A
male
age
41-50,
*eanboe
writes:So a little background first. I am a 29 year old closeted at work Gay man that works as a Paramedic. Recently I was assigned a new partner whom is 20 years old and quite good looking. I immediately took notice and began to develop an innocent crush on him. Our personalities and sense of humor click very well. I felt as though he was straight until I began to pick up on some things that pointed me to in the direction that he would be at least curious. He acts straight (but so do I) but has some effeminate mannerisms such as the way he uses his hands to talk. Also he is VERY flirtatious with me and wants to wrestle and tries to tackle me all the time. There is an occasional strange tension between the two of us which I only get around men who “like me”. We spend 48 hours a week together as partners on an ambulance and have now spent a little bit of time together outside of work. Recently I threw a Christmas party at my house and we ended up spending about 9 days straight together. He had ample opportunity to leave if he wanted. Also it seemed as though he wanted to extend our time together. On our drive back up to work he kept wanting to stop at stores to just walk around. I obliged. Nothing out of the ordinary happened outside of flirting when we were alone together. Also he talks about his penis on a regular basis and I probably know more about his then my own haha. I know he has slept with women and he does brag about how “good he is” and how long he lasts. His current roommate confirmed the hetero sex haha. I have not told him that I am gay but he has asked me on several occasions if I am, and says he would be cool with it. I would like to come out at work and am slowly getting comfortable with the idea. Also while at work we spend a ton of time at our station alone hanging out. On several occasions he has made some “awkward contact” at least awkward for a straight guy. On one occasion he gently grabbed my toes and laughed (that was before our 9 days together). And now this week he grabbed my knee twice, the way a guy grabs his girlfriend or boyfriends knee when they are trying to be “close”. Also that same night we were playing video games and our feet accidentally touched. I moved mine back but he gently rubbed his foot on top of mine and laughed. I found all of this particularly interesting since he says he is straight. I have many many straight friend and have never had another heterosexual man touch me like that. When I was touched I made little mention of the matter and laughed a bit myself but I never pulled away and never stopped it. I am pretty sure that he thinks I am straight at this point and just thinks I am a commitment phobe with women. I keep it pretty basic when I talk about dates and imply everything (sort of a closeted gay mans tactic). He does mention girls . Especially a few obviously attractive ones like Mila Kunas or other very attractive female stars. Usually He'll say something like I would do dirty things to them. haha. Also on one of the nights we were at my house together he wanted to go the restaurant Twin Peaks (if you don't know what that is think classy Hooters with better food and atmosphere). We went, and I found myself looking at the girls more than him. I payed pretty close attention to where his eyes wandered and honestly I never saw him make a glance at the very scantily clad women there. He is pushed to talk to girls all the time even by friends and even me haha but makes no significant attempt. The girls I know he has slept with are how do I say this politely a bit on the promiscuous side. He has not had a girlfriend since High School. He says he is just super awkward around girls and that is why he has not made any headway in that area. So is this guy straight and just super comfortable with his sexuality, or is he sending me signals that he wants more? My crush at this point has all but worn off but I am still attracted to this guy. I would like to come out at work but I still have a few concerns about actually doing that. Eventually it will happen. Sorry for the long winded questions and thanks for the responses. I will be back for follow up.
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male
reader, seanboe +, writes (21 December 2012):
seanboe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFair enough man thanks for the advice. I am still not sure exactly how to proceed. I really do think that this guy could be bisexual, but he lives in an area that would be very difficult to be accepted in if that is the case. I commute about 2 hours to work every week.
A
male
reader, GoodGuyLast +, writes (21 December 2012):
What a great 'problem'! I'll swap you my problem for yours. I personally think you could be reading more into it because it's what you want. It sounds like he really likes you as a close friend and enjoys being around you, feels comfortable with you. I wouldn't out yourself to him because if he's not gay, he may become uncomfortable. Also no reason to out yourself at work unless that's what you want, but I get the impression that it's not really what you want.
There's only one solution.
1) Invite him over to watch a match
2) PLENTY of alcohol
3) You say "You know, 'insert name', I've had this pain in my neck for days now. I can't get rid of it. Could you just massage it right here. Hold on let me take my shirt off, it'll make it easier for you. Wow you massage really good. You must have practised a lot. Yes, that feels so sood. Could you just massage my shoulders also. I can do the same for you afterwards if you like. Just massage a little lower. Wow that's so good. Thank you. Right now your turn. I've had massage training. Right, take of your (phew) shirt"
4) I'll personally censor number 4
5) Next day. Any embarrasment is covered by both guys with the line, "Wow I can't believe how much I drank last night. I can't remember anything", or hopefully the line "Wow that was great. See you again this evening"
Best of luck. Let us know how you get on.
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A
male
reader, seanboe +, writes (20 December 2012):
seanboe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has occurred to me that any significant involvement could end awkwardly which is what has kept me from making a move. That being said life is short. I have considered just reciprocating the same touches he give me to see where it goes. Also he is considering moving into our 4th bedroom in a few months so I may wait until that happens to do anything.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 December 2012):
 I think you should follow what your gut tells you. I think if your gut tells you he might be curious, or maybe even closetes gay, or on his way to being homosexual, then your gut is right. I don't think it's wishful thinking. But, there are a few red lights here. First off, he's someone you work with. Flirting with co-workers can go very poorly, seeing as you might argue and then can't work together, or you break up and it becomes very awkward. Even if you flirt, and he suddenly stops talking to you, you can't just ignore him as he'll be at work with you. So keep in mind: is this really worth all the problems it can cause you at work? Or do you want to keep your job and have a good working atmosphere?
Second, even if he is gay, he might just enjoy the flirting, and then not want more. He might also just be curious, and then become uncertain about what he wants and pull back. If he's not sure about who he is and what he wants, my experience says that he will go in one direction one day, and then revert and go the other direction the next. Simply because he doesn't know himself well enough to know what he want. A very likely scenario is that you and him flirt, you end up making out, maybe even have a one night stand, and then after a week he goes cold turkey on you and doesn't want anything to do with you. Then maybe he flips around again once you're finally over him and wants to flirt again. Can your heart really tolerate to gamble on a man who doesn't know what he is or what he wants?
My suggestion is to come out to him in private, and then not come out at work unless that's what you want. Tell him you are gay. And then, be honest with him and ask him if he knows what he is. Don't let him know you like him, hold back on your feelings until you know if he is a safe bet. If he's unsure about what he is, then he's not someone you should get involved with. If he's unsure about what he wants (even if he is gay), then he's not someone you should get involved with unless all you want is a one night stand. If you want a relationship, then you need to make sure that's what he wants as well.
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A
male
reader, seanboe +, writes (20 December 2012):
seanboe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also have seen many young men act in the manner I described when in larger groups where they get a rise out of more than just the person they are screwing with. That is the strange part. When I was growing up my friends and I would do stuff similar all the time but when I was with just one guy it pretty much stopped. He also had one really close friend that just left for the military about 3 months ago when he began working with me. So i could see the best friend thing. Also I know he respects me a ton at work and does look up to me in that regard. I have considered telling him that I am gay to gauge a response, but I am concerned about the effect it could have on him. I know something similar to this happened to me when I was his age and it drove me further into the closet.
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A
male
reader, seanboe +, writes (20 December 2012):
seanboe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also have seen many young men act in the manner I described when in larger groups where they get a rise out of more than just the person they are screwing with. That is the strange part. When I was growing up my friends and I would do stuff similar all the time but when I was with just one guy it pretty much stopped. He also had one really close friend that just left for the military about 3 months ago when he began working with me. So i could see the best friend thing. Also I know he respects me a ton at work and does look up to me in that regard. I have considered telling him that I am gay to gauge a response, but I am concerned about the effect it could have on him. I know something similar to this happened to me when I was his age and it drove me further into the closet.
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A
female
reader, ninja84 +, writes (20 December 2012):
Would you be comfortable with outing yourself to just him? I think if you tell him you are gay; he would be more likely to tell you he is, or you can at least measure his response. If he is still flirtatious after that, chances are he is probably closeted too.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (20 December 2012):
If he is socially awkward, he may not realize that you think he is flirting with you. He may also be touching you to try to get a rise out of you (pun not intended) to have you confirm your sexuality. He may also think that making his male friends uncomfortable by touching them in an almost sensual manner is funny--i've seen heterosexual teenage boys and young men exhibit this sort of behavior towards one another. I don't know why they do it, but they do and they usually laugh.
Does your colleague have any other close friends that he spends time with? Is it possible that he is straight, socially awkward, and thinks he found a guy who shares a lot of his own interests...is it possible he sees you as best friend material and is courting you in a purely platonic manner?
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