A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I have a big problem. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years. When I met her I was a virgin. She was not. She even told me back when we first started dating that she didn't care if we were an item or not, she just wanted to have sex with me. I refused several times before relenting when she got me all worked up one night and told me: "I want you to **** my brains out!"Six months in, the sex stopped. My girlfriend said sex was never important to her and she was only able to cum occasionally with me and with great effort. This was better than with some and worse than with others, but not worth her trouble. She wanted to move back home to her mom (in Alaska) because she was homesick. She said she was a bird that needed to be free and just because that bird flies away doesn't mean it will not come back home. She said that she needed to sow her wild oats and she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. She said a lot of things at different times that cut deeply, but that was years ago.As a result, I felt like she always had one foot out of the door and I resented her because I loved her and wanted to spend all my time with her. She resented me for not letting her go. Even though we moved in together, life was difficult. She eventually left me, saying she had to experience life on her own without me. After a year of her living alone, she wanted to buy a house with me. She put up the down payment and I supplied the income and the credit. I took her back in, thinking it would be a reconciliation. It was not. Things are as bad as they were. There is no sex, no intimacy. She wanted me to marry her, to have children with her. I refused. I will not marry a woman I feel has one foot out the door and children are impossible without sex. I cannot commit to her. I feel like she has always treated me poorly. I want to be loved, adored. I bought her an engagement ring more than a year ago when I was in a good mood and I have not given it to her. I refuse to commit to her if she will not commit to me. She doesn't cheat or anything, but I just don't feel she is in as deep as I am. I have told her that many times. Sometimes she seems affected. Other times she doesn't care. She did say (when I asked her if we would *ever* get married): "I do not want a shotgun wedding with you." That turned me off completely. I am so confused. There is a woman I love more deeply than any I have ever known and on the other hand I feel the relationship is deeply flawed and I cannot commit to that. Will counseling help, if only to help me reach the right decision? I am so torn up inside. She says she will go with me, but I am afraid of bad advice. I am also, on some level, afraid of losing her. I am sick of feeling like (for lack of a better word) the love-stricken woman in this relationship while she acts the role of unaffected, but somewhat loving man. I feel I deserve better, but I also think that being together for so long is an accomplishment. Many married couples don't make it so long.I just want the woman I fell in love with back. I stay with her about 80% because of the memories of that first year together. We get along now (no massive fights or anything) but there is no romance, no passion, no sex. I long for that passion we once had, but I cannot rekindle it. I have tried everything. She says that she is just past that. Other than counseling, is there anything else to try?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): I'm sorry to say this but you've been wasting the last 9 years of your life with this woman. Even that first year, which you have subsequently been clinging to ever since, wasn't genuine.She's made clear early on that she has one foot out the door. That should be enough information for you to realize that this is not a woman who will make a good long-term partner for you. You should have moved on from her long ago, rather than clinging to the unrealistic wish that she would change into someone she isn't.Now she supposedly wants to settle down, get married, have children. This is exactly what you've always been wanting and waiting for with her, isnt' it? So why are you still pulling back now? If you feel that you don't trust her sincerity when she claims she wants now to settle down with you, then you have to communicate with her and figure out where she stands. Maybe she has really reached a new life stage where she now wants the traditional life. If so, then now you're being the obstacle. However, you know her better than anyone else. If you have a strong feeling that she's not sincere and she still has one foot out the door, then you know that nothing has changed. frankly I would leave her if I were you. She has, from the start, not really been that into you. She's made that clear, yet you clung to her which she resented. Now that she wants to settle down, I doubt it's because all of a sudden she's attracted to you. Rather I see that she's being self-serving - she's tired of sowing her oats and wants the settled life now, and you're simply the most convenient person to provide that for her. I don't think she actually wants you. And no, being "together" for 9 years isn't an accomplishment rather it's a tragedy that you have nothing to show for it after 9 years. Please, move on from this selfish woman, finally.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): Hi,
I am afraid that if she feels this way, there's nothing you can do. I am a female, around your age, and I've been in a weird relationship for the past 9 years as well. The first 5 years we were happy, compatible, mentally, physically, love spending time together, just perfect. I lost my job, and I just felt insecure, lost self esteem, felt I didn't deserve him, so I stopped being intimate with him.... Our friendship stayed the same, we spent same amount of time, still tell each other love & miss you, etc... Basically doing everything we used to do as a couple, minus the intimacy... We did that for the past 4 years. In 2010 I was using his computer, and found pictures of him with an unknown female. It even had a picture if then kissing... Wow.... My world felt apart... It has been 15 mos since the discovery.. All the feelings I used to have about him it all came back. That made me realize how much I still care about him. We still talk, but I am over him.. Never again.. In reality, it was not cheating since we were not a couple for over 3 years, and haven't been intimate. But, it hurted me so much, the lies, and betrayal.
My point of telling you this long story is: I know that you've been together for 9 years. For some reason the passion fade away... Sometimes happens in a long term relationship, could be various reasons, and no one to blame. BUT, the love can still be inside of her... She just doesn't know. Before you give up, make any decisions, I think you should try again to regain her love, and passion.
I know this might sound stupid, but how about if you don't give her as much as attentions as she's used to? If she wants to be friends, just be a friend to her... Don't do extra things for her, treat her like a roommate/buddy. How about if you start going out on dates? I know it's silly, immature, but this could work? Actually worked for me.... The difference is that, in my case he lied... But, you are going to do the right way, being honest, being open, and telling her the truth...
I don't know if this make sense? But, I hope this helps...
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Well first, what you experience(d) with her is definitely emotional abuse. I always say that relationships are a preview of what a marriage is going to be like... so you have to ask yourself the question... could you deal with many more years of her treating you the way she does?
And I find it interesting how you put it when you said you feel like "the love-stricken woman in this relationship while she acts the role of unaffected, but somewhat loving man." Because honestly if you were a woman, I would give you the same advice I'm about to give you now... you should find someone that's going to love and treat you better.
She has no hesitation walking out on you- as she has clearly done before. So if she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her, why continue the relationship?
Now granted, I'm all for counseling... because I am a relationship coach. And I constantly preach about how it can help people (and relationships) change for the better. But the truth of the matter is, she has some issues that she needs to work on within herself before she even THINK about getting into a long-term committed relationship with you... or anyone else for that matter (let alone a marriage).
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. And if you need additional counseling for yourself I, as well as other Agony Aunts and uncles are help to help. You should also seek out the help also from a friend, family member, or close counsel.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 You met a girl, your a virgin (lack experience) and the first thing she wants is to "fuck your brains out", even though your unwilling... after 6months, she not interested, because she's finds it hard to orgasm that way."I just want the woman I fell in love with back. I stay with her about 80% because of the memories of that first year together."Don't you see, the woman you fell in love with doesn't exist, she was putting on an act and offering sex so she could get a man. She didn't seem to care much about you. If she didn't get to know you much and was just pressuring you (a virgin) for sex. The woman you are with, is the woman she revealed after the first 6months, and the woman you've known for the last 8 1/2 years. That is the reality. Your girlfriend is exactly who you see everyday, there is no changing her, or wanting her to go back to pretending."I am so torn up inside. She says she will go with me, but I am afraid of bad advice. I am also, on some level, afraid of losing her."Yep, you don't want to look at the truth or deal with the problem, it's better to make up fairy stories and pretend dreams in your head. You got a ring, but she doesn't deserve it, you want to marry, but you know she won't bring you happiness, you want to have kids, but she's not the kind of woman who shows proper commitment, and besides, you can't have kids cause there isn't much sex...You love her? Why? For the great sex, for her loyalty, for her kind ways and for making you feel like a king... nope, don't see none of that.I see a man in love with a dream woman who doesn't exist. I see a woman who is not in love, but makes the best of things. She wanted a man who would treat her nice, so she lies and picks up a virgin. She doesn't really like sex, so as soon as she's got the man, she stops, she doesn't care if he feels lonely or not without her. She wants to spread her wings and be single again, she throws the kind man into the dustbin. Then things don't work out, probably too expensive or the other men she met were all pigs and didn't treat her right. So back to you, she can pick you up and throw you down, your always there to love her. She can keep you until she finds something better. She's out there looking, looking all the time for a guy that will suit her better."I stay with her about 80% because of the memories of that first year together. We get along now (no massive fights or anything) but there is no romance, no passion, no sex."Tell you what, get a video camera and make a film of you together. Then dump her and watch the film instead. Then you get the memories, and you'll have no romance, no passion and no sex.. I think the video is safer, because at least it won't change and be here today and gone tomorrow.There was no big passion, it was all a lie for her, sex stopped after 6 months. She's your first girl, and that's why you fight hard to keep her. You don't think you'll find anyone else. Of course you will, there are some really great women out there who are feeling lonely, love sex and dream every night about finding a man like you.Unfortunately these wonderful lonely women will have to keep crying themselves to sleep. Your not available to date them, your too busy wasting your life on a dream that doesn't exist.So she wants to go couples counselling. Great idea. Go to counselling, see what they have to say. I dare you to "man up" and face reality and stop hiding away dreaming of the only good 6months in your life. Don't marry this woman ever, she'll be gone after 6months with your heart, your dreams and all of your money.
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