A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I met this girl at work a few months ago and I developed feelings for her. Come to find out she also developed feelings for me. Problem is, she has been with a guy for 5 years and has two children with him. He is emotionally, and on occasion, physically abusive. So we decided to get to know each other better. We have been hanging out at my house and we go on dates and stuff. We decided not to do anything physical until she leaves him. We kissed once a while ago and that's it. She says she is waiting for a "sign" to leave him, but the truth of the matter is, she is scared of him. I guess they discussed how they really can't see much of a future with each other anymore but she is scared to leave. The fact that they have kids makes it harder I know. I want to just forget about her but I can't. She is everything I could possibly want in someone and more. She is smart, funny, and beautiful, and she accepts me for who I am. I've never felt this way about anyone before. And, for the record, she really really likes me too. She told me that she has never felt so close and comfortable with someone since she fell in love with her boyfriend five years ago. So am I just being dumb by waiting? There is definitely something special between us. Does anyone have any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Yes you should wait for her, at least until you have more or clearer signs if the situation with her is hopeless.
She needs help to leave her abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are really messed up and they make the victim messed up which is why they can't leave. she needs help. Abusive relationships make the victim isolated so their world consists of just their relationship, making them dependent on the abuser. People are telling you to walk away from her, I'm saying don't. That would be cruel of you, knowing she's in a living situation that's destroying her, that she needs help and support, and instead you walk away from her.
People will say well she should go see a counselor or get out of the relationship if it's so abusive. And that you should walk away from her until she gets herself out of this relationship, because it's wrong to be having an affair.
well yes it's wrong to be having an affair, but I believe that wrongness is trumped by how wrong it is for her boyfriend to be abusing her in the first place!! IMO a person who abuses their partner, doesn't deserve any loyalty whatsoever from the victim.
And abuse victims often can't just get out by themselves, easier said than done. The tough love approach of just walking away and saying they need to help themselves, needs to be modified in this situation. Yes it's true that they need to make the decision on their own to leave, but they need help to get to that state.
Already it's hard for normal people to leave normal unhappy (but non-abusive) relationships because of kids, guilt, etc. But with abusive relationships, it's ten times harder. Because this is no normal relationship. Abusive relationships mess with the victim's mind and destroy their self esteem and confidence, and put them in a mental fog where they lose an accurate sense of reality and can no longer perceive alternatives to their situation. When you're in this state, how likely are you to have the strength to leave, and the clarity of mind to plan the escape?
Yes there are abuse victims who finally by sheer strength of will summon up the courage and ability to leave, and my hat is off to them. But we should not expect this of all abuse victims in general, many simply cannot do that and it's not their fault it's their abuser's fault.
Many many victims of abusive relationships cannot gather up the strength by themselves, without some outside support network, to get out, or not without a lot of collateral damage done or not until things have reached such disastrous proportions that if they do finally leave on their own, the scars are much worse than if they were able to leave SOONER because they had HELP from someone who cared.
People here will say well she needs to leave him on her own. What if by the time she finally leaves him 20 years from now, but now she has multiple broken bones or is even more emotionally scarred and dysfunctional??? All because the advice given is for someone who cared for her, to abandon her and let her deal on her own, because he happens to also be in love with her??
I can't go along with that.
Many women in abusive relationships have been KILLED by their abusive partners, because they could not get out long ago. How can anyone just walk away and not try to help.
And statistics and studies all show that abuse in relationships usually gets worse over time, not better.
Therefore, knowing that she is in an abusive relationship, and caring about her, I think it would be wrong for you to walk away from her on the grounds that it's immoral to be in love with her so she should just get her act together and leave him first before you can be together. If hers was a normal relationship then I think yes that's the case she should get out on her own first before you get back in contact. But hers is not a normal relationship she's in an ABUSIVE relationship which is a whole other sick and twisted kind of relationship and she is trapped.
Don't walk away from her.
If you read up websites on abusive relationships, they say if you know someone in an abusive relationship you need to be there for them, to be their link to the outside world.
That said, please note that I'm NOT saying to go ahead and continue your affair with her indefinitely. That's not going to help her nor you because it wont' change anything. that's just prolonging her situation AND if her boyfriend finds out, it's going to put her in more danger.
I'm saying you should proactively HELP her to leave him. Put your romantic relationship with her on hold until after she's left him, but don't abandon her now you need to stay as a friend, and help her to leave first.
And then after she's left him, still you should be there for her as a friend but put the romantic side of the relationship on hold until after she has done some healing emotionally. Coming out of an abusive relationship will leave her with a LOT of emotional baggage. If you get in a relationship with her while she's still in this messed up state, it can destroy your new relationship and mess her up more and mess you up too. It will set your relationship off to a bad start.
so in a nutshell I'm saying please don't walk away from her. People in abusive relationships need all the outside support they can get, if they are to finally leave the relationship. But don't continue the affair either. Put the romantic relationship on hold, stay as a friend and HELP her to leave her abusive partner and then after she has left and healed, THEN resume your romantic relationship with her once she's in a better place. And be prepared that being in a relationship with her might be tumultuous due to her emotional baggage. just be aware of that so if you still decide to pursue a relationship with her you're going in with eyes wide open.
but if despite your best efforts to help her she just refuses to leave, then you will have to cut yourself loose so you don't destroy your own life too by getting entangled in an affair and emotionally investing in someone without ever getting anything in return. But that's for you to decide further down the road.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust so everyone knows, she is not married. I am not going to wait forever and I am going to tell her that. yes I have seen proof of her abuse. plus people who have known her longer than me have told me about it. either way I love her and I can't give up on her just yet. although I am going to make myself less readily available to her. it's all very confusing. I just get the feeling that a lot of people have given up on her in her life (including her family) and I think she kind of expects me too as well but I am just not willing to do that. that's what I would normally do but every ounce of my being is telling me that doing that would be a mistake. I know it sounds dumb but it is what is. thank you all for your advice and keep it coming!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): You are the knight in shining armor, who will rescue her and make it all better.Just like the prior guy.She's having an affair, albeit mostly emotional at this time.She needs a good counselor, not a new boyfriend. Otherwise, new guy, same problems being manifested in a different manner, and no resolution.The best thing you can do is tell her to get a counselor, and stop seeing people outside her marriage, and get out of the relationship yourself.
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A
female
reader, Lara H  +, writes (9 February 2011):
I think its really sweet how you feel about her. I don't think you should throw all that away. It may be best if she speaks with a trained professional or seeks help on how to leave her husband, because if he is emotionally and physically abusing her, this will not only effect her and her self-esteem, but also her children if they are witnesses to any form of domestic violence. You love her, so obviously do not want to see her hurt anymore. Either you can help her, give her somewhere to stay for a while so she can sort things out, or you should advise her to speak to someone who can help her leave her abusive relationship. Yeah, if you really love her wait for her, but if she keeps making excuses as to why she can't leave her husband, tell her how you feel and that you don't want to just be 'the other man'. No one can wait forever. Speak to her and see if she is really ready to leave her husband and begin a new life with you, which she definitly needs to by the sounds of it. Good Luck and all the best x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 February 2011):
 How do you know he's abusive to her, have you seen the bruises?
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (9 February 2011):
You shouldn't close yourself off to the possibility of being with her in the future, but neither should you emotionally invest yourself entirely in this woman who may never leave her husband. Keep your perspective, keep yourself available to other women, and keep reminding yourself that she could drop you just as soon as she might drop her husband.
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