A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a single mum no bf with a young son who is ADHD and autistic, and I have full custody and am not involved at all with his dad. My son's dad and his family are really p***ing me off :(. This New Yr I want to change things and think I need to do/say something (when I am calmer) soon, but dunno what.Several reasons why I am angry: For e.g., they all "disagree" with him taking ADHD meds (not that they are actively involved in his life or anything to have a say), they "forgot to give them" to him Xmas day, then 2 days ago he returned from his 2nd ever sleepover with his dad and my boy said that his 1st tab fell on the floor and his 2nd one he never got.He was fed chocolate cake at his grandmother's (fair enuf,it won't kill him but still, he is v.sensitive to sugar) and all sorts of unsuitable food. Yet again on Xmas day, (that time he'd 5 yes 5 bowls of ice cream - his dad told me that - no brekkie,no veg in his dinner whatsoever).Re 2 days ago,the grandparents left his overnight bag (pj's,slippers, etc. and tabs container) behind.I'd to insist they return with it (5 mins drive from my place).They did not clarify when he was to return home either occasion,despite my saying please text so I know when and can make plans myself.On Xmas day,it was 7 or 8 when he came back and he was hyper,wrecked and very moody when he got back.But esp. re the sleepover, he was due back at 1pm by his dad,I specifically asked his dad is that definite and he snapped yes I have to be back in town for 3 so no way is it later. I waited in till 1, nothing, rang at 2 - he was in the shower and his place is 1 and a half hrs away, rang at 3.30 and he was only in the car on the way.My aunt who had especially come over for 1 to see my son had to say bye on the phone (flying home yesterday) and was shocked how nice I was on the phone considering I was let down by his dad as she knows I have had this stuff from him many times, such as rudeness,late cancellations,not turning up,postponements etc.He then asked for his mum to have my lad and she said till 5, at 5 I rang, nothing, I left voicemail and txt and said to myself feck it I will go to grocery shop and leave the house as dunno what else to do now, have sat in all day in case they return early like they did before several times. I rang again at 6, finally at 6.30 they answered and said he will be home soon.It was 8pm when he was returned home,hyper and with lots of new Xmas toys but no bag,as I said. I smiled through gritted teeth as they said Happy New Yr to us but am sooooo annoyed with the whole lot of them!(The dad and grandparents were not involved the 1st 3yrs (ds is 6) and finally after court case I got his name on birthcert and minimum maintenance 3 yrs ago,but last year he stopped paying cos he said his self employed carpentry work is no more and I agreed to zero money on advice of solicitor as there wud have been a nasty court fight for like 20 or 10 so not worth that.)I am FED up of their lack of respect, selfishness towards me as the mum of their son/grandson especially and lack of responsibility/committment to my son.I thought his mum/the grandmother mite at least be better but I see where her son gets his attitude (criticising my deision re meds,forgetting grandson's bag,forgetting "to turn on her phone" and tell me time he was coming back).What would you do?Suck it up? Set up new boundaries? Go to court? Say nothing and fume? Already had stressful argument last year with his dad who got us to take train into city for the DAD'S access visits (yet he HAS A JEEP,I have no car) but he couldn't 'afford the petrol' to see his son,his wife works and they ahve a hse. I called his bluff and said we've done it long enough and he should pay the trainfare himself,and he reluctantly comes out himself but to a neutral location, not our house, to collect him.He doesn't help at all re school,Xmas or birthday costs despite a verbal agreement made in court in front of my solicitor.His parents don't offer to babysit or help me financially and always suit themselves re visits and times.Should I go for court access set at this stage or suck it up/be a walkover still with this whole family?Fairly frustrated!All suggestions welcome (except re how I should have known before when I met his dad, yes, I know he was the wrong guy but there were reasons as I was outta big breakup plus we used a condom, anyhow,I have him, it's how to DEAL WITH IT on my own that I need the advice, not with events 6 years ago. Thank U!
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female
reader, pebbles48 +, writes (3 January 2011):
I am assuming that your son is six years old?My advice to you would be to set up new boundaries legally and through the courts. Your son has autism and therefore needs routine and clear boundaries in order to function with the least amount of stress as possible - this chaos must be upsetting for him too. You need to do this while he is still young as my two boys who are not autistic have suffered at the hands of a father like that and it is not only frustrating and confusing but as I have done, I have never felt I had any control over my own life because the unreliability and chaos had am impact on me too and that meant it was difficult for me to give my boys the best I could. As a single parent you have to deal with all challenges single-handedley - no one will do it for you. My boys are 13 and 15 and 5 years ago I had had enough but because of the age of my boys the courts said they are old enough to decide for themselves so to this day will still have to live with their fathers bad behaviour. Do it sooner rather than later and have a better 2011. Good Luck :)
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 I'm sure you know from your son's treatment that ADHD is a hereditary disorder. From what you have written, it doesn't take much to see which parent suffers from ADHD as well. Adult ADHD is not much different than with children, but it's affect comes out in many of the ways you listed. Has he been diagnosed, or is he one of the majority who suffer from this, but have not been diagnosed. I understand that can be as frustrating or even more so than taking care of a child with hypersensitive disorders.
Your question is difficult, because in answering it I have to look at what you need and what's respectful to you, but at the same time keeping in mind the characteristics that an adult who's ADHD would possess. I have ADHD, and so does my cousin. Being adopted, I don't know which side of the family I was blessed with ADHD. Keeping time is difficult. It's said an adult with ADHD can get up hours before they have to be somewhere, and still end up being late. In my family, we know my cousin goes by a different clock than the rest of us, and I'm generally given a time to be somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes earlier than the actual time. My family members know that by doing so I'll show up between the time they provide, and the actual time I need to be there.
I would recommend setting new boundaries, but keep a journal that can be submitted to court, if the boundaries are unsuccessful. I'd also recommend the boundaries be provided in writing, and agreed upon by you and the father where you both sign to that agreement. In this you need to discuss nutrition as well. You want those boundaries set, but at the same time you want your son to enjoy growing up and being a kid. Outside the agreement, you need to understand some of his styles of doing things with your son will be different, but you need to accept that different doesn't necessarily mean they are wrong. They're simply different.
There needs to be more of a partnership between the both of you, without combative behaviors. Remember who is stuck in the middle. It is vital that you two learn to talk as adults on his behalf. Although court may eventually need to intervene, you want to use them as a last resort. This is because of how your son can be affected. It's ultimately about him and not about you or his father, so your actions need to reflect what's in your son's best interest.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 My two sisters have the same problems as your son. My parents broke up after almost 30yrs of marriage due to the stress.. One sis in government care (not by choice) and one lives with mum and stepdad. Courts, legal systems etc have NO IDEA when it comes to kids with disabilities. They just dont understand. We have fought many battles for may issues with my sisters. Best advice is to get a good doctor on your side. Taking a journel is a great idea. Your ex and his family need to understand the importance of the meds and a routine. After all you're the one who cops the bad behaviour otherwise. Video tape the behaviour before and after the visits if you can (make sure it has dates and times on it though) Get the doc to assess your son re the meds and incorrect care. If need be get sole parenting rights, no sleepovers with dad etc. Trust me it will be a hard battle but your son shouldn't suffer due to the ex's idiocy and lack of understanding. Take the dad to the doc to get the explanations.. Take him to courts for lack of care if you have to. Good luck
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A
female
reader, partyprincess2011  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 you have got to go to a solicitors they are walking all over you! They are dismissing your opinions and decisions as the mother of this young boy and are using him to get at you. Also he doesnt pay a penny!
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A
male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (3 January 2011):
 It's not easy to say go through the court process, however sucking it up is not an option, there are limits to how much shit one can suck up, and i think you've hit your limit...
In order for change to happen everything/one must be shuffled up a bit, in other words something drastic. I do not have any children nor have i ever been married.
One thing i understand though is the hate/dislike and family stress that comes from you speaking out against them.
Since you said any advice welcome i will get to my point.
If you do not take action nothing better will come of this, it will always be the same, in order to find better you must drop/cut these horrible people out of your life and make room for new friends and possible new family to join.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
 PS. Further to my first post- often legal professionals have NO IDEA of all that some clients have to deal with. Often these legal professionals can have more empathy once they see evidence of the TRUE DEPTH of what you face daily.
This is where a hand written journal helps - focused solely on your son - so, if you have not already done so - start a paper based journal that you can write up at any time you choose. To focus only on your care of your son and all you do for him. Once again no emotion. As this journal, with each entry dated, should detail all that you have to do daily for your son that demonstrates all his behavior and all you do to manage the situation.
This one is in more abbreviated form than the affidavit I mentioned earlier.
Add nothing else personal. Do not include your emotional state. If this journal goes to court then your ex's lawyer gets to read it too. So keep it focused and factual
Example
20 may 2002: son woke up at 2am with a nightmare. Calmed him and finally got him back to sleep at 3am
20 may 2002: son still sleepy. Refused breakfast. Threw cereal bowl at all. Screamed and had tantrum when I reminded him again that he could not walk with me to the store wearing his pajamas.
20 may 2002: son lay on floor at store and screamed. This was repeated 17 times. The reason being that I refused to buy a $500 model railway setup for him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
Calmly type up everything. No cussing in it. Write it up factually, respectfully. Example below. Take it to your lawyer. And ask for supervised access. Where your ex can see the child at a place of your choice and with you present. You ONLY have to agree to father's access. Also get Doctor to assess your son, and detail his medication in a report suitable to give to lawyer. Your account can be recreated into affidavit format - so bring it in hard copy and on a USB (get a blank one just for this) and give both to lawyer. Writing this out will take you ages, but it needs to be documented, factually. Because it must be factual and it must detail everything, preferably in chronological order. It must not be vitriolic nor judgmental.
If you want to really impress the lawyer and save him/her a lot of time then write it out yourself in the proper format. One clause per each different issue, no matter how detailed, as long as it is chronological and not emotional and not vitriolic. I know it is hard to have to remove so much of the opinion of the motives, pain and nastiness. But believe me the behavior of your ex is what will demonstrate enough to show the situation, without you adding 'my no good dumb ass bum of an ex', as Court does not want/need/nor have time to read that
Example of non-emotional content below.
Example:
1. On 22nd May 2010 at noon my ex partner Jerome Michael Fisher (to be referred to as JMF) was due to collect my son Lincoln Jerome Fisher (to be referred to as LJF) at twelve noon from 15 Atavar Street Placeville Mass .
2. By noon on 22nd May 2010 I had everything ready for the overnight visit of LJF to spend the evening and the next day with JMF however by one pm on that day JMF had not arrived and had not contacted me to advise of any alternative arrangement.
3. My son LJF was aware that his father was coming to collect him at noon and by 12.30pm he started yelling at me and asking me if his father was really coming to collect him and increasingly LJF was becoming unsettled despite my best efforts to distract him.
4. At two pm on 22nd May 2010 I had already tried to reach JMF five times by telephone and twice by text and once by email but in all instances my efforts to contact JMF were unsuccessful and LMF started to run around the room in circles during which time he knocked over a vase of flowers and he became further agitated while I cleaned up the broken vase.
5. I instigated strategies to calm LJF and by 4 pm LJF agreed to watch his favorite video and this gave me time to start trying to contact JMF again and in between these calls I kept an eye on LJF and started fixing the evening meal as by this time I was uncertain if JMF intended to turn up to collect his son for an access visit or not as JMF had still not contacted me nor had any other party contacted me on his behalf to advise me of any reason for the delay.
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