A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:A group of close friends I have had have recently fallen out with me due to my decision to be with someone that they don't like. I've had an on and off relationship with a guy who I consider to be the love of my life for the last 3 months. We are currently not together but are attempting to work out our issues together as we aren't ready to give up yet. I went out with this guy years a go when I was much younger for about 9 months... he had a lot of problems as did I, however our relationship did not go well at all due to both of us having very bad anger problems. However now things have changed and we have grown up and become a lot calmer, as we have both discovered that both of us are very likely to be Schizophrenic. I have already been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder but apparently I may also be Schizophrenic, the same applies to him and he already has a mild form of autism. He has had a couple of outbursts due to how my friends and family have judged him and sometimes these outburst have been irrational, at the times where he has had these outbursts I have confided in my friends as friends do... I have tried my best not to involve them, but I have also tried to get both my friends to work past there issues with him and him to work past the issues he had with them. However if I brought up something from the past such as one of my friends had a fight with my boyfriend last year, everyone has a different story and I don't know who to believe. I have accepted they won't ever like each other. Also some of my friends try and involve themselves in everything... such as my personal life... sometimes they want to know where I am and what I am doing all the time which is really irritating. For the past 2 weeks I have been keeping my business with my boyfriend to myself... I haven't even told them I have been speaking to him and have simply kept it all between me and my boyfriend. He has been banned from my house due to previous problems when we first started going out all those years ago. My mum met up with him and me in a restaurant and actually agreed with me that he had grown up and seemed like a lovely young man and invited him in to my house for the evening... this of course made both me and him very happy. However my friends saw him coming into my house.. they had a go at me about it... I had said on that day I didn't want them in as I was tired yet they still turned up to ask to borrow something at which point my boyfriend turned up.. I've inboxed them telling them that it really is my business and no one's else's and I don't want to fall out with anyone over something like this. However I have had no reply. What are peoples opinions about this? Also these friends are all male. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): [EDIT] : "RED-FLAR!!!
Correction: "RED-FLAG!!!"
Sorry!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): You are dealing with some very serious mental-disorders. You are very young; therefore, life is full of challenges for you. Like most inexperienced young people; you can only see the small picture. You see someone you can share your illness with. You have an ally. Date whomever you wish, that's up to you.
Here comes the lecture.
Let me remind you. You aren't even 21 yet, and you've got so many hurdles ahead of you in life. You don't need anyone to hold you back. Be as resistant to the concerns of others as you please. Just remember, he hurt you once before. He is not well. He's not fully responsible for some of the harm he can do to you, or to himself. You may hurt him, as well. Only his reaction may not be as controlled as it should be. You can't judge his functional-capabilities, mental-awareness, or recovery from bipolar episodes by your own. You cannot match his symptoms with yours, nor compare his progress functioning with his illness to your own. You are individuals, with serious mental-disorders to contend with.
It's a mystery, but girls love bad-boys. When young people think they're in-love, they only see what they want to see. Life is a challenge for you, dealing with schizophrenia AND bi-polarity. Do you see why they don't trust your judgment?
Everyday is a struggle. Just keeping it together. I wager to believe, as time passes, that you won't have the capacity to deal with complications from your illness, and his too. They will conflict. That's just too much for one young lady to handle. Everyone fears you're too serious about this guy. Not just dating.
My concern is you will become emotionally-codependent on him; and suddenly it will become you and he against the world.
Your mother knows she has no choice, but to go along with you; because you are at the age now that you will do things out of blatant rebellion, or behind her back. The more she shows her disapproval; the more determined you will be to go against her wishes. I'm so sorry dear; but maybe the guy you're dating is doing better; but he isn't well. Nor are you. So forgive others who are so concerned for you.
I agree, but only to a small degree. Your friends should stay out of your business; but they should also be your support-group. He hurt you before, and you can't just bounce-back from a major emotional-setback. Emotional trauma can be significantly magnified by your mental-disorders. They're being over-protective, and he has a bad reputation that precedes him. He's known for violence!
RED-FLAR!!!
You may not be defined by your illness, but is a major part of who you are. If you want to keep things in proper perspective, there are things to remember. Don't get it in your head that you can manage his illness if something goes wrong. That's what he has doctors for. I know how young people can be, when they feel everyone is coming down on them. They turn that concern into something bad. They simply want to have their way so badly; they don't always make the best decisions. So they form an alliance of resistance. Turning everyone away, and keeping everything just between them.
If he hurts you again; it will be months of recovery for you; as I'm sure it was before. Your friends were there to witness it. I mean this as no insult; but they may see things more clearly than you do! So if they care for you so much that they would risk your turning on them; that's just how much they care.
Personally, I'm not saying anything against the young man. He may be every bit as wonderful as you think he is. The danger would be, if it's all a delusion; and he is not.
So you've got people who want to be at your back, if that should be the case. Be nice, when you ask them to back-off.
I don't know what they witnessed when you broke-up the first-time; but something tells me it was pretty bad, and it stuck with them. They also know other things he has done. So they see him in a totally different light.
Just as you have a right to like him, they have a right not to. Maybe the reason he's so nice to you now, can be attributed to the fact that you do have a strong support-system who've got your back!
You can't hide him from your friends. They will know. Your mother is accepting him; because she wants to trust you. She wants you to be happy, and she wants you to date like any other young lady. The minute he does anything to do you harm; I'll bet she will turn on him with a rage you will not want to witness. She knows just how far to go with this. You're not a little child. You can make your own decisions to a point; then your judgment comes into question due to your illness. Then she has to make some decisions for you. She may also be asking your friends to watch-out for you.
Enjoy his company as long as your parents accept him, and he behaves himself. If you alienate your friends, where will you turn when you need friends? They were with you when you first broke-up. They were there then, and they're here now. Your stubbornness and willfulness is part of your growing-up, but it can also be your undoing.
Don't keep him a secret. Be honest, and simply let them know you appreciate their concern; but let you handle your own love-life. The minute that boy starts to hurt you, just remember that they were concerned for you. Don't burn any bridges; or you'll be back here with another story of how he wasn't as great as you thought, and you have no more friends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): To be honest if your mum is happy with the relationship then that's what matters. These 'friends' don't sound like friends they sound like people waiting to get in your pants. Stop hanging out with them, hang out with your female ones! Also if he ever gets aggressive towards you tell your mum.
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