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writes: Something that may help other men that are bothered by their gf or wife's sexual past. This was my original question a few weeks ago.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-change-my-resurfaced-feelings-about.htmlI am posting these new thoughts because of the large number of questions that appear on this same subject and because my realization may help other men in the same situation as me. These thoughts are specific to what my wife may have been going through when she got divorced at the age of 30. When my wife left her 1st husband and got a divorce she had just turned 30, gotten her first gray hair and gotten her first wrinkle. Two of the women that I had gone with had just broken up with their husbands. One of these pretty much dragged me into the bedroom on the first date. She was in her early 30s. The other one said to me when I had asked her for a date, "I don't think you know how old I am." I asked, "How old are you?" and she said that she was 35. I told her that I was 36 and she was very happy about that. Anyway, I had not intended to try to get her into bed on the first date, but she sort of was all over me. I think I was her first date after the separation. I compared these reactions to what my wife must have felt with her first partners and how much she needed the affection and knowing that she was still desirable and not old.Later that morning I discussed this with her and she felt that it seemed like an answer that she had always looked for, although she cannot be sure. I asked her why she told me 28 years ago that she did that because she had decided to just have sex with lots of men and she said that probably because she had felt that to say anything else was just a lame excuse and that she was wondering why she had behaved in that way. She regrets some of what she had done 30 years ago, but now feels that she has redeemed herself by her faithfulness to me for 28 years. After a year of picking men up 30 years ago, she had also felt guilty about what she was doing. That is why she had a need to tell me about it when we started dating. Thinking about how those 2 newly separated women wanted me and comparing it to how my wife had probably felt, I understand much better what she needed. I guess the thing to realize is that men and women have much different needs and thoughts about what they want in the opposite sex. That is difficult to understand for both sexes.Another thing to think about that someone posted on another forum that I read about a month ago. I forget what message board it was (not dearcupid), so I will summarize it here. The person basically said that there are women who love and need sex and those that don’t particularly like sex. Guys want their loves to have been more pure in their past, but want them sexual when they meet them. These do not correspond. He said that he knows of some male friends that married women that had a more “pure” past sex life and now they complain that their wives do not want to have sex much and their sex lives are poor. My wife has always loved and needed sex. We still do it several times a week, even though we are over 60. We sometimes did it 2 or 3 times a day when we were in our 30s. What more could a guy ask for. If you have a very sexual wife or girlfriend be happy that she is that way.I want to add a point about discussing the details of past sex lives. I had thought for years that she had incredibly exciting sex with her past lovers. Since discussing the details of both of our past histories about 3 months ago, I now realize that she has had far more excitement with me than with all of the others. We have also done many things that neither of us had done before. I don’t see any need to get into too much detail, but for instance, she had never allowed anyone to cum in her mouth before me. I have the satisfaction of knowing that she will do that often and swallow and actually likes it. Also, I normally give her 2 or 3 orgasms during one session, while she remembers that she had never had more than 2 before and normally only zero or 1. Most of those guys didn’t care about making her happy.Will these thoughts make you completely forgive her for what she had done? No, but it will help a lot. Some of the details of what my wife had done with some of her past lovers gives me ideas to try something different to add a little more spice to our sex lives, as if we really need it. I still have trouble accepting that she picked up some guys at a bar and took them home for sex, but it is easier to accept when my wife has done much more with me then she had done with all the others combined. There was also no love with those guys, just sex.As for me, I have not had any really bad feelings for a few weeks now. My normal weird dreams are back and my thoughts when I wake up are back to normal, like thinking about getting ready for a trip or building a new shed in the back yard instead of thinking about my wife's past sex life. I also have very little need to talk to her about it during the day. Hopefully the bad feelings will stay away this time. Only time will tell. It is my wife's willingness to endure talking to me as much as it takes and the help of people on this board, along with my ability to rationalize her past that has made the difference. For those of you who are having this same problem, don't give up and I can only hope that you have a partner who is as dedicated to you as my wife is to me.
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reader, Tbonex  +, writes (27 June 2009):
 That is very interesting. I am married to and so far its fine. I haven't been married for a year yet but we still are so that's a good sign. When I first met my wife(she was my girlfriend first of course!), I was still a virgin. Not anymore. Our sex life is passable. Of course I don't get everything I may want when it comes to that but in time...maybe. I don't have any problems with my wifes past sex history(as long as there are no diseases involved). And as long as she doesn't talk about that unless I ask or she is saying I'm better than the others. Than yeah, I could tolerate that.
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