A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, let me just say that I appreciate any and all advice I may receive on here.Three years ago when I was just seventeen, I met a man in his thirties and we spent the next seven and a half months together. I was entering my senior year of high school and went through a phase where all my friends were drifting apart, my boyfriend had just dumped me through text, and nothing seemed to be going right. He came into my life when I was feeling really down and we connected almost instantly. He washed all my worries and sadness away. I fell hard for him, it was inevitable. We had our ups and downs and even broke up a few times then got back together. He was the very first man I ever told I loved. Well we ended up breaking up one final time and on bad terms. It was a messy breakup, I couldn't let go of him and begged him to stay with me. Months and months went by as I nursed my broken heart and I finally thought I was over him.That was three years ago. I am now twenty and cannot seem to date anyone without thinking back to him. Last year I dated a really nice guy for a few months, and couldn't even hold his hand, much less kiss him. He treated me well but I could not move forward with him. My older man was always in the back of my head. I have attempted to date two others and the same thing happens. I cannot seem to be intimate, or have a romantic relationship with anyone. My mind is continuously going back to my older man. A few weeks ago I was contemplating whether or not to call him, not even knowing if he has the same number. I didn't even know why I wanted to call him, perhaps for closure? And I didn't know what I was going to say. This is cowardly, but I blocked my number and called him. As soon as he answered I knew it was him. I can recognize that intriguing voice anywhere. My heart was racing and I just froze. I couldn't speak at all. I called him back a few more times and the same thing, I could not talk. He said, "Are you going to talk this time? Come on, I'm listening. What are you getting out of this?" I hung up and cried. I am just so conflicted. I do not know what to do. All I know is that when I try to date guys and be with them, I can't go through with it. I have not had a serious relationship since him. I just can't do it. And when I call him to either get closure or reconcile, I freeze up and become speechless. I care deeply about him, and in the past three years, there has not been one single day where I have not thought about him. I miss him, and that is the honest truth. What are you all think is going on? Should I contact him again and if yes what should I say? Thank you in advance.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 April 2013):
 You keep trying to relive the past, instead of accepting and entering into new experiences. Sure, another guy is not him, but he is a new experience, and that experience can end up being a treasure in your life as well. There was something special in that relationship to you, and that's what you want to keep going, even though he's not with you now. If you need closure, call him and talk. I sense the reason you aren't speaking is that you fear the outcome. You think you will be rejected by him, therefore it's better not to communicate with him. But that fear is destroying your possibility of having closure, or even seeing what he might say. You never know, he might be longing to hear your voice as well. You won't know unless you find out.
The big issue here is that because you two aren't together, you're stuck in a rut of no one else being good enough. But you don't know that either unless you try. I look at ALL relationships as being building blocks. They help us learn, no matter if the outcome is positive or negative. It's that experience that we need because it helps to define who we are, what we're willing to accept, and how we handle and set boundaries. I've had some real amazing relationships, and some that were not, but in every one I can state what I learned from that experience.
Call him, and this time talk. I hope this helps, take care.
A
female
reader, Romanilove +, writes (27 April 2013):
First and foremost, I think that you should consider going to talk therapy. Its a healthy way to release all of these emotions. Please consider this. Now moving forward....You were deeply impacted by this relationship and thats okay. You are a sensible young woman who evidently has a wonderful capacity to love. Whats not okay is that you are suffering from a past situation and it is influencing your current moods. I strongly suggest you stop the call and hang up behavior. Try to take up a new hobby ( kickboxing, biking, running, swimming etc.. ) anything physical, that involves concentration ,coordination, endurance and stamina helps distract your mind from everything else. This physical activity releases endorphins which relieve stress and lower anxiety levels.Last but NOT least VALUE YOURSELF. To start, Please read Iyanla Vanzant's -" Until Today" book. Take a peak at it on a mazon. I give these recommendations because your situation sounds extremely similar to what i am going through. I am slowly recovering from a breakup that left me depleted...although we have been apart for almost one year and i have tried dating, i still cannot bring myself to find love with someone else. But thats OKAY....you WILL get better from where you are now. There will be set backs and then leaps of progress , followed by setbacks again and followed by more progress. Please consider therapy, read the book and try physical exercise. It helped enlighten me when i was in a dark dark place , that sounds awfully similar to your situation.
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