A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My issue is pretty strange. Recently, almost two months ago, an old high school friend came back into my life. He started to talk about how in love with me he used to be, and said he still had feelings and had been searching for me all along but since my name changed he had no luck. I mentioned the relationship I was in, that was already falling apart, said we should get to know each other again, that so much has changed in twenty years. I gained weight and was honest about it, also mentioned that I had some emotional issues I was working through since last Feb. He was there, always kind, always encouraging and wanting to see me. My boyfriend and I broke it off and I continued to converse with my old high school friend.Eventually The high school friend came to see me. The day before he arrived he mentioned his cell was stolen. Still he made it. He had his hand on my leg the entire time in the car, we drove, parked, talked. Amazingly he had a cell phone and showed me pictures of his kids and nephews and nieces. Finally he kisses me and is so tender so loving and when he came to see me he held me tight. We never said we love each other, but I felt it innately. It seemed he did too.Then, he stopped calling. I was worried about his well being and slipped a note stating as much. He got back, said he loves me but had been busy, and that he misses me.So I let more time go by and I finally sent an email saying that I was certain I put him off, and that I would leave him alone, and wished him and his children a good life. He responded that he had been busy, and that he couldn't wait to see me again, that he was thinking of me and just because he doesn't call does not mean he doesn't love me. He called me silly.I let another week go by, and finally told him I was giving up on anything happening. I expressed anger that he came back into my life, that HE spoke about soul mates, love not dying, of having children with me - all along I was asking to slow down.All he says is he wants me to have time and space due to the break up with my partner (was short relationship) and so that I could do my work (illustrator).Part of be believes it, the other part is unsure. My gut tells me sometimes that he went away and is just being kind to not hurt me, my other gut says that he loves me and understands the harsh realities Ive been facing and perhaps he is biding his time.The sad part is I love him. In high school no. He was a close friend and at one point when we were both young he made an advancement on me. I refused the advances and explained he was my friend. He never told me he was in love with me. The advance was sexual in nature. Had he said he loved me, I would have been receptive, I loved him too, but not in that way. I just thought he was so sweet.Sometimes, I think he came back for revenge. He has a four year degree in psychology. Maybe he is playing with me, perhaps he is healthy and I'm unused to men with lives who do not need me there 24 7. Or...He is not interested because I shattered the fantasy and became older.I have apologized for speaking about my issues to him, and for what I think I did, which was hurt him in high school.All he tells me is that he loves me and is giving me time and space.Opinions? Any are appreciated, from both men and women. I would love to know if anyone has had this issue. Especially men, would love to know your thoughts on this. I'd sincerely appreciate it.Signed,Minnie
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revenge, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): I'm glad you gave us an update and stopped writing to him. It's obvious that he's playing some cruel game with you. Yes, telling him how you feel would be a bad idea. It would only be satisfying to him to know that he hurt you. I think he's getting his kicks off of knowing he has some control over you.
Yes, rejection hurts. Yes, this man is abusive--no doubt about it.
I'm going through something similar with a man who came back into my life and talked about commitment but has strung me along for the past year just to feed his own ego, so I know how you feel. It does hurt and leaves us feeling empty, but the only thing to do in such situations is to leave it in the past and move on, because it's not fixable.
It has taken me a while, but I'm finally starting to accept that. I hope you see that in your relationship with this man too.
And that's right. You do have a lot to give someone. And you will meet someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved and find happiness again.
Best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Finally I quit e-mailing him on the 6th and while at times I become angry because I told him I was backing away or not going to contact him and he had a chance to just come clean then, I realize rejection is a part of life and at this point stating how I feel to him would be moot. I also realize that some people are careless and thoughtless of others feelings, what can I do? So I’ve let go of him and am moving on. It hurts sometimes because he talked about marriage in comments he made, talked about soul mates, and all he ever does is tell me he loves me when I back away - and well, it seems abusive if he has a four year degree in psychology, surely he already knows how he’s coming across. I don’t hate him though. I feel sad for him, and a little for me as well. But I suppose he’s on the losing end. At 38 I look 29 and am losing pounds steadily for months now, I feel good and have a strong sense of self and compassion - and well...he needs it.I have a lot to give someone and deserve respect in return.Again, thank you so much, I sincerely appreciate it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I can understand why you're questioning this guy's motives. It seems strange that he'd show up out of the blue, claim to have been searching for you for years, profess his undying love, and then drop out of sight.
But I'm doubtful that it's a revenge mission--though that's possible.
I think finding you like that was more of a fantasy for him than anything. And of course, meeting you couldn't live up to a fantasy he'd built up in his head for all of those years.
Giving you space. LOL! For what? Life is too short and no one's life is perfect. We all have issues to deal with. It seems pretty arrogant to me that he'd presume you "need space." And to be honest, I think it's a mere excuse. If he really wanted this relationship, he'd be pounding at your door.
And are you sure he's not married or involved with someone else? That could also explain his silence.
You've made a few big mistakes. The biggest one was--contacting him. These may be modern times, but men still like to do the chasing. If we contact them, sometimes it sends them running, for then, we come off as desperate, and that turns a man off quickly.
So please stop contacting him. Don't call him, email him or anything. Let him contact you. He will if he's truly interested. If he's just playing games, he either won't call you or he will occasionally just to string you along emotionally to feed his own ego.
Also, by expressing anger for his lack of attention and by dumping your troubles on him the minute you met, you could have pushed him even further away by coming off as pushy and needy.
And, are you kidding me? You apologized? You should never have apologized for expressing your emotions to him or for what you may have done in school. Not only did you come off as weak and insecure, but if he's not over high school, then he's troubled person indeed and it would be best to have no further contact with him.
So don't contact him, don't apologize, and don't sound insecure.
But don't wait around for him either. Get out and socialize and meet some other guys, because, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy life, and there's no reason why you should wait for this guy.
If he calls, tell him your life is going great. Sound positive. And tell him you've been so busy, getting together with friends and having fun.
I really don't think this relationship will go further
He has satisfied his fantasy of getting together with you, and I think that's all he really wanted.
Hopefully, I'm wrong. Keep us posted on what happens.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (11 November 2010):
Hello Minnie,
Sorry you are in a confused state right now. It is really understandable you are questioning this man's motives and you know what, I would to. However, the most important thing, is that you form a relationship with yourself and nourish your heart and soul. Maybe this man is a total nutter from the past out on a revenge fantasy and maybe he isn't but it's your reactions that are the most important.
1. If he is a nutter - what a poor, lost fool. What a waste of a life. He deserves your compassion. His motives are his and his alone and if he has now ticked your name off 'I'll show them' list, then let's hope he has buggered off completely which means you can now put your efforts into finding a really good man.
2. You can second guess the motives of someone to the end of time but it won't get you the genuine answer and you know what, don't waste time trying to find it.
3. If you are still determined to try to uncover his motives. Well, in my experience, 'Giving space' to someone can been seen as benevolent but, if you are a sadistic narcissist, then it is really total indifference pretending to be benevolent concern. It is a truely manipulative cover story. It is a trick people use - I am giving you space.......no, actually you are demonstrating complete indifference. This is then designed to make you feel an ungrateful nuisance. He is telling you that YOU need space. The great HE has decided this but he didn't need to tell you that. YOu had to contact him to discover that. He hunted you down for 20 years but now.....he is giving further time apart. Doesn't make sense, does it?
So, my advice, is that if he is a nutter on a revenge fantasy - thank god he is out of your life. If he is a sweet man who genuinely loves you - he's not doing a really good job forming a relationship, is he Hello, I love you but I'm too busy to contact you. Well, the writing is on the wall there, isn't it?
My advice, is that you forget this man and get on with your life.
I hope this helps. XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): ive had this situation bfore on the one hand they are so sweet and nice and on the other they never phone. when that happened to me after a while i told him that i felt like i was bieng used or that he didnt care about me cause he never phoned he then told me that he had had a very bad relationship with a girl who cheated on him and lied to him and he had fallen in love with her. so he said that he was afraid to get to close in case he got burned again. he had never told me this bfore, cause of his pride men have pride in spades and theyll do anything to hide there weekneses. be straight with him and tell him what u feel but calmly dont get mad. and if that still doesnt work then i suggest u get out. lol
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