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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. I am in a long term relationship with a guy and we currently live together. I've been having some personal issues that have made me sad, but I try to keep it to myself and don't bother him with my issues. He wants me to be more open with him because I do not confide in him with my problems.I was feeling pretty sad today and wanted to discuss it with him. I really needed a shoulder to cry on. I moved far away from friends and family for him so I have no one else.(school is on summer break) He knew I got sad and asked what was wrong . I was starting to tell him when he got upset and said that I was always sad and always dragged him down and left to go to sleep. I stood there stunned. Even when I am sad I seldom bring it up with him. I just really need someone but I don't have anyone and can't go back home. I'm so hurt that he said that to me when I was coming to him which is very rare in me. I've decided to not bother him and just try to cope by myself. Why would he say this to me,????? How can I cope with this loneliness ???I don't have a car, so I can't get out either. How can I be okay with this? I wish I could have someone to confide in. .. But I think it's impossible for me to meet people since I can't leave the house. Anyone know of websites where I can meet maybe online friends??I just want to be able to cope with this. ... Obviously My boyfriend doesn't want to deal with my weakness. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): Hi, I understand it is my fault.I am not blaming it on him, and I know he does not have to put up with me. That is why I am asking advice on how to cope on my own.I've never come up with my problems to him, if anything he tries to get me to tell him the nuances of my day to day.I cannot go home due to money $$$ issues. My parents would be delighted to have me home and I did not burn that bridge. Also, my boyfriend does not want me leaving so I am trying to adapt since the new semester is coming up.I never pour my emotions out, if anything I am very controlled. I only cry when he is not home, and I'm cheerful when he comes back.I do not consider myself clingy or whiny, I do not call or text him (he does constantly)Public transportation is 30 min away, but I will try that route the extra walking can only be beneficial.I do not depend on my boyfriend as my parents, if anything I am more a support for my parents, I take care of everything for them from their taxes to setting up their medical appointments, so the silliest of things. I take care of everything for my bf as well.When I moved out I knew he would not support me or take care of me. I dont have him on a pedestal, if anything he is someone who I ahve to care for on a daily basis. I am very careful of what I say to him and around him as he gets hurt easily.I guess I just wanted to talk with someone, anyone really. I am looking advice on how to cope with feeling so alone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): You have now learned what happens when you isolate yourself from your friends and loved ones to center all your attention on one person. Your boyfriend is right. He doesn't have to listen to your whining or put up with your depressing behavior at all.This is the man you chose to move in with. You gave up everything to be with him. You have been so busy being his girlfriend; you don't open up to others to make friends. You have not established a support system right there where you are. Now you're blaming him; because you're upset, and regret your own decision to be there. Next time, you will carefully consider the pros and cons when you make a drastic decision to relocate. You will consider what you are sacrificing, before you do something so drastic.Who's fault is that?First of all, people are not just here to listen to our problems and absorb our misery. You should reach out for comfort. That's what boyfriends should do for you. He is limited in how much he can do to make you a happy person. However; you have to learn to cope and resolve your own personal problems by going back to the source of irritation. Tackle the problem; and overcome obstacles that get in the way of your happiness and well-being. By using common sense and consideration of all the facts involved; you try to establish a solution. We sort out our problems, and consider ways to end these nagging issues.Seeking advice is good, as long as it is put to good use.You are in college; so you also know how to research for answers. You are there to learn to seek and process knowledge, and how to apply it daily living.The only cure to homesickness, is go home. You say you can't go home. Okay, find a way to reopen that door; by figuring out how it got closed in the first place. Crying and sobbing is a good outlet for emotion; but it shouldn't stop there. You must build inner-strength. Download books on self-esteem, building confidence, and problem solving. Read, read, and read some more.Send out an olive branch to those you love, or to people you've had ongoing disagreements. Even if apologies are not accepted, you have made the effort; and you will find relief. Sometimes only planting the seed will yield future results.Get a physical examination to be tested for clinical depression; or other underlying physiological or psychological disorders, that may be affecting your moods and behavior. Boyfriends just can't deal with all your outpouring of emotions. They shouldn't have to. Clingy and whiny people become an annoying burden. They don't mean to; but if they don't work on their self-esteem; they won't have many friends. People just want to see you smiling and happy sometimes.Even the best of friends and family will get saturated; if all you do is complain and sulk.No one else is responsible for your happiness. We reach out to others for love, support, inspiration, and social interaction. They may generously offer us advice; however, there are times we must rely on our own inner-resources.Come up with our own solutions and remedies. As you're finding out, you can't always lean on others. That is part of growing up.Why can't you go home? Why can't you contact your friends and family by phone, text messages, Skype, IM, or Facebook?Did you burn bridges behind you? Do you have unresolved family issues left behind? Do you let your boyfriend regulate your comings and goings or communications?Why can't you use a bus or public transportation? Why can't you seek a ride from a friend. If you're in college, there is no way you can't make a friend. There is no excuse.You need to get your hands on some good self-help material.You depend on your boyfriend like a substitute for your parents. Well, now you must take care of yourself. You made the decision to move out on your own. Did you think he would take care of your every need? Now you know better.When you can't find answers from those close by, you reach out to mom/dad, counselors, therapists, good friends, grandma/pa, and helplines. If you are religious, you go to your clergy and religious advisers. Join volunteer programs to help others and to make friends.You try to be upbeat. Have a positive attitude. Be grateful for small blessings. Do kind things for others. Just plain ignore your problems and put them on the back-burner. Raise a little hell sometimes.You have to go out and be more independent. This opens up all your options and gives you a feeling of confidence, and you build inner-strength and self-reliance. It makes you more of an attractive and stronger woman.I think your boyfriend is insensitive; but I also think you have centered your universe around him, and it's too much for one person to bear. Never place any guy up on a pedestal. You should keep people at eye-level at all times.You have reached out to DearCupid; and there are many of us here who have experience, and have been right where you are now. We've learned to help ourselves, and extend advice to help others.No matter what advice you receive here; you'll have to learn to seek your own solutions, and put them into action. When you build your confidence, you also learn to problem-solve; you develop a sense of accomplishment. Learning to cope is your means to daily survival. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised of what you are capable of doing all on you own. Sometimes your boyfriend will need you for strength. You handed over full control to him. Now he abuses the power.Review all the advice to follow, and make sure you work on being stronger; so you can realize your own power, make better decisions, and find your own happiness. With or without your boyfriend.
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