A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My spouse and i argue over everything, constantly. I feel like my spouse assumes they know what i am going to say and talks over me, so i am never heard. I have expressed this. My spouse says that i do the same back, but i feel like i really try to listen.We have been married less than two years and have no kids, and have hardly lived together this second year. Our lives have been consumed by abuse from one of us and an affair from the other.But we still want to make this work. I do still 100% but my spouse is starting to think it would be better to divorce. We have also had a ton of fun in our marriage, and whenever something bad happens in life the only person i want by my side is my spouse. I cant imagine ever being close enough to another person to have them fill that role or for me to want them to. Even in the darkest times in our marriage my spouse is the only person i want to be there for me through lifes troubles. We are currently separated. Everytime we make an effort at talking, even just small talk, it is a huge fight that goes on for hours. We have wanted to go to counseling but we cant even live together long enough to make it to an appointment. I am starting to wonder if itd even help. Maybe i am holding onto some fantasy that will never happen.Anyone else been thru this? Anyone have any ideas on how to help us communicate? I purposefully did not say if i was the husband or wife or who abused or cheated because i want as objective opinions as possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I'm pretty sure your arguement was not over socks really. I've gone through bad patches with my spouse where an arguement would flair up over the smallest thing and it came out of hurt over something else that had happened. If you don't attack or should I say work issues head on they will fester. I agree with the previous poster, your relationship may well be beyond repair but if you are both willing to work on it you must seek counselling. The reasons for the abuse and cheating may stem from hurt and betrayal you have caused each other or simply that one of you is an abuser and the other is a cheater. I do believe people csn make better lives for themselves and become better people but you need to acknowledge your relationship has a hugh amount of baggage, only time and counselling are likely to help here. At the end of a long road you may end up still splitting. If you can't discuss the topic of counselling eithout an argument, one thought thst comes to mind is to book the appointment and then send your husband an email or hand written note. If you explsin how you regret( which I assume you do) your past actions and want to work on forgiving him for his, which you must in order to move on and you see the only way to get through this to be through counselling. Ask him to join you at the appointment and leave the ball in his court to decide if he is also ready to work on this.
One final word of caution. I personally would find cheating to be something easier to forgive then physical or emotional abuse. I have been emotionally abused in a previous relationship and it devestated me. If you are the abuser, consider whether you can stop before proceeding. If you are being abused, consider your safety. I am not saying cheating is ok, I am just speaking from my own experience.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Abuse and cheating are the big ouchies in marriages that are EXTREMELY hard to forgive and forget.
If you guys can't even talk about socks or anything, there's clearly too much resentment there.
I love to see troubled relationships turn around, because it's those woes that make you closer and stronger together. But from the sounds of things, you guys have far exceeded the limits of what is reasonable to expect.
Try to think about this logically... No children makes it a lot easier for you guys to split, and unfortunately, sooner is probably better before the abuse or cheating start up again.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 It may be a little too late, you guys sound like you should have went to counseling quite a while ago instead of making excuses or pushing it off. This damage may be unrepairable..and you will have to work that much harder in marriage counseling. The therapists give you the necessary tools and exercises but it's at home of where you have to apply what you learned..Not to mention both have to be willing to make this work. Don't knock marriage counseling until you try it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess we don't have to live together to go. But like this morning my spouse was on the phone with me and started getting upset over not being able to find a clean pair of socks. So I said oh look in xyz drawer, I know there is a pair in there. And spouse cuts me off half way thru this statement saying they don't have time for this they are late for work and I am being a *^%#*! for keeping them on the phone. I tried to say ok sorry I was just trying to help. But this argument has lasted 11 hours already today, now we aren't speaking again. I don't know how it gets to this. I try to head it off every time. If we can't even talk about socks I don't know how we will ever get through anything.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
Why do you have to live together to go to counseling? You both go..and one's insurance will cover a portion of it, depending on your insurance. If you're having troubles, abuse, affair, constant arguing..he's ready to throw up the divorce card but you both would go to counseling, so why not tap into that resource? It's the last one you have to salvage your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Honestly, I think this is beyond online help. You don't have to life together to see a counsellor. One of you can setup the meeting and you can both agree to just turn up. Regardless of who had the affair and who was the abuser, there has been hurt and betrayal from both sides. Your commuinication issue likely lead you here in the first place. This has gotten so severe that you really need the support of a counseller, I don't believe one or two tips from someone in this forumn can go anywhere near close enough. Lets hope your husband will agree to attend.
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