A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop thinking about an online friend. I have thought about other people previously but never acted on it.I am nearly 25 years old and have been with my partner for nearly 8 years. Before him I had 1 other boyfriend of a few months whom I originally lost my virginity to.I am my boyfriends first girlfriend. He is 25.We bought a house together but rent it out. We live with his parents while I go to college full time and he works.For the past 2 years it's been rough. I guess for the past 4-5 years it's been hard. We had money problems and we've had sex problems. We rarely have sex. It's weird because I'm a sexual person and watch porn and fantasize about so much but I can't let him in on that part of myself. And I have never fully understood why I can't. He believes I am the most unsexual person in the world. He watches porn and everything and I have no problem with that.I am completely bored with our sex life. I have tried to spice it up here and there but every time I start to have a great time, he finishes. And it's always been like that. And then he gets frustrated because he knows he's letting me down.At the moment due to financial issues and my college I am not working, but have worked for the past several years full time for minimum wage. For the past few years I was feeling quite down because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, who I was, what I was good at etc. Then I started college and my whole life changed. I started feeling better.I've known my male friend for the past 5 years, we've communicated on/off. We live in different countries and share many interests. We've always just been friends I guess. Because of the past year or so I haven't had constant communication with him because of some bad stuff happening in my life (relatives dying, loosing my old job etc) but recently we've started talking again because he's planning a trip to my country and wanted some of my advice. Every time I talk to him it seems everything is just better. I look forward to it. I wait for him to come online. I close my eyes and can just hear him talking. He is 28 years old. I also find him very attractive. I fantasize about him. And I feel insanely guilty about it.Some friends of mine who are all married and engaged ask me what my plans are for marriage. I guess years ago I wanted to get married. I waited and waited. We hit the 6 year mark and I talked to him about it. He said that he doesn't believe in marriage and that financially marriage seems stupid anyway. Which I agreed with.But now I don't think I could get married.It's hard because I sit here typing this in his and his family's home, whom I love like my own family. We have so much history. We own a home together. We share a bank account together. It's like we're married already (home, bank) but we aren't.I feel so guilty and shitty about liking this other guy. He has no idea and we continue to talk like normal. He never says anything inappropriate to me as he is a respectful, kind person although there has been small ounces of hints previously bordering on flirting.All I can see myself doing is just staying with my boyfriend. I don't like confrontation. I don't want him to be upset. He is a good person, he's never done anything wrong to me. How do you pick up the pieces after something like that?Sometimes I wish he would just cheat on me because I am a coward and it would be so much easier. But he doesn't.I feel like the worst person on earth sometimes.
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different countries, engaged, flirt, lost my virginity, money, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): You are living a fantasy in your mind about this other guy. Reality will be much different and cheating will burn you badly. At least you already know much of what is going on with you."I'm a sexual person and watch porn and fantasize about so much but I can't let him in on that part of myself. And I have never fully understood why I can't. He believes I am the most unsexual person in the world. He watches porn and everything and I have no problem with that."But, you are unhappy with your sex life and,"Sometimes I wish he would just cheat on me because I am a coward and it would be so much easier. But he doesn't."Because it would....?Well, it would "give you a license to do what you want with the other guy" but that won't fix your problem, you already have that license anyway. Your problem is "I can't let him in on that part of myself" and that is where you need to start. Otherwise, you will have a new guy, and same problem."I have never fully understood why I can't."Don't continue down this road, take some time and get some help.My wife had this problem, for a number of reasons. It led to lots of problems, she lost track of the number of sexual partners, and same problem over and over and over. It led her into an affair after we got married, and to wrongfully suspect that I was cheating, and to fear that I was leaving her because of this wall she wouldn't take down. Now she understands why, and has let me in on that part of herself, and her life is a lot better sexually as well as otherwise. However, her past still haunts her, what she did and what was done to her as she never opened up to anyone till me and only then when the choice was to either open up or accept that marriage was a full on failure.You've got a guy who won't cheat on you...better value that, they aren't that common as you will find as life moves on and your friends see their husbands cheat with younger women, older women, different women, and the women do the same.You need a professional counselor, and if the first one doesn't work then you need the second. You also need to talk to this guy of yours and deal with your issues...you may not be secure with him...probably aren't...need to work on that together.Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to work on things. That is what it takes.
A
female
reader, lif3sucks  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 well when i read this i got very interested in it, for one you are not a bad person so get that out of your head, things like this happens i think maybe your just falling out of love with this person you guys have been dating for so long you guys started when you were really young and you still are young and i think you want something new. If you really feel like you want to stay in this relationship i would consider deleting this guy online and stop talking to him, since you guys are having money problems try going out on a pic nic or stay at home and watch movies together. try opening up with him and tell him that you feel like your relationship has hit a rock and that you miss him and interact by talking to each other ask how your day has been. now if you really feel like you dont want to be with him anymore your going to need to end it dont keep him in your life if thats not what you want cuz its not fare to you and its not fare to him. i hope this helps and if not im really sorrygood luck though!! :)
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Some people are just not meant to be together, ALTHOUGH the internet is a playground of singles. It's hard to be faithful in todays world. If you wish he would cheat on you so you could go, it sounds like you pretty much have your mind made up. However since you are living with his family.. where exactly would you go, especially being unemployed? Think about that before you make any moves. You don't want to end up homeless! Has this guy you've been chatting with been single for the entire 5 years you've been chatting with him? If soo.. I wonder why. Is he who you think he is? People can be anyone they want on the net.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Ok wishing that your boyfriend would cheat on you is a very very bad sign. If you truely wish that then you cant love him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him, and if that is the case you need to let him go now before you end up being really unhappy together. You need to let him in and tell him how you feel. Maybe you can both work on it.
Ok as for your sex life there are many books out there available that show you both some tips and moves for a good sex life therefore invest in a book and enjoy going through it together, you will be amazed at what you can learn from a book. As for you not letting him in to your thing with porn, that can be completely normal behaviour. Many people like keeping things like this to themselves. However you also need to do things for him in the bedroom as does he for you.
Ok it sounds like you spent many years confused and depressed as you didnt know where your life was going, most people in there 20s go through this if they havent chosen a career path, and yes it is a stressful time in anybodys life. But i think you may be associating how bad you felt with your boyfriend even though it was not his fault. But it is good now that you are in a happier place career wise. Good for you. Its always great to go to college and do something that you like doing.
As for marriage. Well he has made it clear he doesnt believe in it. But you need to think deeply about that and ask yourself can you really deal with never getting married. Everyone has different opinions on marriage and you need to ask yourself what yours is.
As for this other guy, i actually just believe that this is a phase you are going through, it doesnt sound to me like he have genuine feelings for him, it is just a fantasy a dream to get away from your life and think about someone else, this doesnt make you a bad person. You just need to put some extra excitiment in to your life at the moment.
If you really believe that you are not happy with your boyfriend and it cant be worked on then end it. But if you think that maybe you havent tried hard enough then sit him down and tell him that you have been having doubts and both of you work to make things fresh and exciting again. But remember you need to tell him these feelings. Try having date nights, make sure that you both are spending plenty of time as a couple and go out with friends. We only get one life sweetie live it to the most. Goodluck.
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