A
female
age
51-59,
*Marie
writes:How can I get past this, or should I even keep trying? My husband of 21 years had to fly to Texas because my father in law was dying. I had to remain home because of extra expenses of me and the kids. My husband shared a hotel room with his brother, sister, and a woman who is basically considered another daughter of his mom and dad. Everyone lives in seperate states and rarely see each other. My husband always resented this woman and her relationship with his parents. His family is very dysfuntional with alot of abuse and such. She seduced him the night his dad died. He didn't resist her, and immediately stated to her, that he was "done" with our marriage and they carried on an affair for the next 8 weeks. Which consisted of secret phone calls, emails, and 2 fake business trips. My husband completly changed, turned his back on me AND his sons. He even made plans to move to her home in a different state and completly abandon us. This really stuns me, especially since I'm a stay home mother and we would of been left without a means of support. He couldn't sleep or eat during this affair, I attributed it to his fathers death. He confessed, but at that time he hid who she was, and couldn't even tell me he didn't love her, but that it was over and he wanted me. It actually wasn't really over, they were still talking on the phone. It finally ended I'd say about 8 days after his confession when I showed up at his work and found out who she was by getting on his email. Until this point our marriage was happy, and our sex life has always been very strong (5-7 times a week) even after all our years. Of course I can't be someone new. This woman is not very attractive, overweight, (I'm in great shape), and has 3 kids of her own! He cries to me that he can't explain what happened to him, that he went crazy, that he knew it was wrong, that he never even liked her. Her personality is the opposit of what my husband (claims to) like in a woman. I don't know what to do, how do I know for sure if I want to stay in our marriage? We have been married since we were teenagers, its all I've ever known. We have 4 sons - 20,15,5,and 4 years old. This is such a mess.
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male
reader, penguinboy25 +, writes (9 July 2010):
Let me give you a different spin on this situation. You can do the counseling or get a divorce but there is also a third option. You need to tell him that obviously the trust was broken but it's not possible for you to halfway love him or halfway be married to him. You need to explain that you are going to go out on a limb, a very fragile limb. This limb grants him 100% trust and it is his to do what he wants. Explain that all you can go on is how you feel and at times you may tell him that you have a feeling that something doesn't feel right and it will be up to him to be truthful. If you should give him this trust and he does this again then you will have your answer. Good Luck with it, I know it must be tough.
A
female
reader, KMarie +, writes (9 July 2010):
KMarie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks TimmD. Thats good advice. Its been 2 months since this ended, and the trust issue seems different to me now. I think that the broken trust means less to me today, then just the fact that what happened can't be changed. I really don't know if whether he will never do it again can make up for the things he said and did to me during the affair and right after it. It was awful. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (9 July 2010):
 You are going to get greatly varying opinions on this. Some will say divorce him because you can't trust him, others will say marriage counseling is the best way to fix this. Honestly? Both answers are correct. You can't trust him. He cheated and he did it in such a bad and cowardly way... how could you ever trust him again? The reason is obviously because, as you stated, he has a very dysfunctional family. He doesn't know any better. No matter how much he apologizes and no matter what he says, you still cannot trust him.
The problem is the length you've been married and your children, and this complicates things. Living on your own would be very difficult. In my opinion, your best solution is major counseling on his part. He has to EARN your trust back and he has to understand that isn't going to happen over night. He has to show you how serious he is about gaining your trust back. I suggest individual counseling for him, and marriage counseling for both of you. Not to penalize you, but to get your thoughts, feelings, and concerns out in the open.
If he's open to all of this, then there is a chance it'll work. If he's opposed to this, saying things like "I said I was sorry...." and being mad at you for not believing him when he says he's sorry.... well that's a bad sign.
Good luck.
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