| A
male
,
*i494
writes: I'm 20 years old and recently got dumped by my girlfriend after 3 years. I was pretty cut up but got over it after about a week. I thought she was the only one for me and that I wouldn't find anyone else. However, 1 month later I met a another girl. She's my mate's ex-girlfriend's sister. She is very beautiful and one of the nicest girls I have ever met. I have stronger feelings for her than I ever had for my Ex. The only problem is, is that she's 16 with a very over protective mother. At first her mother refused her to see me. It took about a month for her to be allowed to come over my house ( With my parents in ). I've been seeing her for about 4 months and we really like each other. She's not allowed a boyfriend untill she's 18 ( Which is absurd ) so her mum thinks we are just friends. This means we can't see each other a lot so not to arouse her mum's suspicions. I see her once during the week and she comes round every Sunday. But she has just started a job and they want her to work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. But it's also hard for me to see her during the week because of the massive amounts of college work she has. I like her so much that I miss her every day and feel sick, and can't get her out of my head. Because she's just taken this new job, so I'll never see her, I don't know if I should finish it. It will be the hardest thing I've ever done. If she got a new boyfriend I don't know if I could handle it. I'm friends with her sister and probably won't be able to continue seeing her if I split with my gf as I couldn't bear be reminded of her. Another problem is that she still goes round her Ex boyfriends house. She doesn't want him back and I 100% trust her. She doesn't even really like him but he has problems with his parents and she's so nice she feels sorry for him and can't say no to him when he asks her to go round. He wants her back but she can't see that. She only goes round there once a month but he had a massive go at her when she told him she would be working over the weekend ( Proving that he doesn't just see her as a friend like she thinks )So now, to see her, I have to compete with her college work, mum, ex boyfriend and weekend work. But I can't imagine my life without her. I'm being moody with everyone and feel sick thinking that I won't see her again. I don't want anyone else to have her. She's one in a million, so unlike other girls. Am I beating my head against a brick wall? Should I leave it? I'm just so scared I'm not going to find anyone like her again.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, her ex, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Si494 +, writes (7 November 2005):
In reply to the annonymous replier ( first reply ). I am from the UK where 16 is legally an adult. You can legally marry and have sex. A couple of my friends my age are going out with sixteen year olds and they are very respecrtable people who no know one judges. Looking now this is an American site where obviously the legal age is 18? But thank you very much for your replies, I really value them ( Apart from the one at the bottom )
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 November 2005):
 I think it's worth pointing out that you started your letter saying that you were totally cut up about breaking up with your ex, because you thought you never thought you'd "find anyone else", then - a MONTH later! - you fell in love with someone else. At the end of your same letter, you claim that you fear that you'll never "find anyone" like your 16-year-old ever again.
Coincidence? I think you need to have a good long think about how you perceive the importance of romance in your life.
I think you probably have a habit of falling totally head over heels for every girl that you're attracted to, and that maybe you need to pull back a bit and analyse what you're doing. Are you setting yourself up for heartache every time by assuming that dating someone means you're destined to be together forever? Do you "gain" something when you obsess about the women (in this case, girl) in your life? Does it make you feel more like a martyr to dream about the unattainable?
I ask because this girl *is* unattainable to you right now. You really need to back off and give her space until she's finished with her education and has moved out on her own. She's too young, she's too protected by her family and her social and school life is just too full for a boyfriend.
Anything that you would get from her right now would be her "leftover time" and would probably prove to be unsatisfying to both of you. On top of that, you'll be distracting her from arguably the most important study time in her life. The next 2-4 years are the ones that are going to make or break her professionally, and the fewer competing distractions in her life right now, the better.
A girl that age (and I speak from experience, as I had a 24-year-old bf at 16), is so delighted by the attentions of an older man that she'd happily swim through a shark-infested lagoon to be with the object of her affection. But if you really, truly care about this girl, you won't get involved and become that object right now. You'll affect her ability to study and you'll get her folks offside if you do. You may also end up half-responsible for a teenage pregnancy, since 16-year-old girls are notoriously ill-prepared for sexual relationships. (Don't kid yourself that you're willing to sit and hold hands until she's 18.)
Stay in touch, be friendly, but date someone else. You will find someone else, believe me. Think about it; it didn't take you much time to find this one, did it? There's a whole world of women out there, and most of them are of legal age and not subject to the rules of their mums!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): if she really likes you she will make time for you, tell her mom to go to hell, and quit seeing her ex- boyfriend if it makes you uncomfortable. and do you really love her or is it just lust and infatuation.? are you sure that you are over your ex-girlfriend? take time and figure these questions out.
...............................
A
female
reader, 360sense +, writes (6 November 2005):
Hello! Shes 16 if you love her sooooo much let her enjoy her youth maybe she visits her ex because thats what 16 year olds do. They they change theyre minds their brains aren't fully developed (niether is yours) no offense. If she loves you she'll wait 2 years and if you love her so will you. It's 24 months. Her parents may notice you backing off and if you make it 24 months they'll love you!
...............................
A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (6 November 2005):
 Dear Si 494, I totally empathize with your situation as I once was 20 and trust me your whole life is going to go around in circles if you consume yourself with this petty stuff. I have had so many relationships that I actually lost count. A handfull were good and the majority were bad, I started to wonder if it was me that was the problem. Whenever I get that feeling of "trapped" I just wanted to run because I did not understand what my body and emotions were running on or from. Trust me when I say you probably have knots in the pit of your stomach. Telling you to break it off would be ludicris because your heart won't listen. So let's try this approach. Go do things to better yourself and be the best you can be and adopt the attitude that if she get's rid of you then it's her loss and NOT yours. However; do not have this attitude with her, be extremely compassionate towards her. From my point of view and other readers, here is a beautiful girl who takes time out of HER life to spend time with you. You could adopt the philosophy that YOU take time out of your busy schedule to spend some time with your best friend. Narrowing this down to each of you giving to the other is what love is about. Not who's doing what and when. My fiancee' drives me crazy about doing her independent things that I don't want to do but once I do them or she is done with them she makes a little time for me. So, I look at it like this, IS LIFE BETTER WITH HER OR WITHOUT HER? The answer is simple, she had a life without me and if I died tommorow she would be very upset but, her life would GO ON. You need to kick back and relax, letting this thing grow into whatever it will become. My fiancee' asked me once if I was jealous, I responded with sure to a degree, however I cannot stop her from cheating, working, socializing, or just being a girl (woman now). However if you per say, weightlifted, read books, went to college, joined the military, or just bettered yourself then if she does leave the next woman/girl WILL be more impressed with you. Since being involved with my fiancee I have lost 33 pounds in 3 months, and am going to continue that course. I have helped her with her homework for college, cooked, cleaned, shopped, played sports, and practiced my songwriting and musicianship abilities. WHY? because if she dumps me, SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME! If this feeling continues for another month where you can't handle it then remove yourself from the situation. Explain that your inner feelings are out of control and your miserable without her and you need to just be clear headed for awhile. Then go be alone and find peace again. If later you two decide to pursue the relationship then great, but, going through those thoughts everyday is not healthy for you and eventually you will push her away, anyway. Your age plays an important role in your feelings you need to get a grip on yourself and be happy with yourself.
On one final note and this goes for everyone not just you. I personally tell the woman I am with, I and her will not have contact with X's. This keeps me and her honest and betters our relationship. If the X was so nice then why are they X's. Anything that needed to be said should have been said along time ago. I know that I have gone over to my X's house when I was much younger and it led to sex and the wanting to get back together, if nothing else it leads to temptation for another. I do not have any contact with any of my X's because I feel as though it is deception towards my future wife. She does not need to feel nor worry about my silly ass because I want her focus on me when we do spend quality time together. I don't need to play catchup with what did he say or do and why did you go or call him. So for what it's worth she will either love you and respect that or you WILL worry about it as long as it continues. Good luck with her and remember on earth their are more women than men so don't be so foolish as to run into this like theirs no tommorow. Don't forget your the one on the rebound. You said one week to get over the last one. If you really love someone it takes a long, long time to get over them.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): Buster, you have absolutely no business getting involved with a 16 year old girl. What could you possibly have in common? She is too young to know much of anything, other than be overwhelmed that an older man is paying attention to her! Stop IT. Leave her alone. Find someone your own age, and start asking yourself what is wrong with you that you would be even considering having any kind of relationship with so young a girl. If you need counseling, get it. Where I come from, her older brothers would be visiting some night, and you would be lucky if you only made a trip to the hospital after their warning. I know of one man who didn't get the message and lost one testicle to a set of pliers by the time they finished with him. He never disclosed who had done that to him, but he wasn't sniffing around someone's kid sister any more, either.
...............................
|
