A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am about 2/3 the way through a divorce with my wife of 20 years. I have been separated from her for 4 months now and seeing someone else who I care about very much. This woman was an affair that turned into a committed relationship. My wife and I have both been very emotional lately because the sale of the home and divorce are coming to a head. Things have been a bit bitter between us because I have been with this other woman, and my wife knows. However, my wife and I have had some touching heart ot heart conversations lately, and while she is firm about divorce, and I am somewhat afraid, my wife came onto me emotionally and kissed me. She said she would like a farewell f*ck. It's been a long time since she's had sex, so I know she's insanely horny. I have a budding love with this new girl, but admit I have feelings for my wife still, and even a distant hope for reconciling, although I dont think she wants to. I don't know what to do. It would be cheating on my new GF, but this is after all, my wife still, and I still have love for her. Crazy situation. I need strength. HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): "....but I am a good, honorable man. Mature, college educated professional, church going, military officer....." OMG, what bulldust!church going means nothing. actions speak louder. you lied to your wife. was sleeping around. destroyed your marriage and got rid of faithful wife. you destroyed 20 years for what?? a F with your lover?? you left your wife and moved in with the woman you had an affair with. how does this make you a good man, a good father? i am sooooo confused because you still think you have done nothing wrong. you are so condascending and think you are so smart. what have you leant from going to church. why not try reading the holy book and see just how wrong you have acted. how you have transgressed all that is forbidden in the holy book. going to church does not a christian make. we all can say but i go to church - this means F ALL when you do what you have done. just think about it!educated professional: i am educated too. i also have a degree, went to university. this means nothing when you deliberately destroy a perosns life. and you have no clue how you have devastated your wife's life. use the knowledge that you are educated in an attempot to put your life right. at least you do not have any excuse in saying : i wasn't aware. you had the knowledge but you destroyed nevertheless.military career: well, i am sure they taught you what principles are, what the right thing to do. the military is all about discipline and doing right. so sad you even failed their teachings. mature: think again. nothing you have done and said reveals any maturity. i just see a self centred, selfish man who cares nothing about what he has done to his wife. you are conceited and you have displayed total arrogance when dealing with your life.next time you decide to go to church please ask yourself why? why are you going to church when you cannot even learn to be honest. instead of publically saying you are church going, why not privately reflect on all that you have done. why did you destroy your marriage of 20 years? why did you destroy your wife and sons lives? why did you go down this path??you have so much to learn but as an individual and then as a ex husband, as a part time father. a failed husband, and ultimately a failed and tainted man. all is not lost however, if you learn from your mistakes, and rectify your wronddoing then you can attempt to go back to your words"....but I am a good, honorable man. Mature, college educated professional, church going, military officer....." then you will have come full circle. if you really want to change your life around and you really want t become the man you think you are, then you need to put your words into action:- end your affair with your lover. after all she is the reason your marriage is ending. be realistic, how do you get any respect back after what you and her have done. can she even compare to your life. you say you are a church man, then think about this: will your lover do it with you, and then do it to you. if she did not care about someones long standing marriage, speaks volumes about the mistress, right? - ask your wife for forgiveness. tell her how sorry you are. BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT. YOUhave not shown any remorse for your affair and destroying your wife. so maybe don't say yo are sorry. because you are not. actions speak luder than words. your actions are not worthy anymore.- your son. how do you get him to start respecting you again. your colleagues, familit members, friends. you destroyed your repuation.was your affair and subsequent shacking up with your affair lover worth the shame?- don't waste your wifes time. you wasted 20 years of her life. don't anymore. if you cannot be faithful, and you cannot be the husband that she deserves then be honorably and allow her to find true love with a decent man. she deserves the best and she will get the best. you took the best years of her life, destroyed 20 good years. what now??if you want to be anything of the person you believe you are then you need to change your life and try to change for a better person. up to now you have not accounted for your wrongs and you have done nothing to rectify your wrongs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): you seem so casual when you mention your wife. you have absolutely no clue just how devastated your wife is. you have no understanding of your betrayal, your devastation and your humilitaion of her. you think that just because she "begged" you for sex she is weaker and that you are now calling the shots. you berate your wife for wanting sex. hey, mister, she is human, she wants and needs to be loved and yet she wants to feel some sort of intimacy. you are very immature as a man and even more imature when it comes to feelings and doing the right thing. yes you know how to chet and destrpy 20 years of marriage BUT besides this you have no cooking clue what you have done to your wife.
bottom line: i truley wish your wife wises up and walks away from you and never look back. i believe she deserves the best, don't you? that best is not you. your actions and words are just blase, you have altered your lives to such an extent that you have no morals and no remorse of what you have done. you are calling the shots. you think yo are in the driving seat. you dictate and you demand yet you have no right. you want your wife to think that she is nothing without you. i have some news for you: your wife will survive and she will heal and she will get over you - she will get over your lies and all the hurt you have caused her.
you will only leave your mistress if she takes you back. you just expect her to forget about your your wrongdoing and you expect to pick up before you chose your lover over her. wake up and smell the coffee and the sh1t you have created in everyones life. you are so unbeliveably dense.what have you learnt from your continuing affair. the lives you have destroyed. your sons life, friends and family as well who have been impacted by your betrayal. you see cheating spirals out of control and it affects everyone , not only a spouse. your wife has told you how crushed she is/was when you cheated and the aftermath of your cheating. can you not even put yourself in her shoes. how would you feel if your wife destroyed your life?
you have the best of both world. a faithful almost ex wife and a lover to keep your bed warm. anything else you give a sh1t because after all, you are the man! a man who will get his just deserts one way or another.
to your wife (if she does read this): mrs XXXXXX, i say this with humility and compassion, you will survive the ending of your marriage. yes you are craving love , affection, and even sex. i understand your need for intimacy and you should never feel ashamed for wanting and feeling for intimacy. you seem like a good woman,a decent woman and yes for now your world is upside doen. but please believe me when i say that one day the huting will end, the pain will go away. you need to mourn the loss of 20 years, yes take your time. but then take control of your life and move on. you have a lot to be thankful for. you may not believe this but at least you do not have to put up with a liar and a cheater. beibg rid of a cheater means taking control and taking stock of your life. it means starting to own your life. one day you will meet another man, a decent, faithful man who will make you smile again. you deserve to be loved exclusively and you deserve to have a faithful man in your life. so dry those tears and mourn your crushing loss but move on to better. and trust me there are better out there. you need to start loving yourself again and as you close this chapter in your life know this: this divorce is not your fault, the loss of over 20 years is not your fault. you be strong and know that your life will go on and you will be happy again.
Thank you for reading.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (11 July 2010):
 "I said I'd be willing if it was a new beginning, and that I would end everything with the other woman."
This is where you messed up. In essence you told her you would only end things with the other woman if she took you back. Again, you want to hold on to the bird in hand just in case the one in the bush flies away. No woman wants to be viewed as a back up. Either you're going to end things with your girlfriend or not--predicating that decision on whether or not your wife will have you tells your wife that your main concern is that you don't end up alone.
Actions speak louder than words; that's how you earn respect. If you want your wife back, prove it! End your relationship with your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 Sorry, question to wrong person.. please ignore
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 July 2010):
You never answered my question..
What are these lie's he tells about "EVERYTHING"?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 July 2010):
No judgement here babes, I just want problems solved..
The aunts are right, it's best if your a single man and don't do promises to anyone.. Going straight to your girlfriend definately made your wife's heart harden. It does look like your girlfriend is more importat than her.
Poor girlfriend...
If you were single, then your wife wouldn't feel like she's sharing a man with another woman..
You need to find out who you want to be with in life.. Currently you have two women and in a certain way, you are cheating on both of them.
Cake and eat it, yep, the aunts have it right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Okay so your wife dumped you because you cheated and then straight away you got into a committed relationship with the affair now you want your ex wife back though you been showing your true colours all along. I hope she does not forgive you. She will meet a new faithful man and you need to leave her alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): I'm the original poster. I met with my wife tonight, and laid it all out. I said my love and history with her meant more to me than anything and I wanted to work it out. I said it was obvious we still have respect, love and passion for each other, and a son who needs us. She agrees, and was very emotional, but is sticking to the fact that her heart was crushed because of the reveal of the affair, and she could not reconcile...we had to move on. We kissed out of respect, and she began to take it further. She finally begged me for sex, since she hasn't had it in 6 months. I said I'd be willing if it was a new beginning, and that I would end everything with the other woman. She saidd it would be a farewell booty call. I politely said thank you, but no, and walked away. She has so much respect for me now, I'm thinking she might be thinking about reconciling, but she left to think about it. We'll see.
I realize many of you are disgraced by my behaviour, and I sincerely understand. but I am a good, honorable man. Mature, college educated professional, church going, military officer. I'm flawed, like anyone, and just looking for the right path in life. Happiness is elusive for me, and yes, I am afraid of being alone. Anything else in my life, I'm hard as nails and very independent. But with women, I am putty. I am learning, the hard way, but I do appreciate the directness and criticism. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 July 2010):
You had no problem cheating ON your wife, but now you're having a crisis of conscience about cheating WITH your wife? Interesting. It definitely sounds like you're hedging your bets so you won't be alone in case one of these women don't work out.
For the life of me, I don't understand why you would jump out of a 20 year marriage into another relationship without enjoying some time as a single man--you don't need to be in a committed relationship with ANYONE right now.
Since the relationship with your girlfriend isn't that serious yet, now is the perfect time to dump her. That way, you can sleep with her AND your wife without being guilty of cheating on them! This also frees your wife to go out and find some young buck(s) to keep her properly dicked-up.
Or, you could get off the pot and decide whether you want to reconcile with your wife. The question is whether you're willing to do what's necessary to even open up the discussion of a reconciliation, which is dumping your girlfriend. I suspect you are too afraid of being alone to take that risk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): Here's what I'd suggest. Tell your girl friend that you need to sort things out with your wife and figure out what you want to do. Your wife should be your priority. Talk with your wife even if she wanted a divorce your commitment with her should take precedent over the new girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (10 July 2010):
 So while she was your wife you thought having an affair was perfectly acceptable in spite of claiming to love her, but now that you're with someone else, you're trying to justify one last fuck -because- she's your wife? That makes no sense. You're trying to make excuses for something you already know you shouldn't do.If you go through with it, you'll be doing to your new girlfriend exactly what you did to your wife, and in turn will perpetuate yourself as a 'cheater'. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable, and you need to pick one or the other. You can't have both.By sleeping with your current wife with no intention of saving your marriage, you'll only be giving her false hope that the relationship can be salvaged in some way. At the same time, you'll be violating your girlfriend's trust.You should be more concerned with figuring out what you really want, a divorce or to save the marriage. It should've been sorted out and done with before you decided to get involved with someone else, honestly. Adding another person to the equation only complicates things, and it clearly has in your case.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): you 'think' but don't know? Ask her. Tell her how you feel. You OBVIOUSLY want to reconcile. Even if there is a high chance she isn't interested in trying to work it out- what do you have to loose anymore? Might as well be sure. Maybe she wants to see you chase her again, come to here, show her you really don't want to loose her.
I am not saying have sex with her, but I've seen your post before. How many times are you going to post a question until its too late to make a decision? I say tell her you want to work it out, ask her what she really wants. Before you regret never knowing and wonder the what ifs.
Your 'new' gf needs to go. She was the problem in the first place. Secondly, you don't love her. Like others have said to you before... your just seeing which one pans out more. She is a back up plan. And when your marriage is completely over, your going to be stuck to work this out. She isn't loosing everything like you are when all is over for you.
Take some time apart and sort out what you want and talk to your wife!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 The question is i wonder why the first mariage didn't work...I think your question answers that question loud and clear
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): You need to sort your feelings out, who you want to be with, but sex with your wife will probably just confuse you. It could be her way of trying to get you back or prove to herself that she can. Or she could be scared of being alone in the future. And someone, if not everyone will get hurt if you mess about sleeping with one then the other.Why not give yourself some space from both of them and see who you want to be with. And if you want to be with both of them then admit you are a cheat because after you did cheat with the other woman.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 July 2010):
Yes indeed... you will take the woman's traditional role.. Your too special to be used as a "stud", something that will mess your current relationship up. Marriage (ie: no divorce and forgiveness and understanding) or walk away and put your energy into making your new life with your new woman something special.
So sorry for you, your wife and your girlfriend, these things hurt everyone. If you and your wife cannot work it out, then go home and screw your girlfriend. You cheated, yes, but don't cheat again. Make sure your in a committed relationship before you do the sex thing.
Maybe some time away from both women will help you see things more clearly.
Yes your wife is horny, that is normal when your going through a divorce. But if she dosen't want to stay married, then she makes remain emotionally unattached so she can meet someone else. Sex complicates things too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): i would not have sex with your soon to be ex wife.
figure what it could do to you, and your relationship(s)
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (9 July 2010):
 From the little information you've given, I am assuming it was your affair with this other woman that is the reason for your divorce, right? I don't want to split hairs here with you saying the marriage was troubled before the affair and that's what caused you to stray, I'm just trying to get the basic idea. Either she cheated first, or you did... right?
Bottom line, even if your marriage was "troubled" before... you still had an affair... which is cheating on your wife. Now, you are considering cheating on your girlfriend. Do you see a pattern here? Heck, you're even hoping to get back together with your wife eventually WHILE you have a girlfriend. Maybe you should stop looking around at everybody else, and start looking at yourself.
You feel you need strength? I KNOW you need strength. My advice is to step up, be a man, and STOP CHEATING. Commit to a relationship - ANY relationship, just commit. If you care about your wife, and really want to eventually be with her again... then start over with her. Start fresh. Ditch the other girl, because if you are with her but have desires to eventually be with your wife again... then that is not fair to the new girl. If you really like the new girl, then don't tease the wife. She's emotional and if you have sex with her you will be taking advantage of your soon to be EX wife.
And as for "this is after all still my wife...." line, that is crap. You gave up the right to call her your wife after you had sex with the new girl. Don't try to justify your undecidedness. Choose one, and ONLY one. FIND the strength because nobody can just give it to you.
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A
female
reader, KMarie +, writes (9 July 2010):
Your relationship with your girlfriend is doomed. It began out of deceit, lies, and guilt of an affair. She's no longer "forbidden fruit", and the newness is wearing off. Reality is going to hit you hard. You are beginning to realize that you are truly ending your marriage, and you will likely regret the choice you made to commit adultery. It sounds like you probably have damaged your marriage beyond reconciliation, sorry. But to have hopes of reconciling with your wife while you're still with a girlfriend is insane and your wife will find it another slap in the face. If you still love your wife you should concentrate on easing her pain as much as possible. Having sex with her won't help, it'll just cause more hurt feelings.
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A
female
reader, xjz  +, writes (9 July 2010):
dont throw away what you have for what you dont have,i personally think you shouldnt judge what your wife is thinking try to make things right with her i mean try to win her back i think from what you said you can work things out,she wants sex ccuse she wants you,try your wife again in sure you can stop this whole divorce thing...keep us updated what happens from what you wrote you and your wife aint through yet.
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A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (9 July 2010):
I am currently in the same situation as you. I have left my husband for a married man and he has left his wife as well for me. We are currently living together,simultanously going through divorce. I can tell you that the hardest thing i am currently overcoming are the feelings of jealousy whenever he meets with his wife to discuss the divorce. You don't mention the circumstances of the divorce other than to mention that you have hope but it sounds like she is just horny. I think what is going on is that she see's you as even more attractive since she can't have you. Your relationship will not be repaired with sex and you will damage a promissing new relationship with someone who has taken a chance on a "cheater". The moment the papers were filed was the moment your window of opportunity closed as far as having sex with your wife. She is your wife on paper for the time being but your heart if you trully care about this other person should be with her. Perhaps you are not ready to move on but then you need to be honest with yourself and have a heart to heart with the new girl. How she responds will define if you are meant to be together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): Yes, it is because of the affair. That was an irreconcilable deal breaker for her. But we discussed the scant possibility of meeting up at a later time if things dont work out and we find ourselves single again. she was open to it. That, coupled with her desire for sex and my deep down feelings of wanting to keep our marriage, has me wondering for sure if divorce is right. But I do love my new GF and dont want to betray. I think the thing to do is decide if reconciling is a possibility. If it isn't, and I don't think she wants to, then sex is not a good option.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 July 2010):
Is there any hope that you and your wife might stay married. If so, then the sex may be your last opportunity to save your relationship.
If however you are sure that whatever problems that drove you to divorce remain, then break away, don't have sex with her, it will just make you both emotional, it will hurt your girlfriend and it will make leaving your wife harder than ever.
You love your wife, she still is attracted to you, why are you getting a divorce? Is it because of your girlfriend.
At the moment your frightened about what the future may bring and therefore you and your wife are clinging onto the past. Sex will only complicate things if you are sure a divorce is right.
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