A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedelizabeth
writes:So I have noticed that this is a common issue with women: I am torn between two men. For your sake, I will give you a brief intro to both men and then explain the situation.Man #1: We were officially together for a year and 2 months. We had a great relationship full of laughter and activity. We would go out frequently, cook together, go dancing... basically, we had a blast together. We have a lot in common, but also a lot not in common. The sex was good and we felt very passionate about each other. He is incredibly handsome and smart. I could see us getting married in 10 years or so.Man #2: We have been best friends for 2 years. We have EVERYTHING in common and he is so incredibly intelligent [which is really sexy to me]. We both enjoy things like literature and music; we are both musicians. He is also incredibly talented.Situation: I broke up with man #1 in late June because I felt that I needed space and some time to be independent and concentrate on my music. He understood but was very upset that I had broken up with him while we still had such a good relationship. We NEVER fought or anything, so it was very confusing to him as to why I'd break up with him so randomly. I also broke up with him because in early spring I started to feel some really intense sexual tension between man #2 and I. I felt that if i felt sexual tension with him, that I shouldn't be with man #1. I felt guilty, as if I was cheating on man #1 in my mind. So 2 weeks after I broke up with man #1, I ended up having sex with man #2. It wasn't awkward at all, because we knew we both wanted it. Also, he's my best friend, so nothing is ever awkward. We're so comfortable with each other I can fart around him and he won't care!! lol. Anyway, things progressed over the summer and he fell in love with me. He told me he was in love with me at the end of the summer, which is the same time that man #1 and I started hanging out again. I really missed our friendship, so I contacted him and asked if we could just hang out as friends, if that would be okay. He said we could do that so we started hanging out once in a while. In the meantime, I'm still having AMAZING sex with my best friend, whom I wasn't in love with. Well, of course, my great friendship with my ex stirred up old emotions, and I realized that I was still in love with him. Main issue: Basically, I'm in love with my ex but the sex isn't good. The sex is amazing with my best friend, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I can see a future with both, since they're both my closest friends. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE? They both know about each other, and like each other, but they want me to choose, which is understandable. I've been struggling to decide who I want to be with for the past 3 months and everyone's sick of it. HOW DO I DECIDE?????? They are both so very important to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): i think you all are right... but it's just so difficult. like last night, man #1 came over and we stayed up late baking cookies and drinking tea. yes, i could do this with man #2, but its not the same. i just feel like we still have a very special bond that i'm not willing to break yet. i think maybe my doubts and confusion is what is making the sex bad for me. i'm going to try and make things better with man #1 and in the meantime just stay friends with man #2. if things don't progress i know that the fire is out and i will give man #2 a REAL chance. thank you all for your replies!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Be careful here, you may need to understand yourself a lot more than you do.
Maybe you are being selfish, and you are not ready for a LTR, and I don't mean that in a nasty way although it may sound like that when you read this.
Think about what you are doing, and think about what and how you want to be treated in the future.
You have both guys who want you, both are nice guys, and you are sort of swinging back and forth, testing the waters with both. What happens if #3 shows up and has charm, sincerity, and whatever? Do you swing to #3?
What I see you saying is that you haven't really committed yourself to developing a LTR, which takes work, not just compatibility, and takes a lot more than sex. It takes a lot of work and patience, and "development" of the relationship. Think of it like a neighborhood that is being built, you just don't set a house down, you have to have streets, water, sewer, electrical, etc, etc. Long Term Relationships are like that, they require "development".
Back to guy #3 (not there yet), you may find that you can't develop a LTR well, or that guys can't develop that with you, because you are always weighing them against guy #4, #5, #6, #7, etc.
I've had a number of guy friends who were like this, and 25 years later they are alone...divorced...never married...etc...in fact, you sound a lot like my longest term male friend, who is alone after lots of very attractive, very nice, decent, loving women tried to "settle him down". They all left in the end, because there was always something that wasn't "just right". Well, there is always something that isn't "just right".
But the girls they treated this way have families and children and at least in some instances have husbands who live and breathe for them, and I do mean "live and breathe" for them, passionate and intense friendships that last and last.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Dynamite sex with number 2 or Being in love with number 1?
You do have a tough decision. One thing I'll point is that it's purely sexual with number 2, you shouldn't have jumped the gun and got in the sack with him. If you wanted a relationship, then I would have did the proper dating, wooing process and held off on sex for a bit just to make sure the connection and chemistry is there. But hey, no one's perfect. Could you grow to love him within time? Maybe..only in time will you know. You're in love with 1 and the sex is good, so is husband material what you're looking for? A lot could change in 10 years and you could be with neither of them by that time. I say go with the flow and go for #2 just because that's the one I can tell you want him the most because of the astounding sex. And at your age that's important. I do hope you fall in love with him but if not, maybe guy 1 will still be around to answer your call or you will move on entirely to someone else.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 This is really simple. You broke it off with man #1 because there was something not right (ie sex) but you love him. Now your with man #2 because the sex is good (but you don't love him ... yet).
Can you see how both men are filling different voids and now that has confused you?
I reckon if you go for man number #2 and let the love develop a little more he deserves the chance. Plus we all know that the one you spend the rest of your life with IS your best friend. However if you broke it off with man #1 just to have a little sexual fun with man number #2 then all three of you are going to get hurt and you'll probably lose all of them.
I think you should stay with man #2. It takes time for love to develop and each and every person you love will not feel or be the same as some would expect.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I'm not sure WTF you think "being in love with" is, from what you have described.
You have everything in common with your best friend, whom you are also having GREAT sex with, but your in love with someone else? You are sure confused.
Having great sex with your BFF IS *Being In Love*. That's what most people are looking for in a good relationship!!!
I think perhaps the only thing that you prefer about the first guy is that he is better looking than your BFF; and also he's more focused on pleasing you by entertaining you or lavishing money on you - so he may be better off financially - but that doesn't necessarily make him the right choice!
It sound to me like you prefer the second guy. Good Luck. I'm sure a lot of girl out here envy your luck even though you have a tough decision ahead of you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You better decide fast ... you'll end up hurting both of them.
Its ok to be confused...but think about this..how would man #1 have felt when came to know you slept with your best friend one week into the break up?
Look, everyone gets attracted to someone else down the lane...but you have to remember you have some one waiting for you...don't hurt him.
Just sex should not be a criteria for a relationship. If you love the 1st guy don't treat him like this - do you think he deserves this? No :)
If you don't love the 2nd guy - then why are you considering him? Just for sex? That's pretty sad.....don't do this to yourself.
Make the right choice. Soon.
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