A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. I am on my way out of a horrible turbulent relatiinship and the last time I had sex with him I felt dirty and yucky. He knows it is over, and most of me is relieved. It lasted four long years. He is really sorry now, and bought me gifts and is very upset. I have recently met someone the complete opposite of him. He is kind, reliable, easygoing and nice. I have had two dates with him so far I really took to him. However, I'm feeling desperatley sorry for my ex, and even though it was a tough four years, and he hurt many, many times, a place in my heart for him is still there, and I'm finding it sad and painful to finally say goodbye to that chapter of my life, when I should be glad and optimistic. My ex is depressed and was trying so hard, but it was too little too late. I'm so sad it did not work out, and he is too. How can I stpp feeling so bad for him when he treated me like dirt? I don't even know why i'm getting these feelings, and they are not going away. He messed up and I can see he feels terrible, but given the opportunity he would do it again, and I don't want to ruin my chances with this lovely new guy.Please advise. Thank you.x
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female
reader, baldhonbel  +, writes (11 January 2015):
Hello and I've been in your exact same situation. I was with my ex for 3 long years and it was a very dysfunctional relationship. And because of that dysfunction, it makes it very difficult to let go. You must let go of him, wish him the best and move on. It was an unhealthy relationship for you and him and the best thing to do is find ways to move on. If you keep on going back with him - it'll only get worse and you'll waste precious time.
Remember this - You cannot move forward while looking back.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 January 2015):
WiseOwlE is totally on the money. The best thing you can do for yourself and your ex is to totally ignore him and continue to do so. This might actually make him a better person in the best case scenario, but in any case he is not right for you and never has been.
You're doing great and your decision to take it slow with the new guy is wise. Well done so far!
Like others have said, really get to know the new guy before you make it serious. And if, after a while, you're starting to see red flags here too, as unfortunate as that may be, don't ignore them. You're better off single than with someone who is bad for you. Relationships should enrich your life, and if it doesn't, do not hesitate to end it. That is literally the only important criteria.
And if you find yourself afraid to be single because you've been in relationships for so long, then that is exactly why you should try it. This is all what-if talk, but even now, in this new relationship, take the time to be by yourself. Get to know yourself again and spend time defining your own boundaries. And never, ever, let anyone cross them again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Wiseowl. You have put the smile back on my face today..it 'ain't lookin' so bad after all. :-) am on my way out to meet new guy for the next date and I sprayed on the purfume that horrid ex gave me. Happily!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): Amen, sister! God bless you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Wise Owl. No
He showed NO empathy at all when he was cruel to me.He would walk out, or ignore me for weeks and slam the phone down on me. I drank heavily for a long time in order to 'cope'. I nearly lost my job through drinking.It's shouldn't be that hard watching it all play out in front of me thinking about it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): Young lady you are on the right path. I'm happy that you are sticking to your guns, and that you realize that you had to remove yourself from that relationship, in order to save yourself.
By no means would I ever advise anyone to show cruelty or inhumanity against another person who is suffering. Never kick a person when they're down. However; this is a situation where you removed yourself from abuse and put your well-being first. It takes strength to do that. You hurt just as much as he did, and you survived it. Did he show mercy or empathy during your times of pain and suffering? No he didn't. That's how you learned your love was misplaced. It was being poured into a vessel that has no bottom to it. Oh, but now he cares?
All you can offer him is your condolences, and continue to move forward. Don't look back. Let his cruelty serve as a reminder of why you shouldn't look back. He is now facing his karma. He has now learned his lesson.
Just as you have and will continue to do, he will survive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thank you for taking the time to answer me. I agree...he is not sad about the way he treated me, but sad he has lost me. The even sadder thing is that he does not have my new number. I changed it to block contact, and has had to resort to putting notes and gifts through my door, or turning up at my workplace. I have called him with my number withdrawn to at least acknowledge him. The last time I called, he came over and I had the last yucky sex with him. I was surprised he did not make a fuss about getting my number, but I think he realises that he does not deserve it, and he told me the ball is in my court. I have never seen him like that. His self care has gone down, and he is depressed.His pride has gone out of the window.I know how hurt he feels, as he made me feel that way many times by leaving me for weeks at a time, ignoring my calls, not turning up when he said he would, dswearing at me, and generally beung cruel. He knew how much I loved him. I guess it's a case of what goes around, comes around, but it's painful to watch, and my heart goes out to him. I think it's best I ignore anything he tried from now on to let him and me get over it. Am going to take it easy with the new guy, and get to know him before getting into any kind of relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): I disagree completely with the first statement Wise Owle made that as a grown woman you should know better than to jump into a new relationship so quickly. When you are in a horrible relationship, where there is loads of mistreatment, and especially when it is abusive, tense and unreliable, it is depriving beyond comprehension. And those four long years you spent in that relationship, you might as well have been single because they feel just as lonely if not lonelier. So I completely understand why you'd be eager and open to accept love and kindness of any form back into your life, even if it is in a new relationship.
I can understand why you feel badly for your ex boyfriend because you have a heart and you have empathy. But you have to remind yourself that he does not have that ability. When he treated you like dirt and he hurt you, he did not feel what you currently feel. He is sad now because he does not have you. But not because he feels bad about how he treated you.
You are doing a good job moving forward. Don't stop now. You owe it to yourself to put him behind you. It'll get easier with time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): The auntie and uncles are so true abuse ends when the abused says enough is enough!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2015): You're a grown-woman in her thirties, so you know that it's too soon to start a whole new relationship; if you only recently broke-up with your ex. If you feel sorry for him, even after he treated you so badly; you're not over him.
I don't mean you should be immune to his suffering; I mean he should be the last thing on your mind, if you're already dating!
You've had only a couple of dates with the nice-guy; but that isn't enough time to have real feelings, or even be sure if you're not just on the rebound.
You're supposed to feel sad about the loss of your ex. You cared about him so much, you stuck it out; even when he was treating you badly. You are loyal by nature. You thought if you stuck around long enough, time would change him. It didn't. You feared loneliness more than you feared his abuse. Don't expect your feelings to shutoff like a faucet. Dating another guy is only a band-aid over your heart. You're still going to feel the agony of withdrawal; while detaching from your ex. He's doing his best to keep the wounds open and bleeding!
Unintentionally, you're using the other new guy to lean-on emotionally; while you deal with your guilt, grief, and loneliness. Of course he's good to you, didn't your old relationship start out the same way? It takes time to learn someone's true nature, and establish how much you like them.
Be careful not to overlook red-flags. Don't be paranoid, just vigilant. Don't follow your heart when you're in recovery from a breakup. Let your mind guide you. Your heart put you where you are now. Logic must takeover to protect you from repeating your mistakes.
Your ex is now learning his lesson through loss. He deserves a broken-heart in order to have empathy. He deserves to feel the consequences of mistreating someone who cared so much for you, that she stuck by you when you showed her no love.
Enough is enough!!!
Don't backslide on your feelings. Discontinue all contact. The gifts were only to appeal to your sympathy. Why wasn't he good to you when it mattered? Trust me on this. If you took him back, he would revert back to his old ways. It's good he is feeling the loss; so he can learn how to treat someone who loves him. It would only spoil him to get a second-chance; then he wouldn't bother to change.
Now he has the motivation to be a better man. He had to lose you to appreciate you. Like you said..."too little, too late!" His male-ego can't stand the fact you were strong enough to leave. Don't let that fool you! He'll play on your weaknesses. Be strong! Right now, he is realizing the sting of your rejection. Rejection is hard to swallow. Especially when he thought he had unconditional-love; and you wouldn't leave, even when he used you like a doormat. Don't you ever do that again!!! Let no man mistreat you! That's not love. That's stupidity! It's self-destructive. Misplaced devotion.
Now back to this new guy! Take it nice and slow. You aren't over the complete process of detaching from your ex. You'll be receiving text-messages in the middle of the night. He'll make sure you run into each other at weird times, and he may even try to intimidate the guy you're dating. Trust me, he will. That's how abusive-boyfriends are. They try to make you believe they can love you like nobody else. Then why now, and not before you broke-up? Right? Stop feeling sorry for that douche-bag! He hurt you and abused you. He crapped all over your feelings. You're damaged in places you don't even know yet.
Your feelings are still raw, and he'll send you pitiful text messages. Tell you how much you meant to him. Cry and put on an academy award-winning performance. Just like in the movies. Really?!!
Watching you move-on shows him how strong you've become.
However; he will use every tactic possible to make you second-guess your decision to leave. He'll show you his "vulnerable-side." Tears, snotty-nose, drooling, and all!
He'll become a martyr, drink excessively, bawl in public; and make sure all your mutual friends tell you how miserable he is. Well, it's his turn to cry and be miserable. You sure as hell had yours, girlfriend!
Bollocks!!! Don't fall for that crap!
His current behavior is meant to play on your emotions. Testing to see if he still has a hold on your feelings.
He'll push your buttons if you let him. Yes, sex was yucky; but when you've been away from him for awhile; you'll start to miss it. Just a warning. You'll have relapses. Just fight the feelings!
It's totally unfair to bring a new guy into the middle of all this drama. Clean house completely. Pack all the old pictures, gifts, cards, and all the past memorabilia of your ex out of sight.
Sadness is part of the process of letting go. You are human and very vulnerable right now. So be sure even "new-guy" doesn't prey on your delicate state of mind. You can't allow yourself to be so addicted to being in relationships that you go seamlessly from one to the next.
That means you're using guys to pull you out of your emotional ruts. Being dependent on men to baby and coddle you, instead of developing your own muscles and strength to survive. Don't be a wimp. Women have to be strong too! That burden isn't just for us guys to carry! The woman of the 21st century is not frail, or a damsel in distress. She's powerful enough to take care of herself, backup her man, and protect her cubs. She's independent, and an inspiration to the man who loves her. He'd do anything for her.
You have to learn to recover and spring-back without emotional-crutches! It's hard. It's exhausting; but the results are invigorating when you reach your goal. To get over that asshat! I like that word. He's an asshat!!!
If you can't delete your ex from your phone, and go no contact; you have no business playing on the new guy like a rebound-sucker. Feel free to date and enjoy male company. I wouldn't advise making a commitment so soon. Your feelings are subject to an unpredictable change. As long as you know what's going on with your ex; you'll be stuck in limbo, and can't move on. You won't heal; because you're using a guy to carry you, instead of being a real woman, and walking on your own two feet!
Oh, you CAN move on totally. It just takes time and healing to do it. You won't heal over-night. Time is your friend and your enemy. It seems it takes too long to heal. That is because so many things are going on in the heart and mind to help you to recover. The stubborn subconscious-mind is adjusting to changes. If it was real, it's not over in a flash. Learn by your mistakes, don't carry them like baggage. Don't use men to lean-on. The next guy deserves the best you can be. You deserve better than you had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2015): I was in almost exactly your position, but was with my horrible boyfriend for longer than you. We split (I dumped him) and I met the most amazing man soon after - to this day, words cannot explain what I felt when I was with him - honestly I cannot articulate what I felt, it was unworldly, we just fitted together completely.But, I would lie in his arms, every particle of me bonded with him and then...would feel this feeling that I really wished would go away. I missed my abusive, violent, nasty ex. How was this possible? I didn't understand it at all - I didn't want to miss him, but I couldn't deny I did.The more it happened, the more I lost confidence in what I had found with this new man. Slowly, steadily, things fell apart and I was absolutely heartbroken. It took me six years to get over him. I was totally depressed.I stupidly went back to my ex. Numb inside, absolute depressed and completely confused. The abuse started all over again.What I should have realised was that what I was experiencing when I 'missed' him was codependency and abandonment. Took me years to understand this. Basically, if you are in an abusive relationship you can become addicted to that person like a drug. YOu can't live without them, but it's not healthy. The reason that you become codependent like this is that you have a weakness as a person that you have not resolved - you inwardly fear abandonment. What complicates this more is that, you cannot bear to abandon your abuser, because you identify so strongly with that feeling of abandonment - you imagine them almost like a child that needs you and cannot survive without you, but you are only able to feel this so strongly because really it is yourself that feels like the abandoned child. The urge to go back is like a compulsion - by returning to them you feel as if you are stopping both them AND yourself from being abandoned. It can feel as if it is meant to be, that you should be together. And you start to feel confused and guilty about what you have done and who you are with.Please don't make the mistake I made. If I knew then what I know now I would have been able to understand my own feelings and not doubted my own self worth. The guy I was with became so confused by my behaviour and I felt that I lost the love of my life, like being shut out of heaven on this earth. He's not a child, your ex. He needs counselling for why he was horrible to you. But it is NOT your problem and not your responsibility. He tried so hard because he feared abandonment. He will get over it, he will survive. You must set yourself free.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 January 2015):
 In time you will move on, but only if you block him out of your life. That means no phone calls or receiving gifts from him. It is when that spot in your heart is empty you can mourn for the loss. You have to let your ex do the same so the pain won't drag on for a longer time.
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