A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Starving for Sex with the woman I love - Am I crazy?I feel pretty weird for even writing this, and I dont know how to even talk about it with her anymore. My gf and I have been dating seriously for almost 2 yrs now (She's a Leo and I'm a Sagittarius). I strongly believe we are not in sync sexually, our past experiences are completely opposite(we both have the same # of ex partners). In her experience sex was never that great and she was never satisfied and mostly in pain, whereas mine was nothing short of wild, exciting and frankly created a bit of an animal in me. In the early stages of our relationship I wanted nothing more than to learn what makes her feel great in bed and give her all the pleasure I possibly could, with that goal in mind I think she's opened herself up more and says now she's having powerful orgasms like she's never had and that she never knew making love could feel like this and she's really satisfied (which to me is music to my ears and is awesome knowing she's getting hers lol). The problem is that I don't feel like I'm getting the kind of attention I'd like sexually and to be honest...my girlfriend's um "special area" has a time limit, in that my being inside her causes pain if we go for too long. If we dont work fast enough she'll ask me "Are you nearly there?", and once she orgasms that's it it's done. Sometimes she in so much pain from me entering (with lube) that it tears me apart seeing her in that state, I always ask if she wants to just stop and when this happens it's a horrible experience for us both and I feel like a jerk. Frequency (or serious lack thereof) often goes more than a whole week without sex, and when we have it it's only once. The worst part for me personally is that recieving oral is really not enjoyable. Early on I used to try to express what I like but she wouldn't and still does not listen at all to me (I've stopped trying because it's awkward for me), so I feel a certain resentment building due to lack of sex and poor communication, my previous partner would listen and really make an effort to try different things with me and frankly that was the best sex I've ever had..it's was like we were hungry for each other (the ex was a Sagittarius also)I spend a lot time researching relationships just to see what's going on and to try to better understand if what's happening with us is unusual or even common for others. I try to learn different ways to make her happy in bed and don't think the thought has crossed her mind where I'm concerned. I even tried to give a hint by focusing all on her one night and putting myself aside completely and it just got awkward. I honestly do not feel I can share any of this with her because it feels like we can't have a frequent sex life and it's becoming very frustrating for me. So much so I'm starting to wonder if things will ever change.My current girlfriend is great but our lovemaking leaves me wanting every time and I'm losing my mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your support, I really couldn't talk to those close to me just because ifhe sensitivity of the subject and how it Involves my girlfriend But most of all you've given me more to think about knowing that o can open up to her and have my say starting off with the issue of her pains. I wait for the right time to talk to her about the other stuff and see ifi can push for her to see a doctor. shes been to a gyne this year so I'm wondering if anything was brought up then. Either way, I'd feel better knowIng she'd go to get checked out.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 She doesn't listen and becomes defensive, well, that is her problem, not yours, you already seem to be making an effort to spare her feelings. Start by telling her that unfortunately sex talks can't be avoided, especially when there are problems (you won't be telling her anything new) - and since she doesn't initiate these talks (just a wild guess) then someone has to. You can still sound caring and gentlemanly without having to invent new words to not hurt her. Tell her that you care (she should know that) and precisely because of this you are interested in how she feels, how you feel and are, therefore, opening the subject. This alone shouldn't make her overly sensitive, but give her an occasion to also talk about what she has noticed lately, about new solutions to improve your intimacy, etc. Tell her that you are reluctant to explain her certain situations that can be for the benefit of both and you would like to see more enthusiasm from her and feel that she is happy to listen to each other to make your experiences together all the more enjoyable. Your talks should not feel like a walk on a mined ground because she is easily hurt - I hope she can tend to see it's necessary to collaborate each and every time you notice you have a problem - and not only. The first step is that visit to the doctor's. It's not OK that she hasn't been there if it's not a recent problem. And after that, you will have to discuss the effects, the progress, and many more, also (later) sharing some of your fantasies (both of you) and try and have fun with them, teach each other what you enjoy and meet an open ear and an unfrowned face. It could be vaginal dryness for which there are solutions available. Her doctor will tell for sure and give her treatments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ satindesire I hear you, and I'm going to have to think long and hard about how I can speak my mind delicately without offending her. I want her to know I care and not come off in an attacking tone if you get my drift.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFurthermore I'm hesitant to tell her anything because she's already sensitive to her body and feels like it's all her fault...so I've tried to make it an us issue and not all about her. These talks between us are practically a minefield of communication and stepping back and looking at all this I feeling than I'm just going to have to tell her either way even though it's just making me pretty down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for the feedback, I didn't mention that to her I might be too big meaning that any penetration often causes her pain. I do not want to cause her pain so oral foreplay and lube use help matters along with easing inside her. As for the amount of time it takes for her discomfort to rise it can happen anywhere from start or it'll happen 10-20 minutes into intercourse (it's not like I clock our time if you get my drift). This really concerns me because I think I'm average sized and just don't understand how I could cause her so much discomfort with my D, but that's what she says.
@ Bitterblue she's not into porn so I'm not going to ask for her to watch. It would be nice if she would just listen to me a little but when I try she fires it back at me like all I have are complaints so she gets frustrated and then I just don't want to talk about it- we often end the evening without sex so I take care of myself like any single guy would do and that's crazy to me. I've tried mentioning to her that it'd be nice if our frequency of sex could be a bit more frequent, but 1. she never has the energy so I drop it, 2. she's so sore after the fact and can't go on so I drop it... Why bother when it's like forcing her to do something so terrible? I'd never make her do anything she doesn't want to. 3. these dry sex spells go on so long that by the time we do get to it, her period crashes the party so it's like she spends more time on her period than being up for it. She slept over just the other night which was special, and in the morning I tried to get close to her and she said I was greedy (she doesn't like morning sex either), so I end up feeling like a pig and I just don't know what more I can do...it's like it's not an us decision but when ever she wants to (by saying she's a Leo she takes charge and really thats how she is all the time) Nothing I say really means much. I don't feel like initiating with her as much because it's becoming less intimate with all these obstacles in the way...the biggest being her pain when it feels like she's fighting and wincing through the moments. She says that inactivity causes her special area to close up a bit so I didn't press the issue after that.
@ Beingblack I know where you're coming from and you're right to a point, giving your partner pleasure so that they can get theirs is awesome. But to me while a relationship is about putting your partner first, wouldn't you like to know they feel the same way? Well I put more in than what I get in some areas and I don't like it. I'm guilted into giving foot rubs and massages and I'm never asked NOT ONCE - but I put it aside to make her happy. I think I spoil her and it's my own fault because we argue over HER massages every time I see her (most evenings and weekends)..what am I, a live in masseuse?
It's getting to the point that it's getting harder to keep from her all my frustration and shes knows me well enough to tell when somethings wrong...so I say something else.
I think you guys might be right in that our communication really needs work, because our sex life may be suffering the most, but just talking to each other can be trying at times in that she can be pretty damn insensitive towards me in how she speaks. I try to be a gentleman 100%, and she's a lady most of the time but behind closed doors can be very rude also.
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reader, bitterblue +, writes (22 December 2009):
You need to work harder on the communication part. I understand your frustration but you shouldn't give up on showing her what you enjoy, you sound almost put off of any sexual activity or talk about sex, things can only go downhill from there unless something changes. If it's not an organic incompatibility that you are having and her problem is treatable, you still have a difference in fantasies, as it seems, to work on. Hers might be more toned down than yours, hence the not being able to do quite everything you'd like. How about that? Does she feel pain at the beginning of intercourse, or only after some time? Either way, she should have seen a doctor by now. Also, if she helped you almost reach orgasm otherwise than by intercourse - insist there? - then you could finish by intercourse possibly with no extra pain if long lovemaking sessions aren't for her. You haven't said how long is too long in her case. You might be under the impression she doesn't listen but if she cares for you all she probably wants to do is learn how to take you on cloud nine, she may not be a fast learner or may be shy/not experienced enough to pick up the 'tricks' you show her immediately or she may even not be able to fulfill your every wish but maybe a satisfying amount? You seem to think she is not trying hard to make you happy but if she doesn't know how to go about it or doesn't realise this is a problem you are having you have to put her in the picture. Maybe you can train her imagination by unleashing yours. Does she watch porn? That could help give some ideas of new things to try. Most importantly, your efforts should not be forced or it will be in vain. Best wishes.
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reader, Beingblack  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 Generally speaking, two people create their own sexual compatibility. I believe that people who truly love one another will find a way over a period of time, to achieve mutual satisfaction. I don't believe that horoscopes or star signs have an important role to play.
You say your girlfriend has made significant progress, and that seems to please you. Well thats good isn't it? As far as I'm concerned, it's better to give than receive, and I am in heaven when I see my lady writhing out of control in ecstatic bliss. But that doesn't automatically qualify me for 'my turn' sex. Nor should it.
Sex is not a competition, or tit-for-tat activity. I thought it was something that should be mutually enjoyed. So while your girlfriend is happy, and seems more than willing to satisfy you with oral sex, why the long face? You KNOW that vaginal sex is painful for her, and you KNOW that when she asks if you're nearly there, it upsets you. So work on this. The other answers throw up some great points. Does penetration hurt because she gets dry, or because her muscles contract, or maybe even because you are too big?
Or, does it hurt her because you like to get wild?
You have to talk to each other. It simply isn't good enough to say that she doesn't listen, or that talking about what you like is awkward. How can you overcome your problems if she does not have a clue about how you feel? Work with her, not against her. Try seeing your sex life through her eyes. And please, you are feeling a little sorry for yourself. It's hard, but try not to. Great sex needs two people to be consumed with passion for each other, not for what they can get.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (22 December 2009):
there could be several reasons for her problem with painful intercourse. She might be suffering from Vaginismus which is a condition where the woman's vagina tightens involuntarily. She needs to see a gynecologist who will examine her and possibly inject a muscle relaxant and/or therapy to teach her to control it. The gyne will also rule out possible infections. Just be patient with her, if she seeks treatment it can be over within days unless its none of these problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Well, I've read what you've written from start to finish 3 times, and I still don't see a question there. What are you looking for? Someone to say "Yeah, I've been there too"
Reading between the lines, it looks like you two need to communicate better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Hmmm... you're in an odd situation with the pain thing.
I know for myself that I'm always waiting to see what the other person will do before getting more experimental. Truth is, you have no idea what someone is willing to do until you try it.
I've been straight as a board, conservative as all hell, my whole life and this weekend I had a threeway with my neighbor and her husband. I went down on her and the entire shabang. But I didn't instigate it, it's embarrassing. You have no idea what the other will say.
Maybe you need to pause in the middle, go down there, and then come back to it. Sex is NOT painful, our bodies are designed to push babies out of there. I doubt your D is so huge that she can't take it. I know certain positions are always painful for me, but most aren't. If she's drying up mid-sex, then you should be doing something to handle that. If it's just painful the whole time, then I don't know what to say to that. I know no one who has that problem.
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