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female
,
anonymous
writes: I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We do love each other but seem to be soo different. It seems that when I need to talk about something (which is not that often and always with reason) he always gets soo defensive and turns everything around on me. I become labeled a problem person, I don't listen, I give him grief, I also apparently forget vital things he's said that I know he never did etc etc nothing ever gets solved and ends up with me feeling frustrated and angry but also sooo scared of losing him. It becomes soo messy we never really address whats bothered me in the first place! I always end up giving in for a peaceful life and things do become good, but never straight away. I always feel punished for a short while after and feel its me that needs to pander to him. How can I change this stupid pattern??!! Its driving me crazy and is really hurting me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ainley +, writes (18 May 2006):
 ah the stubborn old man who can never admit hes wrong, i know plenty of people like that in fact im the same but female. hmm well taking from my dad hes the same and after years of him being like that ive found that the best way to handle it is to make it into a kind of joke, like when you approach the subject of what ever smile a little, act bit girlie this puts him into a false sence of security thinking maybe hes going to get something. now just remember as soon as you say what your problem or what you want is he'll probably start freezing up, so just maintain the way you are and if he blows off a little just giggle or laugh a little and mean a little because he'll think your taking the mick, reach out to him and just use your femine charms on him because with who ever you are no matter what sex you cant remain angry when someone is smiling and flirting. as much as times have changed men cant deal with being told off by females except there mothers because then they've got no choice. just try it the worst that'll happen is he laughs at you for being silly but it'll still work, life doesnt have to be so serious all the time so make it fun. hope this has helped?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): Being 'on a level' with your SA is vital for the relationship to work out. I suggest you talk to him because it's probably a problem for him too, and see if you can both work as a unit to improve the quality of your relationship. Be patient, but it still isn't working i guess you're gonna have to either leave him or just put up with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): well you should sit down and tell him how u feel angry and hurt. dont let him bother you just get on with your life and ignore the stupid reactions and remarks.
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A
female
reader, cth2006 +, writes (18 May 2006):
I totally empathise with you, I've been there in exactly the same type relationship and we're still trying to work it out! My only advice to you should be not to blame yourself, to think back to how you were before you met him. To realise that yes, you do have good reason to question things. Speak with him rationally and see if there is any scope there for him accepting you the way you are. Sometimes and especially when we're completely head over heels about someone, we loose ourselves and forget who we were before we met that person. Every single thing they say is taken so personally that it always seems as though we're getting the short straw (maybe that's how your b/f feels?). Talk with him, see if it works, but the last thing you probably need to feel is that you're a problem and believe me the longer you stay with him the more convinced you are going to get that it is you who is the problem which is actually untrue.
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