A
female
age
36-40,
*nnocentgirl
writes:Ive known this guy for a couple of months now. We met on T--r (a new dating app), and i wasnt sure about it, but my friend recommended it to me, help me get out more and meet and date new people. Now I've met this guy, and we're suuposed to be having our 3rd date this weekend before I go away for(work). Now we talk almost everyday, and we really get on. The only thing that upsets me, is he still goes on the app, and updates his profile, meaning hes still looking. But for me, I havnt been on the app since our last date. Now its getting to a point where, Im starting to like him, and I dont know how he feels. I know we're not offocial, but do I literally have to compete? Im dreading the day when I go away, and scared to come back to him meeting a new girl, and then I've lost him for good. What should I do? Should I tell him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Look, you barely know this guy. If you're this quick to get involved with a man then you need to put on the breaks, because it wont end well. Even if he didn't use that app, it's still only been TWO dates! He's seen you a whole TWO times! You can't expect anyone to be madly in love with you after having met you two times. That's not realistic. So maybe you like him a bit, but if you're feeling any ownership over his (like he's yours in any way) then you're moving ahead waaaaaay too fast.
It's been two dates. Chill. You don't know him, and he doesn't know you. You shouldn't want him to not use the app, because if he, after two dates, started showering you with love declarations and not even looking at other girls, I would say that is a red flag and you should stay away from him.
If you're staring to get serious, that is the time to get rid of any dating-apps. Not now, when you hardly even know one another.
And why so scared he will find someone else? Women are all over the place, app or no app. And, after just two dates, how can you be so sure YOU actually want him? He could be a total jerk, you don't know him well enough to say he's a decent guy. So don't claim ownership over a guy you don't know, you might not actually want him.
Ignore whatever other women he possibly dates. Dating is about getting to know one another. A relationship is for being monogamous. You're not in a relationship.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 May 2014):
 I think people do still look for others when in the early stages of dating, particularly if 'introduced' through a dating site or app. It's pretty normal. There's the "grass is greener" aspect (he might see someone else he likes the look of) and also there is no guarantee that you and he will get along after the third, fourth or fifth date (etc). So he's keeping his options open.
OP, I'm much like you and when I meet someone I like, I focus just on them to see where it goes, but most people aren't like that in my experience. So then, the options are to meet men in a more organic way (through hobbies, mutual friends, etc) or do the online/ app thing but take it very slowly. Assume that whoever you meet will be scoping out and possibly dating other people, and with that in mind keep your expectations low and don't have sex until you are girlfriend and boyfriend and you've both taken down your profiles. Enjoy the third date, relax and enjoy your holiday and see how it proceeds when you get back.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (28 May 2014):
You aren't in a committed relationship so he's not doing anything wrong. You do have the right to request that he dates you and only you, but he has the right to be scared away because of it.
Also, it's not a competition. Just be yourself and when you meet a guy who you're compatible with, "you win". If he meets another girl and says goodbye to you then you can get back on that app of yours.
One piece of advice: if you like someone don't jump into bed with them. Get to know each other for a little bit and decide whether or not you want a relationship with them. Too soon can ruin things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2014):
 My advice just go out on dates with him, no sex. If he keeps updating and checking his "app" profile he IS looking for greener grass.
MANY people these days date multiple people at the same time, because 1. they can 2. it's socially acceptable 3. they think it gives them a greater chance to meet "the one" and of course the 4. instant gratification of getting attention from several people at the same time.
My guess is your guy is a "multiple people dater". And he is NOT as into you as you are into him. Because if he WAS into you, he would FOCUS on you and not his dating profile/app.
And here is the CRUX, young lady.... IF HE REALLY liked you and wanted to BE with you, DO you think your little trip would make him start dating someone else? No, he would be looking forward to you coming back.
And lastly, you can no LOSE what you do not HAVE. You don't "HAVE" this guy. YOU have HAD 2 dates with him is all.
So if you like the guy, go on the third date and see what he is like. NO SEX. Then while you are away you can think if he is someone you want to see when you get back or not.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Sadly, apps like this are not about "dating" and creating long term relationships.
These things are designed to allow people to quickly search through local singles for a date, or most likely a quick hook up, and move on to the next person the next day.
They are a players dream, and one night stands are probably the most common form of "relationship" created by this particular app.
I hate to be mean, but after three dates you don't have him to lose. You have only met this man 3 times. Have you been intimate with him? Have you talked about what you are looking for?
It is a quick short-cut to sex. And very fickle. It is all about looks, not about getting to know someone's personality for a long term meaningful relationship.
Look at it in a different way - if he is still actively searching this site, is he really as interested in you as you are in him? In which case why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to get to know you?
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