A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in contact with a myspace friend for almost 2yrs. We have talked, emailed and texted during this time. Both of us are single. I have no children as he has 4 kids living with him, he is divorced twice. 3 kids from his first wife and the youngest from his second. As he stated, the second marriage was an accident, but he doesn't regret his child, he loves him more then anything. We decided to meet, however, before we met, he did tell me he was not ready for a relationship that he liked being single. I'm not sure if he was saying that because we hadn't met, or if he was truly serious. We finally meet this past Thursday, I was on vacation and met him...he lives 200 miles away, but I was passing through from being out of town at my sisters. We had a GREAT time and even he said so. He came to my hotel, I opened the door and first words were...You are so beautiful..and then we bear hug. He wasn't exactly what I expected because his pic's were a bit old, but, because I feel as if I knew him already...I could find no flaw in him. Hopefully that made sense. He was still handsome, sweet, kind and a Godly man....but he was like that prior to me meeting him. He hardly opens up to me, but has little by little. He says that alot has to do with his past relationships...his first thought he wasn't "good" enough, second was the devil in disguise. Ok...then the next thing is, his brother passed away several yrs ago...and he still has problems dealing with him gone. He is the same age as me, almost 43. He thinks I am a wonderful woman...and yes, I would be great for him and his kids, but...he wants to be there more for his kids and focus on that. Mind you this was all said before I met him.Well, again, all went well on our "date" and I will admit...all went to well, and we did have sex. He had to be at work the next morning and still pick up his youngest so no he didn't spend the night. I was ok with that because I understood. His kids called twice while we were out, the youngest wanted to be picked up to go home, he missed his dad...and one of the others was at his mom's asking how to fix something on her car. He laughed and said see..I can go nowhere with out them calling me, this is my life, that's why I don't have one. Even though all went well...you know how us women are..we wonder...what is he really thinking, does he like me, whats going to happen or not. Was he serious about what he said or did he say that because we hadn't met? We have talked/texted after wards...but as "usual" something with one of the kids...2 are sick, one needs a shirt for graduation, the daughter needs to go to her babysitting..etc. It's like I don't know if he will ever make a time for me or am I asking to much? Am I expecting to much from him? I know it's still sudden from when we met, I do...but I don't know what men think anymore or how they react. I too have been single for almost 13 yrs...and really haven't dated that much. And the one's I have in the past have been real jerks. I can't say he is at all...just that he has a hand full. I always wanted kids, but it didn't happen or should say wasn't meant to be. So...I would like to hear from those who have dated or had past experience in maybe dealing with this type of situation. AND, he already knows that when I can, I had already planned moving to where he lives...it's closest to my family. Thanks for taking the time to read this...and all sincere help is appreciated.
View related questions:
at work, divorce, myspace, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 June 2009):
 Hmmm this is a real mixture of a problem. I am just gonna come right out and say it. Your making several errors...
1) You hardly know this man, despite internet contact, you've only met once and cannot possibly know him as a whole person.
2) You had sex on a first date!!! I know you probably had a lot of sexual build up over the time you talked to him online but having sex right off the bat???. It could make him think your easy, it smacks of desperation and you run the risk of being humped and dumped!!
3)This man has his work cut out with his kids!!! You don't say what age they are, but they are obviously still very dependant on him and in anyones book, kids should always come first. He knows it, but you, after one meeting with him, are already asking 'Will he ever make time for me??' Wake up and smell the coffee!!! You know he has demanding kids, so why are you now asking for more than this man can give you at this time? You also seem a little annoyed by the 'interference' of the kids...not good at the start of a relationship!!
4) This man lives 200 miles away from you!!! Can you really do the distance thing and expect to get closer to him when you live so far apart?? especially when he needs a lot of time to be a father??
5)Your second guessing him, trying to decipher his thoughts...seriously, men generally don't think that deeply at the start of a relationship, not unless they are seriously into you and want to enjoy the chase. This guy seems to have way too much going on and is trying to start something with you without having too many ties with you. Maybe thats why he prefers someone so far away, then he doesn't have to let things get too serious...and hey, he got lucky...you already slept with him on a first date.
I know I am being tough on you but come on!!! is this really what you want?? Sure it may be that you adore him and if you can put up with all the stuff with the distance and the kids, then give it a go...but just let things unfold and see what happens. Nothing in a relationship can be rushed or manipulated and even if you do fall madly in love with someone, it doesn't always work out if you can't iron out all of life's akward 'wrinkles'.
My advice to you would be to really really think about being with this man. His kids will and should, always come first so unless your prepared to 'get in line' it's not going to work. Making him feel divided over giving attention to you or to the kids will put him under massive strain and it's unfair. Stop trying to guess what he's thinking...you may never know. If you can get to know the kids and see yourself in a more motherly role to help him, then maybe it's a way through...but it's a commitment to the kids as well as him and if your prepared to do it then good luck to you...
Either that or find yourself a guy who's closer and doesn't have the ties.
Best of luck and apologies for the tough talk!!!
|
