A
female
age
36-40,
*razystupidlove
writes:I was in a failed marriage for 10 years when i started dating a colleague who is 3 years younger. He was quite confident of our future at that time so i went ahead and filed for divorce with my husband. Now the guy I am dating feels that I am rushing into everything and he says from a conservative family where his parents will not accept me and my daughter. Although he doesn't want to break up but he says he needs 3 years to convince his family at least. Meanwhile since he thinks its his fault so he is OK if I leave him and move on. To an extent he has also distant me from him because he says he will not marry without his parents wishes. It is impossible for me to leave him at this time because of my emotional dependency on him. Since he broke his promise last time I am unsure if trusting him would be the right thing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tottochan +, writes (17 February 2016):
Hey OP,
I'm sure you'll do amazingly well in your life. You concentrate on getting on your own two feet, and being there for your daughter. I'm sure you'll find someone who is everything that you're looking for when the time is right.
Wishing you all the best.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 February 2016):
 I am sorry that he has left you, but I know in the long run once you have got your life together you will be glad he is out of your life. It is just a shame that you have been caught up in his games.
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A
female
reader, crazystupidlove +, writes (16 February 2016):
crazystupidlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt Honesty and Tottochan, thank-you for your responses and your kind wishes. We did discuss future, marriage and everything he was quite confident that he would convince his parents or at least that's what he said. Anyways last night he said he is leaving me since he cant keep me happy and by being with me he cant keep his parents happy. He also asked me to be his "friend" which i refused. I agree i need to be a strong independent woman and a loving mother. God Bless you both.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 February 2016):
No I don't think that you should trust him. When you where married, he was able to see you on his terms without having the label of being committed to you. He gave you empty promises to keep you sweet.
Now that you have filed for divorce this has scared him and he is feeding you more lies and more excuses. If he wanted to be with you then he would be with you, it would not take three years, this is just another of his excuses to keep stringing you along.
You should stay away from this man as he is going to hurt you in the end. It is hard when you feel you emotionally depend on him, but he is only going to leave you when another woman comes along. You would be better getting out of this now. Concentrate on being a good mother to your daughter and becoming a strong independent woman who does not need a man to lean on.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan +, writes (15 February 2016):
Hi there,
Wow. From what you've written, I would say run for the hills. This guy is as spineless as they come.
Seriously, why didn't all this 'following his parents' wishes' thing come up when he was having an affair with his married colleague, you?! He gladly took whatever you had to give at the time, and now when the time has come to be with you for good, he's conveniently remembered his orthodox parents.
I'm sorry that you're going through a divorce, but I guess you and your husband weren't happy, so this arrangement is better. But I would strongly advise you to *not* date this colleague of yours either. I'm sorry, but he doesn't seem trustworthy and is certainly not someone who should be a father figure for your young impressionable daughter.
Imagine, three years has come and gone, and he still hasn't managed to convince his parents - then what? Will he ask you for another three years? When he can conveniently see you on the side for whatever desires he has, but your needs, your desires are simply shoved to the side.
In matters like these, it helps to have a partner who is steadfast and will have your back no matter what. If he wants you to live in a joint family system (in fact, even in a nuclear family), with his parents, and if they still haven't accepted you and your daughter wholeheartedly, then it'll be *really* hard to live in such a household. It will also be utterly unfair to your daughter.
She deserves to live in a home where she is loved and cared for. And so do you.
I hope I haven't disheartened you. Orthodox mindsets can change, but don't count on it. Things have changed in some cases, but more often than not many issues creep up later on, and each time anything happens, this 'divorcee' tag can be flung on your face.
I just want to ask - how long were you and this colleague dating? Did you two ever talk about marriage? Did you discuss that you were going to divorce your husband? It could have been hard for him to tell his parents about you because you were married at the time anyway. But even then, I feel that three years is a lot. Tell him to have a shorter time limit.
Moreover, it's time for both of you to sit and talk about the future. Not talk as in build sand castles and fantasies, but real, hard talk - about what you both need to happen in your life, and what you expect from this relationship, and about the families of the both of you.
All the very best.
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