A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months and I have learned some things about him during this time that concerns me. Keep in mind that we are both in our early thirties. Here are some things about him:-Never been in a serious relationship before...says it's bc he is picky and didn't want to date just anyone.-Still lives with his parents...although on paper he owns the house.-Did not go to college...not a big deal, but I have a MBA and have never dated anyone without a college degree. however, he is very intelligent and witty.-Told me about a situation/misunderstanding that happened a few years ago where he was sued. During this time he didn't work (about 4 years) because he didn't want to support the plaintiff. Ultimately when the case was settled, he declared bankruptcy.-Is at times impatient.The way he explained things make me want to take his side, but I am staring to wonder if some of these issues are too much. I am divided because I do like him....great sense of humor, great smile, very reliable and loyal. We always have fun together...What would you do??? I would really appreciate your advice!!! Thanks.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 June 2010):
 One thing about relationships is that it will never grow beyond the lowest common denominator. The one who's more mature, successful, and emotionally stable will be dragged down by the one who isn't.
Him asking you to help him be a better man isn't a possibility. He and only he alone can achieve that, and it's better that he does it without you, lest you be dragged into becoming a "worse" woman.
You did the right thing, and there will be someone else out there. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi~
I just wanted to give you all a quick update. I really appreciate all your inputs so far!
Since my last update....and MANY arguments with this man, it finally got through my thick infatuated head that "chemistry" is not enough. Intellectually I know this, but as you may understand when you are in the middle of a new relationship our reasoning can become foggy.
I think he is a good person, but he is lacking SO much in terms of what I expect from an equal partner. I don't want to end up babysitting him and becoming resentful. Although, I am sad that things didn't work out with "Mr. Mysterious"...I know it is for the best.
I know he is going to continue to try to wiggle back into my life with promises of change and wanting me to help him be a better man. Help me to be strong and just let this one go...
The right person for me is out there.....I hope : )
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Are you sure this guy wasn't in jail for those 4 years? It would explain a lot. I just can't imagine anyone sitting on a couch for 4 years watching TV who is perfectly healthy just so that he doesn't have to pay a judgment that was awarded against him. That just shows such bad character and he doesn't even seem remorseful over doing it. He's not telling you the truth.
He does sound like a textbook description of a sociopath.
Seriously, run. Sociopaths are dangerous.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 May 2010):
Thanks for following up! I like the answering in numbers, so I'll continue that:
1. Education - you're absolutely right to question that. While I agree that education isn't "everything", it is a measure of ambition and life vision. Also, you have an MBA. Your very background and way of thinking is different than his.
2. Parents - curfew and control is the very tip of the iceberg. He's never had to mentally face a problem alone and work himself out of the situation. That's like always riding a bicycle with training wheels. He's never learned the skills of living on his own, skills you and I take for granted.
3. Relationship - the big thing is that he's in his 30's and has never ever opened his heart to anyone else. That's a huge thing, someone who's never had to make himself vulnerable, who's never lived their life thinking about someone else more than themselves. What you just said is HUGE - he said, "I won't get anything out of it". Is that what a relationship is to him? Or is it a selfless, unconditional love? I would be afraid that his approach would be very selfish.
4. Bankruptcy - When it comes to finances, a story about finances is the same as a story about divorce. It'll always be painted in a sympathetic light by the person telling the story. A public record doesn't lie, even though a person can. Was he candid about the lawsuit? Can he still be sued? Some lawsuits cannot be absolved through bankruptcy. Could you be risking your financial health by merging it with his through marriage/cohabitation? How is he with his money now? Again, he's never lived alone, so pretty much he's had more ability to spend than us independent people who have bills to pay!
5. Patience - Ohhh my. This isn't just a patience issue. This is a respect issue. This also ties into the education thing. How are you two going to communicate if he's impatient with how you express yourself? Not to be crude, but would he take his time being considerate to you physically, or again, is it what "he can get out of it"?
You're *smart*. Your brain and intellect are not at odds with your heart, and they are absolutely NOT a hindrance for a good love life. There are guys out there who are keepers for you and won't have red-flag traits that you have to excuse. You're not being overly picky, and you won't have to go through life alone! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I realize that there are a lot of questions that I need answers for. Although I give him credit for telling me about these things, at the same time I don't have to be okay with it. Especially, the character issues that you all pointed out.
Looking at the facts, it really doesn't make "sense" to continue seeing him. I just wish that he wasn't so likeable and sweet. Even though at times, his cluelessness about women/relationships is frustrating he always seems to be WILLING to learn and modify his behavior/reactions.
Also, I wanted to elaborate on a few issues that your responses brought up.
1. Education- I agree that having a college degree doesn't necessarily mean that a person is intelligent. However, I must question his ambition when I also consider that he didn't work for a period of time. When I asked if he felt he lost time or felt "behind" he said no AND that he enjoyed the time off...but for several years???
2. Living with parents- It doesn't seem like they control him or anything..no curfew etc., but it's just strange in general...and makes me question whether his maturity.
3. Lack of relationship- YOUWISH, I agree with you 100% here. His response was "why bother if I'm not THAT into a girl...it's a waste of time and I won't get anything out of it".
4. Bankruptcy- I need more details from him about this. I agree that something just doesn't add up.
5. Impatient- He told me that he is naturally impatient, but he's learned how to deal with it. The only time I've noticed it was when we're talking and he rushes me to get to the point. When I told him that it was rude to interrupt, he apologized and said I was right and he would try not to do it again. Other than that he seems very mentally stable. I really like his optimism and energy as well...that's what attracted me to him the most.
I know it should be EASY to walk away, but I wonder if I'm being too judgmental...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Everyone has a past and the past shaped them what they are today.
The tea pot is made from clay and if you think the clay is ugly ,then you should not drink from any tea pot.
Education does not make you an educated person. Going to college or having a degree only makes you well versed in certain subjects. Experiences in life will make you an educated person.
You are now living in the present and it is the present that concerns us. You are not living in the past and you cannot go back and change the past.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (28 May 2010):
Okay, here comes a man's point of view. It sounds like you're just ticking off the cliche points that women are "supposed" to look for in a man.
Lives with his parents. So what? Do they run his life? Does he have a curfew? Does he have an allowance?
Did not go to college. Lady, these days I tend to think that means "he isn't neck deep in debt." College "educates" people, but it doesn't make them smart.
Didn't work and declared bankruptcy so that somebody couldn't take him money. Sounds pretty clever to me.
Impatience and not having a serious relationship might be character flaws. Everybody's got em. The others, frankly, just sound like things that women think are supposed to matter, but really don't--the reasons your girlfriends would tell you to ditch him for some law student who will never have time for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Totally agree with Youwish - this guy obviously has no clue about life and taking responsibility for himself. Yes you may have fun with him etc - but it doesnt sound like he will be able to support you if you got into a relationship - sounds like you'll be the one supporting him. Pretty sure you want a boyfriend and not a child. Do your investigating on him, I stupidly believed all my ex's words - everything was other ppls fault as to why he couldnt hold a job etc.. I ended up paying big time for that ass.. dont fall for it! The day he shows he has a job, lives alone and can live a life not dependant on others and has priorities in line.. thats when you may wanna try with him.
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A
female
reader, Xtina356 +, writes (28 May 2010):
Thirties or not, red flags are red flags. Something just sounds a little fishy and I think requires a little more investigation. If he was out of work for 4 years, how did he a) pay for a defense attorney? b) afford a house? c) come to have his parents live with him? d) get approved for a mortgage after bankruptcy? Why was he sued in the first place? Was it really a misunderstanding when the judgment was against him? The plaintiff had to produce evidence in order to win the case. If the judgment was big enough to warrant such drastic measures, it must have been something severe. Are you sure you know what really happened or is he sweetening up the story to not make himself look bad? It just sounds strange. Has he gotten his life back on track after the bankruptcy and being unemployed for 4 years?
Keep your eyes open. You already saw some things that are a little strange. I can't imagine how a man in his 30's has never had a long term relationship. You may need to find out why none of these relationships last. Was he being picky or impatient with them?
He sounds like he's charming and fun. But the questions is do you respect him?
Ask more questions. You need to know more about him to decide if he's long term relationship material.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 May 2010):
Hmm...based on what you said, I would personally run for the hills. Here is why:
1. The education difference. While education doesn't make someone a better person, what it does do is give them a difference point of view. Your friends also tend to be educated. I'm guessing many of his aren't.
2. Lives with his parents. MAJOR baggage. Has he never lived on his own? He may own the house, but in truth, he has never lived on his own. You and I know that that is a MAJOR issue. He doesn't know what it is to rely on himself, and more importantly, to take care of someone else. You may think "I have an MBA and a good job", but what if you become sick? Pregnant with triplets? Does he have the strength to run a family?
3. He's in his 30's and has never dated. He's picky and doesn't want to date just anyone. Well, that sounds like an emotional withholder. That can be a serious issue into a dating/marriage relationship among other things. There is always a REASON that someone hasn't dated. Resist the allure of becoming the one to "break" his shell, because he is set in his ways now, and that includes how he deals with problems in his life.
4. The situation when he was sued. That's a huge red flag. When you live on your own, you don't have the luxury of not working. What will happen when he's with you? Will he live off of you?? Also, a lawsuit tends to be public record. I'd do some research into that, which could be public records. Bankruptcy is DEFINITELY public records, so you can check that out as well.
5. He is impatient with what? Does he has issues with his temper? Is he impatient with you? Again, living on your own requires a lot of patience and a mastery over impulsive activities.
You *are* intelligent, and your mind and intellect are red-flagging this guy big time. Don't make excuses for things that should be deal-breakers, and do your legal research on this guy. Do NOT take his word for anything.
Hope this helps!
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