A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago (he said he couldnt commit to a relationship right now what with ridiculous work hours and other commitments) which was understandable- the break up happened after we had an argument about these issues the night before.i was still devastated, this guy was my first proper boyfriend, i devoted myself to him, did everything in my power to make him happy and lost my virginity to him. i hadn't expected to break up over the argument, i thought we'd work through it. he was desperate to stay friends, so i tried, for 2 weeks, which failed miserably when we fell out again because i wanted him to change his mind and said i was willing to work on the relationship to make it work, but he was adament that in the same circumstances it wouldnt work. the argument ended on bad terms. i was literally in despair, couldnt handle the thought of not being together and not sharing all our private jokes again and i was literally breaking down at the thought of all the little things about him that i love, so i deleted his facebook and number in an attempt to forget. not being immature, just because there was no way i'd ever get over him with him posting a freaking facebook status every 5 minutes and seeing new photos of him all the time (i did tell him this). though one of my friends has said that since i deleted him, he's barely posted anything.a week and a half later, he texted me saying sorry he hadnt contacted me sooner and that he wanted to wait until the arguments had blown over, then said he hoped i was doing ok. I didn't reply (i was/am still quite upset about the whole breakup and tbh i dont see how we WOULDNT have ended up arguing about everything again- it was only 10 days later. i kinda think he missed me and wanted an excuse to talk)that weekend, i went to a club, got VERY drunk, ended up bumping into one of my ex's good friends (who is also a mutual friend of ours since i spent a lot of time with this guy with my ex when we were together). he asked me what had happened between us to make us break up, because he hadnt seen much of my ex lately... i, being really drunk, got RIDICULOUSLY upset about it in front of him and my best friend (i dont remember much of the night, i just know it involved me crying a LOT).my best friend and the guy, wanting to look after me, decided for some reason we should all go back to my best friend's house together after the club. so i slept in my best friends bed (a girl) with her, and the guy who is also good friends with my ex slept in the spare room. that is all that happened.yesterday, i finally texted my ex back, basically just saying that i miss him and hope he's ok but i wasnt ready to be speaking to him yet (because i cant deal with the pain of being just friends with him). he hasnt yet responded.today, i met up with the mutual friend and his girlfriend to play bingo (it was the guys idea because after the weekend he decided i needed some major cheering up) and he said that my ex had fallen out with him because of how he stayed at my best friends house with me!!!why would my ex be mad at him for that? it's not like it was MY house, we slept in completely different rooms and its not like it was just the 2 of us either. the guy thinks it's because my ex knows that he doesn't agree with how my ex has broken up with me.my best friend thinks he;s just jealous because i didnt want to be friends with him, and i was now hanging out with his friend. but in my opinion, he's made his bed. he has hurt me more than i have ever been hurt before and he can't dictate who i'm friends with.i don't want to over-analyse things but if anyone could give me any insight into my ex's behaviour regarding his text and being annoyed at his friend i'd appreciate it :)also what would he be thinking on hearing i got ridiculously upset (presuming our mutual friend told him) ? would that just make him run a mile and be glad he broke up with a girl who got into such a state?nice answers only please, i already feel like i made enough of a fool of myself without comments saying how stupid i am :(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 I actually think you have been pretty smart in refusing to stay friends at least for the time being. It's pointless , and impossible, to stay friends with someone you are still in love with, it's an unnecessary torture and will prevent you from moving on if you decide you have to.
I also think that he did not break up because of an argument, or because he is too busy for dating. Generally that's BS, it's an excuse that sounds valid and respectable, but in fact is denied by reality every day. People always MAKE time for what they value enough, when there's a will there's a way. There's people who work 80 or 90 hours a week , and they still manage to date and get married. People can make it work , if they want, they just have to agree that they'll chose quality over quantity, they'll make the best of that little time together they have, so if all they can have together is, say, 3 hours a month, that 3 hours will be cherished and appreciated even more and they'll carry them through until better times come.
Basically, he just wasn't that much into you. He liked you, but not enough to be in a steady relationship.
This to me explains also why he was desperate to stay friends. You are a good option. I don't accuse him of cynically sitting there thinking " I am going to turn this into FWB " : It does not have to be a coldly calculated plan. But... he obviously likes you... just ,he does not want you around all the time... and he has already given you his little speech about being overcommitted for a relationship blablah so yu know.... I bet he feels that if he can make you stick around, who knows, .... things may happen...but on HIS terms and conditions. This, and obviously being territorial and ego -referred, which explains why he got pissed about you being chummy with his friend. What!, he says, you are still "his" , you belong to his turf, he has not totally discarded you... and wheren't you supposed to be desperate for having being left by him ? So how come you are getting closer to other males. That's what he thinks, and it's a pinprick to his ego.
Of course I can't be 100% sure it is like that, but even if I were wrong, what you should do , IMO, does not change, which his, focus on yourself, not him, and stay no contact. You've got friends, you don't need to be friend with him too- and anyway friends and lovers are two different things that respond to different needs and dynamics, theer's really no point in mixing them up.
IF he sees he has made a mistake and really misses you , it's up to him to realize it, admit it honestly, and come to you hat in hand asking you to start over again.
If he can just sort of keep you in his sphere of influence, without having to make any changes, any conscious decision to be with you, .. you are letting him have his cake and eat it too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno one?
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