A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In the past 3 or 4 weeks since my ex and I broke up, I have become addicted to sites like this offering me advice as to what I need to do to get back with my girlfriend. The advice I have read has been very useful but I also know that my particular situation may require more thoughts that what I've read so far. To be honest, I've read so many sites telling me what I should and shouldn't do that I am a little bit confused. Anyway, here's a brief summary of my current situation. I had been with my now ex-girlfriend for 19 months. I am 25. She is 19. We had our ups and downs like every couple does but we were so close and happy together. We even spoke hypothetically about things we were going to do years from now. Last September (2006), I started at university about 90 minutes away. This meant that we only got to see each other at weekends. This wasn't a problem. We made it work because we wanted to. I made sacrifices to university life so I could make her happy. In April this year, she went travelling for 5 weeks. Again, we made things work, because we wanted to. When I finished my first year of university in the summer, we were really happy. The reason being that she was due to start university in the same city as me in September (meaning that we'd get to see each other a lot more than the previous year). We thought after surviving a tough year like we had, we could survive anything. So, in September this year, she moved down to the same city as me. She's at a different university but we were closer than we were last year. I was naive to expect things to be EXACTLY how they were in the summer because this was a new experience for her. First time away from home, first time living in a big city, meeting new people, starting a degree, etc. I wasn't prepared for that I guess and in the first month of her moving down, we started to have little arguments (by TEXT - this is important). She became busy with uni, her new friends and looking back, I can understand that she wanted to have fun and not have to worry about seeing me. However, at the time, after spending every day together over the summer and being very close and comfortable with each other, I began to get insecure and paranoid. I kept asking myself "why doesn't she want to see me anymore?" , "is there someone else?" , "does she not love me anymore?", "what have I done wrong?" , etc... Obviously, this turned me into a different person. This lead to more text arguments. I wasn't a fun person to be around. I must've felt like such a burden to her. On one side, there's this new life with all these fun people and on the other, there's me, insecure, paranoid and argumentative. I think you guys can guess what's coming... anyway, after a while, she became distant. She wouldn't reply to texts and she was never really making plans to see me. So after a while, I asked her what was wrong (by text) and eventually she told me that she wanted to take a break (by text). She told me that my paranoia and insecurity had just gotten too much. She said that she didn't want to break up completely because she loves me and didn't want to regret making "the worst decision of her life". She just wanted space to figure things out in her head. To me, at the time, I was worried and did all the things I know I shouldn't have done, argued, pleaded, promised things would be different, said everything I possibly could to try and "persuade" her. I should've listened to her and respected her decision.I called her that night and we spoke for about an hour. She was in tears during the entire phone call. She was saying that she loved me and it was just the circumstances. I told her that I would do anything to make things right. I told her things could be good again. She seemed very strong in her decision and said "what if this happens again in six months or another year, it'll be worse then?" It felt a bit like she was scared to let her guard down and work things out and found it easier to run away. At the end of the phone call, I agreed to the break. I sent her a text shortly afterwards saying it was nice to talk to her and that I am sorry for everything. I end it with "I love you". She replied saying "thanks for not hating me. I love you too." A week or so into the break, I had a sudden wake up call. I thought to myself: "GOD! What the hell have I been doing? I should be happy for her enjoying her new life, I've been with her for so long, I shouldn't be worried about where I stand, I should know. I have my own life to live as well, why have I been so stupid? I've pushed her away for such stupid reasons."She came to my house a week into the break because I agreed ages before that I would be interviewed for part of her university work. When she came round, it was tense, we were both really nervous and trying to avoid eye contact. All I wanted to do was hug her and scream out how sorry I was. But I resisted. Before she left, I told her calmly and quietly that I understood her reasons for wanting a break and that I had realised a lot of things about myself and I apologised for my actions. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. I walked her to the station, we kissed and hugged goodbye and that was the last time I saw her. A few days later, I found myself with nothing to do. So, I sent her another text asking her how she was feeling about the situation. She didn't respond. In a panic, I sent her another text a few hours later asking her to please contact me. No response. An hour or so later, I decide to call her. No response. She eventually calls me back and says that she was in the kitchen and left her phone in her room... anyway, much like the conversation we had a few weeks before, she was saying that she wasn't the sort of person that needs to be with someone and that she likes things how they are. Again, I said all I could possibly say but in the end I kind of accepted that if she doesn't want to be me then there's nothing more to say. I reluctantly accepted her decision.At this point, I told her that we couldn't speak again. She didn't want this. In fact, she begged me to still be there for her. I told her it would be too hard for me. But, seeing as we aren't going to see each other, I thought a few texts here and there wouldn't hurt. So, we started texting each other (usually me contacting her - oops) and we never spoke about "us" it was just the typical "How are you? How was your day?" type stuff. Just by typing this, I can see SO MANY mistakes that I've made already. Don't get me wrong, I am not MISERABLE and sitting around waiting for her to come back. I am being pro-active. I am being positive. I am focusing on my own life. I don't need her to make myself happy, I've realised that now, but I love her so much and really believe that had the mobile phone never been invented, things wouldn't have gotten out of hand so quickly. It's easier to argue over text. We used to argue about really pointless things when we were having a long distance relationship last year (nothing major) but whenever I went home or she came down to see me, EVERYTHING became clear. I wouldn't have said any of the things I said in text arguments to her face. On Monday, I went to see a gig that she and I were supposed to go to. I sent her a picture from the gig via text and she responded with "Sorry I'm not there."On Tuesday, I responded to her text saying that the gig was great and wished her well. She replied straight away saying she was ill. This made me feel horrible. It made me think to myself, if I was still with her, I could go and look after her. But I'm not important to her to go and do that now. We still have limited contact here and there but it's very very false. In the sense that if she asks me how I am I tell her I'm good and really enjoying uni. Which is true, but I don't tell her I miss her and think about her every day. Because that will push her away. She seems to be doing the same. I KNOW her and she is one of those people that doesn't express how they are really feeling. She says she is good but I can just sense that she's hiding how she really feels. Do you guys think that she misses me too? Do you think that she's maybe hurting too? Or is she just being distant to try and get rid of me politely?I really can't put into words how complete she makes me feel. I really find it hard to believe that we were so close a few months ago and now she doesn't want to be with me. I miss the little things - the pet names we gave one another, I miss watching her sleep on me, I miss all the random things she used to say that made me smile so much. I know now that I have to be back off and give her time to miss me. I'm using the time apart to better myself. I'm a musician and this time apart has given me more time to go into the studio and record. I've realised that I have more freedom now and it makes me realise how smothered I made my ex. I honestly believe in my heart that we can work things out. I just need to see her face to face. Things ended so suddenly because of stupid arguments and me being paranoid. I've started doing hypnotherapy for my self confidence. I've realised that I don't need her to make me happy. I need to be happy in myself. I am working on that. Not to try and "win her back" but for me. She can't have just switched her feelings off can she? We agreed a week or so ago to catch up sometime. I know that when I do see her, I have to play it cool and not bring up the past. The past can't be changed, but the future can. By the looks of it, I will no doubt see her over the Christmas period. We live in a reasonably small town and either I will bump into her there or we will make plans to meet up. I want to be prepared. I want to have my head sorted out. I want to show her that I have changed and that things can work. I have read so much advice lately that I am really confused as to what to do next. I will appreciate any advice you guys can give me. Thanks for reading!
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a break, broke up, christmas, confidence, ex girlfriend, I love you, insecure, long distance, my ex, period, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): Thanks for all your advice guys. The fact is, I have NO idea what she is thinking anymore and I can't wait around for her to make her mind up. I'm sad that she can just push me to one side the way she has done but maybe one day she'll realise. Without wanting to sound arrogant, I can get girls if I want them. I just want her back so much. But it's pretty clear that she has little or no feelings for me now.
A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (30 November 2007):
 Believe me I read your whole post. And I feel for you. I do understand you and your 'crazy love'. I wish this love will end up with marriage.Since you anaylze everything so clearly and pin point your mistakes correctly, there is little i can add or comment. You suffocate her with your long calls and texts. (I did all those mistakes too). Your extreme love and interest make her life a hell. A bitter sweet hell.i dont think you need or seek advice. this post is just another expression of your outpouring love. Why dont you practice what you preach man...Throw away the cell phone, do away with text messages. Let her miss you. Let her come to you. Do your things in your life. be sucessful, strong, determined man. Women likes to miss, love and be with men like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): Its time to be honest with yourself and learn to accept that life is an adventure of ups and downs.Right now you feel as though you want her back because you feel empty and alone and you associate the relationship with your identity. Without it you feel as though you have lost a lot of your worth and life has lost a lot of meaning. This is natural BUT it is irrational thinking.The fact is that before you broke up, things had stagnated and it was NOT the amazing relationship you retrospectively imagine. You began by saying you spoke hypothetically about your future. EVERYBODY in a relationship does that. What has happened is that you are sensitive and invested too much emotionally in the belief that you were going to live happily ever after.Over the summer you obviously became reliant on her for company, love and attention which you then said made you 'paranoid'. Did you start to think she was seeing someone else?It is suspicious that you became 'paranoid' and then she became distant. I think your paranoia was probably justified ESPECIALLY as she later decided that she wanted 'a break'.'break' means that she thought you weren't worth the time and effort but she wanted to keep you on tap. Then she had the cheek to blame everything on YOU. It was absolutely shocking that she did that! BUT THEN YOU "pleaded with her and accepted the blame for the problems"- WHY? You gave her all the power when you did this and this is when you started slipping in to the denial mentality and volunteered yourself as a doormat. Then you said "I've been with her for so long, I shouldn't be worried about where I stand, I should know." Once again you are not facing the facts. You DIDN'T know where you stood because deep down you felt something wasn't right! She called it paranoia but it wasn't. It was your instincts warning you that something was wrong.You said you completed each other but then say that you were suprised at the way she acted once she got to uni - she effectively ditched you. This just highlights the fact that she didn't feel as strongly about you as you do about her. Personally I think its likely that another person came on the scene for her at this stage. Just because she cried on the phone doesn't mean she isn't seeing someone else behind your back. No matter how much you think you know someone you don't. Infact it was probably very easy to manipulate you at this stage because you were vulnerable and desperate.And why didn't she invite you out with her new friends when she got to uni? Was she trying to hide something? I think she was unless you just couldn't be bothered to go with her? In which case you weren't bothered about the relationship at the time.You then asked,”She can't have just switched her feelings off can she?” She has switched them off that is why she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You need to regain your dignity. Making excuses for her and playing the martyr isn't the answer. You need to face up to the fact that this relationship is dead. Your dream girl is out there but it isn't this one. If you get back together it will only be a matter of time before the excitement fades and you have another emotional breakdown. Take a step back and realise that you have grown apart and there is nothing wrong with that.Its time for you to open yourself up to the feelings of loneliness and rejection that you have been running away from. Only then will you be free from the mental burden of it all. You need to work on your self esteem big time and that starts by letting go of this girl. You need to stop all contact with her. Cancel this meetup because it is just prolonging the pain. Then don't contact her atall and don't reply to her. Given time, you will realise that you don't need her to feel fulfilled. Don't spend your life pretending everything is ok if it isn't. The only way to find true happiness is to accept when something is over. You need to learn how to stand on your own two feet. It's time to cut her out completely and take your life back! Believe in yourself. You deserve more than the crumbs on offer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): why not ring her once or twice a week, and drop the text. Other than that just do what comes naturally. ANALYSE THAT :-)
good luck
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (30 November 2007):
 Hello, first of all, you are correct, text should never have been invented, and for that reason, I want you to make something a part of your life. Never text anyone unless the words you use are, i miss you, or I love you. never more than 3 words and never negative.
Never respond to a negative text.
Onl;y have convos with this gorl in person or on the phone.
You want to build bridges with her, start by asking her if she wants to go for a meal with you this weekend, take her out to a relaxed restaurant if she agrees, and be FRIENDS.
Women will choose friends over needy jelous boyfriends all the time, so be her friend.
if she doesnt want to go, or is too busy, tell her its ok, so how are you? hows your studys? what sort of things have you been learning, ask her all about all the mundane stuff, ask her if she has any new friends and so on. take interest in her and be her FRIEND.
that will make xmas easier to deal with for a start, but she may also get the chance to rediscover you.
Maybe if you can be friends, and hang out together, if you get to know her friends and her yours, then maybe just maybe, things may start to get better between you.
Stop being a strop, srop punishing her for wanting to sort her head out, stop being mean to her for having her own life. Stop trying to own and control her, and then you will be friends, once your friends, who knows where it could lead in a few months.
Just dont bring up the past and dont text her, unless it is to say 'i miss you'.
Good luck to you, support her, and be her friend, and Im sure things should turn around pretty fast.
issy xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): Wow, that's a long post. I think you'll be more likely to get advice if you post again and keep it under three paragraphs. Sorry, but I'm not sure how many Aunts are going to have the time to read your entire post as it now stands.
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