A
male
age
,
*-dad
writes:Both my sons have left the house and have been in the military. My youngest is currently home visiting, he has time off. Chatting with him, I realized he seems depressed, he has no inspiration for the future, such as college degree or a good job. I feel real bad because I know I played a part in it.The bad: He was sitting in his bedroom. He may have been about 12 years old, I do not remember. He appeared down and so I asked him what was wrong. He replied with " I do not want to live". I freaked, and reacted with holding my fist up and saying something like if you do not want to live, I could end it for him now, and then told him I do not want to ever hear him say that again.I spoke with a female coworker the next day feeling horrible with what I did. Coworker thought it was a good response .. I know it wasn't. I do know he had a problem with a teacher around 4th grade, claiming he had ADD. I had taken him to a professional just to talk to him and he later came back wanting to pump $2,000 worth of drugs into him. I chewed him out and called him incompetent and asked him if he ever asked him questions like I had asked. He didn't. I had gone to the school and found out it was one teacher out of four that had a problem with him. I threatened the principle with a lawsuit if the teacher continued.Just like my older son during the time, neither really would talk to me or his mother about issue they may have had or in general.My youngest is only hear for about 12 hours and then he leaves for a week and then returns for a week before he has to return to the military.I need help in helping him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2014):
 If your son needed eye glasses you would give them to him
If you son needed insulin for diabetes you would give it to him.
IF you son needs medication for depression or ADHD why would yo withhold that?
I hate when parents won't let kids with ADHD have meds. they think ADHD is a behavior issue when in actuality it's a neurobiochemical imbalance in our brains. Same with depression... thankfully we can help these things now.
You strike me as a father that really cares but is at a loss... sadly there is not much you can do for your adult children unless they ask for help...
maybe you can go to your son and say "Son, I know I was not always the best dad but I did my best and if I screwed up in the past I am very sorry.. but I want you to know that I've learned a lot over the years and I'm available to help you in ANY way you need... if you need help with anything please don't be afraid to ask me, that's what I'm here for. I know you might be afraid to admit you feel weak about stuff but that's OK... I promise to help and not judge you"
THEN when he says he needs help... HELP HIM... do not yell at the professionals or threaten folks...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): You're a good dad - you made a mistake, we all do (kids don't come with instructions), you recognized and now you want to support him. That is wonderful!!! The military is amazing for some of us and for others it compounds our low self esteem and past traumas. This young man seems to have ongoing depression from a young age. talk wih him before he leaves - tell him to contract his base therapist and get an appointment. I had depression from a young age and my parents refused to admit it. This caused me problems in school, colleges, relationships. Late in life I got medicated and finally happy to be living. Do this for your son, let him know you wild support therapy and even medication if needed. He looks to you for approval....give it! He'll love you for it.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 First of all, you've got to stop blaming yourself. You did the best you could at the time, with the knowledge that you had. We all wish we could turn back the clock and change the way we reacted to situations. It sounds like you were a good father who tried your best. Yes you were tough on him, but he survived to adulthood, despite the depression. With all that you think that you did wrong, you must have done something right, because he is alive, healthy and functioning in the real world. Now that you know your son is depressed, I would suggest that you do a lot of research on the subject of depression, so that you can understand him better. Maybe all he needs from you right now is your emotional support. To know that he is loved and accepted by you, no matter what, to know that you are proud of him, can make all the difference in the world.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2014):
 So he grew up with a lack of support from his biggest male role model (you) and spend years being depressed. Depression doesn't go away on it's own. You can't WISH it away or bully it away.
I don't think it's totally surprising that he doesn't want to talk to you, he might feel like he is letting you down. He might not be doing great at his current duty station, there might be rumors of deployment flying, he might even have girl-friend problems.
He might not know what he wants career-wise or work/educational wise.
The military have MANY GREAT resources, if he doesn't want to go through his chain of command (though I suggest it) he can go through http://www.militaryonesource.mil/
Even if he doesn't seem like he want to talk to you I'd take him aside and just straight out ask him what's up. He might open up a little he might not.
Another suggestion is to call your older son (if those two are close ) and have him ferret it out.
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