 3 years down the line he's started creeping back into our lives, partly by way of a business venture with mum as they still get on as friends. Now he's started coming every day, taking up OUR time and treating the house like it's HIS, which it isn't. AND he's started staying over (not for sex I don't think, but just sleeping on the sofa to save himself the effort of walking up in the morning). Now, I've said to mum how I feel about him. Yes, the past is over and probably won't repeat itself because I'm his size now, but that doesn't take away the fact that this guy STOLE my childhood from me! He will NEVER control me like he used to if I can do ANYTHING to stop it. I said these things and more to mum, and she said 1-I'm only 16 and she's 44 so she has way more experience than me ("experience" being a code word for "practice in messing things up"...) 2- She's an adult and it's her life (which is true, and if I wasn't still at home I wouldn't be so vehemently opposed to him weaseling his way back in with her, but unfortunately it DOES affect me, so surely I have a small say?) and 3- He isn't going to weasel his way back into our lives. Well, there's evidence that he damn well IS doing just that downstairs this very moment!! She's already let him get to a point where she can't go back and say "no you can't sleep on the sofa" etc. because if he says "why the change of heart?" she'd have to say "my son told me too", which I know would be wrong. I'm not her boss. BUT if she'd shown a bit of forethought (and let's face it, good taste!!!) this dilemma wouldn't be in existence now. SO... I'm 17 next month and I'd LOVE to just get a small apartment somewhere and GET OUT OF HERE but I have no qualifications or rich relatives to help me get money to provide for myself, nor do I have friends who could put me up. I'm not stupid, in fact I'd consider myself quite intelligent but I haven't got a piece of paper that says so... I see no way to carry on living here while he crawls around. Call me unreasonable if you want, but I'm polite to him and don't wish him any harm. I just can't live with him after all the years of crap and abuse he put me and my family through (and, however 'charming' he is, I don't see how mum can accept him so readily). Me and my mum are close and I think there's a good bond of respect there, but this is going to cause BIIIIG rifts between us soon. Do you have any suggestions? Either for dealing with the problem at home or getting away from it, I'd be grateful for either, but I can't see a way out myself...
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male
reader, Heartmender +, writes (19 July 2010):
Heartmender is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the reply Bernard, although I'm not really an army kind of guy. I'd lose all the little quixotic things that make me "me" through the training/ "de-humanization", but if that worked out fine for you then I'm happy for you and hope you have a great life despite the difficulties in your past. :o)
Also, I just remembered I DO have one asset and that is that (not meaning this to sound vain or conceited) I'm a very skilled guitarist/songwriter. I suppose I could pursue this as a form of income, but I thought music was a kind of gradual thing and most people have to have another job to support their musical career? Anyway, thanks for taking the time to answer :)
A
female
reader, hotcookie +, writes (19 July 2010):
 firstly WOAH i wish i was that smart n mature at 17! and secondly- hunni does your mum know exactly how you are feeling? is she still inlove with mike? does he love your mum? i think you could stay and keep telling your mum until she stops and listens to you and at the same time go and study get your qualifications. because with a job and a salary you have a few more options
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A
male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 stay and fight, you can get away when you're older but it's not done yet. If it tears you down, I'd suggest you run but I don't get that idea from what you've written. It seems like you're strong enough to let it spin you the right way. For all your sakes, fight it through and don't stop until your goal is reached. Move on when you're 18 or something but until then, be the man of the house and look after your mother, your sister and yourself. If he makes your house a worse place and/or your family's lives worse then get rid of him. Your mom might not see it. I don't know why but it seems it happens quite often in those situations. You're right, your childhood is probably taken away and it feels so bad. You shouldn't have dealt with that in the first place, you didn't deserve it but it happened. Time to set things right from now on and do the right thing. Figure out why 'mike' is like that and change him or down right throw him out. Whatever's bad for your family, lose it.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Well, I got to say, you got a good head on your shoulders, and altho you have had some bad times growing up, it aint done you any harm, you are very well put together young man, your articulate and are fully aware of your feelings.Alot of men, are under the impression that boys need a firm hand, some do, but it sounds like it was unneccessary for you, but all that you went thru, you've dealt with, and come thru it.In an ideal world,and as a mum, I'd love to say, Stay, make it work, but too much has gone on, and I understand your need to get out, and admire your determination to.You need to find a way into a job that will give you a steady income, The building industry is still reeling from the reccession at the moment, but you need to include the work you have done, you say you've gardened/landscaped, done some flooring, re-wired room, (altho dont do that again, thats deffo a job for a professional) and other things, onto you cv, and send it to everyone and anyone who can offer you an apprenticeship or work with college course. Even if you dont get any joy, it may help you decide where you want to take your life.The law states that: You can move out of the family home. (If you're under 17 then Social Services may apply for a Care Order).Check this site out these sites, the first tells you what you are able to do, and your rights, the second gives your hundreds of rooms available in and around your area.http://www.thesite.org/homelawandmoney/law/yourrights/whatagecanihttp://www.spareroom.co.uk/ has hundreds of rooms available, I wish you the best of luck.
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