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writes: hi every one!I really need some help.I'm 14 and everything in my life seems to be going wrong and I'm scared if I get anything else to worry about or any more pressure I might do something stupid.Well let's start, my parents are splitting up and it's sooo awkward at home. No one's talking to any one and I'm finding it sooo difficult, I'm forever having emotional breakdowns and I've done all the normal things like, speak to my mum and dad, talk to another close family member, talk to someone at school but none of these help me deal with my emotions and none of them tell me any techniques I could use.Ok next thing I have sat exams this year and all the stuff with my parents is getting me down at school as well so my grades may slip.Well the main problem is:Yesterday the boy I loved told me that he wanted to move on and start again with a different girl. I cried and cried. He is everything I've ever wanted and the perfect boy. I had been with him just over a year and we had had such a great time I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. And before you say anything I'm not too young to know what love is but he told me he loved this other girl and he said he did still have feelings for me but he just wanted to move on because we were always arguing and he thought our relationship was dragging on. He said he bought his new girl friend an eternity ring and he said he was really sorry and he cried a bit but nowhere near as much as me. So... What do I do? Please give me some advice on how to handle all these feelings and pressure please.xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): You know, this is really strange, because when I was your age, the exact same thing happened to me. My parents were splitting up, I had my sats exams, and my boyfriend of 13 months was splitting up with me. It's unbelievable.
About your parents... It's a really hard time, I know it is. I sat and cried for ages, but really, you get used to it. My dad and mum used to argue all the time, and I found once they were apart from each other, I could live in peace more. It sounds strange, but in the long run, you'll feel happier that they were happy apart, and not unhappy together. You want the best for them right? So try and think of it that way honey. It's awful when you're all not talking isnt it, but so many families are in worse situations. You'll still get to see your parents just as much, and this doesn't mean they don't love you. I'm sure they both love you so so much, and would hate to know that you were feeling so stressed and worried. It's not easy to talk to them (or at least, it wasn't for me) so I can understand your problem, but the pain from them splitting up will soon stop, I promise you. It won't always be like this.
All you can do about your marks honey is do the best you can. When you go into mock exams, or the real thing, try and forget everything outside the world. Show them you're a smart girl, and that you CAN get good grades. They'll be so proud of you when you do, and you might even get rewarded.
You know, what I found when my boyfriend broke up with me, was that it made me learn so much. I can't explain how much I learnt from him, I became so much more mature, and could handle future relationships so much better. Once you've been through the pain and the agony, if you're forced through it again then it doesn't hurt as bad. You learn how to handle your emmotions better, and think, well that was my learning stage. Now it's time for me to grow and move on. I promise you that in the future, you'll look back and remember your feelings, and learn. Whether it's about handling argments, learning how to stop them before they get worse, or just knowing that you've dealt with those emmotions before, so you could survive doing it again.
I know its hard honey, I know it is. So many times I've just cried and cried through the night and not wanted to live any more, but I swear to you, it's worth it. Every single ounce of pain you feel, and every tear you cry, it's a hard stage in life, but it passes. It really does. And from time to time, things happen and you feel low again, but this is just different stages of life. At your age hormones are raging around your body, everything's changing - your feelings, how you look, your family, your responsibilities. Just think, this is the start of your life. The beginning of being able to date boys and go out by yourself more and start working up to your GCSEs. You're thinking about your future career.. the world is your oyster! So keep thinking positive, and if you ever need me, or start feeling low, I'm here. Honestly, just mail me and I'll reply usually within a day. Good luck :]
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reader, Namatjira  +, writes (22 February 2008):
Hi there,
You really do have a lot to deal with at once. I will try to give you some help but one of the most important things to remember is that if you can talk about your feelings and problems with someone then it somehow can become easier to deal with. By you using this forum and writing your questions, it is helping your mind to deal with some of this stuff.
First about your parents, it is not your fault. Unfortunately these things happen and there is probably not very much you are able to do about it. Your best approach is to tell each of your parents that you love both of them, that you do not want to take sides or be caught in the middle. You also need to identify a safe place, a haven if you like which can be an actual place or just a special tune or book or even a picture. It is somewhere that you can take your mind when the situation at home is getting a bit much. Only you can decide but it should be somewhere that gives you feelings of peace and that you find is calming.
The boy, well I know that you have strong feelings for him and feel heartbroken over that right now as well. Take a deep breath. The pain will fade. It is also good to try and remember both the good times you had together and the not so good when you argued or disagreed. Keep those memories in balance and realistic. Find something that works for you as a distraction. Do be aware that there are no quick answers but trust me the pain will fade.
Exams, accept that your marks may not be as good as you would like and then just do the best you can. The funny thing about education is that if you are determined enough there is always the possibility of a second chance as well as some hidden gem of truth we can learn that otherwise might have been missed. For example - in trying to cope with everything that is going on now and also your schoolwork may teach you some skills that will help you in the future. Just keep on trying.
With all of these it really is important for you to find something, a person to talk or write to, a song, a place where you can walk, a picture that you can imagine, something that will be where you can go in your mind to let off the pressure. I would also encourage you to go to bed earlier than you might usually - sleep before midnight has been shown to help. Take up physical exercise even if it is running, or walking. By burning calories through exercise you are actually giving your body a chance to help your mind and emotions.
Life will get better. Just make sure that you get up each time you fall down and you will always win.
All the best.
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