A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some insight into the female mind. I am away from home right now. Been away for about 4 weeks, and I have two more to go. My wife and I video chatted today, but the whole day she has been short on calls/texts. She seemed super tired (yawned about 4 times during the chat) and seemed sad. I was super excited to see her. Telling her I loved her, etc. Usually she smiles and playfully tells me things. This time, I barely saw a crack of a smile.So I asked her what was wrong. If she was tired or sad? She said she didn't know. (How can you not know if you are tired or sad or both?)I asked if I could do anything? (She responded, just stop talking about it, you're pushing it...)So I did, and we just stayed there quiet. Staring at each other. I tried to change the conversation like 5 times, but everytime she just gave a short answer and nothing...so I finally told her I would call her later because I needed to study. She then rolls her eyes, and closes the video chat. I don't get it. I tried changing the subject, telling her I loved her, I stopped "pushing" it when she asked and changed the conversation but she would just sit there. And then she gets mad at me when I tell her I have to study...What would have been the correct thing to do here? How would she react if the roles were reversed? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 I am not good with apologies. I don't expect apologies from others either, unless there's been something quite serious. I forgive and forget. If someone did something I am not happy about, I either let it slip, or let them know. But I do not expect an apology. Now, that probably comes from my upbringing, and since we are anonymous on here I can tell you that my father always said he was sorry after screaming at us, or smacking us upside down, or cursing us out and scaring the crap out of us (me and my siblings) on one of his anger outbursts.
He'd say sorry, sure. And then he'd go and do it over again the very next time he felt like it. Then say sorry. And then bloody do it again! Now you tell me, but words are meaningless. Actions are what matter. I do not need to hear apologies, in fact I resent apologies. I need to see that it doesn't happen again. If it doesn't happen again, or if I SEE that the person is working on it, then I got what I wanted. That's the point after all, to voice my opinion, and have it been heard and understood, and not have the incident reoccur. The point is not to shame another person and make them crawl, only to have them repeat the thing at a later date and repeat the cycle of demanding an apology.
See what I mean? Action is what matters. Not words. Which is why apologies are over rated. Everyone can say they are sorry. But they don't always mean it. I'd much rather have a person think about the case, and then at a later date tell me they are sorry, and know it is sincere, than have a person "admit" and say sorry right away, because I wouldn't trust in those words.
Your wife wants you to apologize, which is different from me, as I wouldn't expect it any more than I say it (I say sorry quite rarely, I make up for things by not doing them instead). It could be a habit of hers. I had an ex who was always interested in passing blame, like there could not be an argument without someone being at fault. I talked to him about it over and over, about how I do not want this passing of blame, and meaningless apologies, I want to resolve a conflict, and conflicts aren't resolved by passing blame (they aren't you know, passing blame doesn't prevent it from happening again). Yet he continued to do it. It was how he was raised. He couldn't help himself. Funny enough he also brought up how I didn't say "sorry" enough. As if the word itself would make a difference to the amounts of arguments we had.
So, to sum it all up. "The only issue I have with mentioning, "you rolled your eyes, and I do not appreciate it," and then moving on; is how does that change anything?"
By stating the fact, and not passing blame, and moving on, you've have sent her a message. Your putting your foot down. You've passed a warning. You've told her you will not argue over it, but it hasn't gone by unnoticed, and it is not welcomed. You avoid further arguing by moving on. You don't need the arguing. You don't need to convince her of how hurt you are, you've told her. She's got ears. An apology will not make what she did go away with a POOF. Your feelings wont be less hurt if you know she in the future will say sorry. It is what she DID that was wrong, and if you make this into an argument about apologizing then you have shifted the problem from her initial action, and on to something different. Which means that the initial problem will go unresolved. You don't need to press the matter because she knows what she did. She knows she rolled her eyes. There's no need to argue over it. You noticed, you let her know how you feel about it, you move on.
Now, it's up to her what to do with it. A forced apology is worthless. If she genuinely feels sorry about it she will come to you and say sorry on her own. If she admits to herself she was wrong then you will see it in her actions, without her needing to tell you. Like maybe she'll pamper you the next day, or do something special. And more importantly.. maybe she'll open up to you and start to communicate to you about her feelings. Then you wont be in this situation as often again, or maybe never again at all. Which to me is far more important than mere words.
And, don't hold grudges. If she doesn't say sorry you are allowed to be upset for a while about it, and mope a little, but then you let it go and move on. And not bring it up again at a later fight, not even put weight on it. It's water under the bridge.
It takes a good amount of time to change habits you learned when growing up though. If she's got a need for apologies, then that's a problem she must work on. But just because she makes you say sorry a lot, doesn't mean you must demand the same from her, if it truly isn't as important to you. Neither will I advice you to say sorry unless you genuinely feel sorry about something. Never say sorry just so the other person will say sorry, because then it's only a game of tit for tat, and without meaning. Say sorry when you feel you are sorry. Not because someone makes you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): Chigirl, you are so right. I wish I had a little microphone with you on the other end...lol
I do feel the need for her to admit her fault. Perhaps because I admit them, and apologize for them when I committ them. The only issue I have with mentioning, "you rolled your eyes, and I do not appreciate it," and then moving on; is how does that change anything? She never said she's sorry. Never said, "I'll try to fix that..." yet, when I make a mistake, she feels the need for me to tell her I am sorry.
Everything you wrote makes sense to me, I feel like you and her are a lot alike. I will try your advice. I hope it works, thanks so much. To everyone actually. Thanks a lot!
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (20 September 2011):
 After reading your updates and followups, it appears that what you are doing is VERY GOOD and that 6 weeks is not a lot to get a promotion and raise in pay of 35 grand.
You sound like a very nice guy and you should be one, it is good. However, she expects to be catered to and when someone who is treated like royalty has the persons taken away. they get pissed
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 September 2011):
Hey, thank you for the follow-ups.
What I mean by you needing to accept that she is in a bad mood, is not that it is okay for you to be neglected. But, we're not talking about you accepting that she is like this 100% of the time. That would be an entirely different matter. She isn't like this constantly, is she? It's just every so often, like you said? You might feel disappointed right then and there, but is this a constant feeling? Be fair on her. It's not enough to call neglect if it only happens now and then.
"I didn't want to just sit there in silence.". You were expecting more. Not satisfied with what you got. That's what I originally was getting at. I'm not asking you to accept it if she is rude to you. But to accept that she will not be entertaining you. Accept that today, you will have a boring conversation. And not push for more.
The following will be based on the assumption that this doesn't happen very often, but occasionally.
Some times, we aren't feeling our best. And that needs to be ok. It is OK for people to want some time on their own. I do not know how the chemistry or dynamic is between you and your wife, but I know what it is like to be on both sides of the needing-distant axis. She wishes to be distant, withdraw into herself, possibly to figure out her thoughts or just to spend some time alone. You are left feeling needy because of her withdrawal. When she pulls back you want more and more. This causes her to pull back even further. This is when you must accept that she isn't always going to want to feed you with happiness or cheerful conversation. She's there to talk to you, get through the practical things, update you about the daughter, but doesn't have much else to offer. Some days, that needs to be ok. You can't always expect her to be on top and at her best.
Just the same, if YOU feel you need some time alone, she needs to accept that. You are two people in a relationship, but you are still individuals, with individual needs. Just because you are married doesn't mean you will adopt the same needs for everything at the exact same time. It sucks, sure, it crates unpleasant situations, sure, but that's how it is when two people get together. They are different. Maybe when you are old and gray you will have grown into each others customs and habits, but not quite yet. You are still very much two individuals with individual needs. If you accept this then you will not see it as a problem, but take it as a natural event that will not complicate your relationship. Because if it isn't a problem, then it doesn't need fixing.
"Probably, because when I sad/depressed or confused, all I need is her to tell me that and it makes me happy. Even if only for a moment." This is completely understandable. It's how all humans think. We initially assume that people react and think the way we do. We do on to others what we'd like them to do to us. And then we're surprised when it doesn't work. Understanding another human is difficult. It is also very common to assume that everyone else knows and understand the same things you do.
Next, what IS a problem is if you and her do not communicate well. But this comes with time, if you work at it. Key words are to be understanding. If she has the best interest at heart for the marriage, she will also be understanding. When you talked about how arguments turn out between you, and she shuts down, I see this as a communication problem. The problem does not lie in the actual facts of who did what, but in how you discuss them. It isn't quite clear what happens, but I think what I asked you to do (make her responsible for her actions) is different from how you'd normally go about it (needing to her admit to her faults). I hope you can understand the difference in approach.
My scenario is: you tell her "Honey, you rolled your eyes at me (fact, she knows it too, no need to admit to it). I understand that you were not feeling your best yesterday (avoid saying she was upset, angry, sad or specify her feelings), but I do not like it when you react in such a manner towards me."
Then she goes into her shut down mode, if I understand this correctly. But here's where your approach alters from mine.
Your scenario: "Admit that you did something wrong. Don't you see how that was disrespectful? You hurt my feelings. You shouldn't do that!" (wild guess, I don't know what you'd say, but maybe something up the lines of that, and she shuts down even more).
My scenario after she shuts down: "I hope that next time something bother you, we can talk about it. I want us to be able to communicate, and I will try to understand the situation and do my best at understanding you. It helps if you open up. I know you need to take your time, and talk to me when you feel comfortable about it. You told me once about not always understanding your own feelings, and maybe you just need time to figure things out. When you figure it out I want you to come to me and tell me about it, even if it is days later."
If there is still no response, drop it. Just let it go. You said what you wanted to say, she heard you, and the message was clear. No need for her to respond immediately. Then, if she at this point or later, wants a hug, it is fine. A hug at any time is fine even if you had a heated argument, if you ask me. Making peace with each other, even if the conflict is not resolved, is good. You don't always have to get to the bottom of things, and come to an agreement on things, to be able to let them go.
I have a few last practical things for you. "I could hire someone to go help her with day to day chores so she could just focus on the child." Trust your intuition. Men rarely trusts their intuition.. but instead of waiting for her to tell you "I'm drowning in the workload!", which can take quite some time when she's in the middle of it (the common thing of not seeing the forest because all the trees are in the way). Ask her instead "By the way, I was thinking about something, do you think it'd be a good idea to hire someone to help around the house for when I am away? Since you're getting twice the workload when I'm not there to do my share?", then you'll know if that's it. You can use elimination technique this way to get to what would potentially be the problem.
Another thing that caught my eye is that you said her "mood" happens then and again, and that she next says she doesn't know why it happens, leaving you all confused. Without telling her this, write down in a private calendar when she is in this mood. Check for a pattern. Be very discrete about it. But if it happens on average every 4th week, it is because of menstruation. The hormone levels in the body change. PMS is the severe cases, but even those without PMS (which is a clinical diagnosis), can experience mood swings, or sensitivity, both physically (breast and belly swelling, or hurting, cramps) and emotionally (sensitivity, feeling down one minute, crying from the smallest thing etc).
Most women aren't even aware of this themselves. Usually this takes place the week BEFORE her period. You can therefor easily figure out if this is the cause. If it is, just lay low that week. Or come back here and ask for further help, because that is an completely new question.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Hi,I am completely opposite of your wife. I am very open about my feelings, when something bothers me, I need to talk immediately, and solve right away. I am the kind if person that can't hold any feelings inside, drives me crazy, but that's just the person I am. Through out the years, I never understood people that don't talk, or keep to themselves. But, I've learned that different people have different characters. Doesn't mean they are right or wrong. It's just the way they handle situations, some people have difficulty expressing their feelings, but I know they don't have any bad intensions. That's how I see your wife. She just don't know how to express herself. As you mentioned, it has happened before, so that's my conclusion. Also, could be the birth control that's causing her fatigue, and mood swings. Also, you said you have a 10 mos new baby girl? Some women after birth get depression. I am not saying your wife has depression, but I am guessing that's probably the reason for your behavior. Also, maybe she misses you too much, but don't know how to express. She even said, she doesn't know what's wrong with her, and why she feels this way. You need to help your wife to learn how to deal with her emotions. For now, since you are away, have another 2 weeks, try to make the best of it. You are an amazing husband, father, and I am sure your wife knows, and feels the same way. I just want to let you know, that you are doing everything right, the way you approach your wife, etc. You are very consider of her... So just know that. Understand that just because you don't have problems communicating, thinks certain ways, doesn't mean she will react the way you do. For now, just be patient, understanding, supportive. When you come back, when you feel is the right time, when she's feeling in a good mood, try to talk to your wife about her lack of communication. What's bothers you, how she makes you feel, what do you expect from her, etc. You said, this has happened before? And I am sure it will happen again if you don't help your wife. Understand that it's not her fault, so don't accuse her, judge her, or blame her. she just need help dealing with her emotions, and need to learn how to communicate. I hope this helps, and make sense. I hope that together you, and your wife work things out. Best wishes
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I am going to be away for a total of 6 weeks. 4 are already done. 2 to go. It will raise my annual income from earning about 75,000 a year, to about 110,000 a year. So she knows it is better for the entire family. I work for the US Govt as a Federal Agent, but nothing in my schedule has dramatically changed to constitute such behavior. It could be she just simply misses me and doesn't even realize it's affecting her behavior, but I miss her. It just makes me want to talk/chat/text all the time with her. It could be the stress of dealing with the baby, but if that was it. I wish she would tell me and then I'd at least have an understanding. I could hire someone to go help her with day to day chores so she could just focus on the child.I had already ordered her flowers before we had gotten into the fight, and they are set to be delivered tomorrow. So I hope she doesn't think I sent them BECAUSE we fought...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): I'm about 7 hours away. We have 1 little girl. (10 months)We weren't having problems. She was a little resentful at first, but understood it was for the benefit of our family. (promotion training)She is on birth control. (not pregnant) I don't know if she has anything important to tell me because she normally is not very open about her feelings.It takes a lot for her to open up and just share her feelings. (Because she says she doesn't understand them herself.)The only way I can think of being annoying is when she says I'm too pushy. I can't think of anything important I am ignoring because of the trip. (She did say she felt I loved our daughter more than her because I would constantly ask her about our daughter...) Which i don't. And what father wouldn't ask about his daughter? I always ask her first how her day went, if she needs anything, if everything is ok..then I ask about our daughter...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): chigirl,that actually kind of made some sense to me. Thanks for the explanation. It seems like she is "like" you. I guess looking back, I did expect her to suddenly say, "Oh, thank you for telling me how much I mean to you. I am so happy NOW! :)"Probably, because when I sad/depressed or confused, all I need is her to tell me that and it makes me happy. Even if only for a moment. I didn't want to just sit there in silence. And it's hard to try to have a conversation in a monologue tone of voice with the other party just sitting there. But it was like that at first, and she seemed ok with it. (sucked for me though). This isn't the first time it happens. It happens from time to time with her always telling me she doesn't know why it happens. (which confuses the hell out of me.)But at the same time, why do I have to just accept it? I usually just sit there, by myself, missing her, and waiting until she feels ok enough to call me. I feel like I'm being neglected when I have NEVER neglected her. Even when I am mad. I still tell her I love her, but it feels like I have to PRY it out of her. I agree with discussing it at a later date about how her actions were inappropriate. (rolling of the eyes.) But as soon as I mention ANYTHING negative on her part, she COMPLETELY shuts down. Won't even admit she was wrong. Just sits there for HOURS upon HOURS and eventually just comes up to me, hugs me, and tells me she wants to be ok. Which I always give in because by that point I just want to salvage whatever time is left of the night or day. (guess i shouldn't do that?)It's just really getting to me. The entire time she wants to "BE ALONE!" I am just sitting there. Neglected. And that's not fair to me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Are you in different time zones? Like, on the other side of the world time zones?
Do you have children? Could she be pregnant? Is she resentful of your extended trip? Have you been having problems before you left?
Does your wife expect you to be a mind-reader, or is she normally upfront about her feelings and thoughts?
Could it be that she has something serious to tell you in person and just is tired of holding it in?
Could you have been annoying in some way and are clueless as to why?
We'd need more context to hazard a guess as to what's going on in her mind. She sounds tired and not up to being playful in the way you want. Maybe you've been ignoring something important to her because of your trip?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 September 2011):
How can you not know if you are tired or sad or both?
A: if you haven't reflected on it much. Women tend to think long winded thoughts. If we say we aren't sure, that means the jury is still out on the matter. If your wife is anything like me, a delayed reactor, it might take her a few hours or a day to find out how she actually feels (by delayed reactor I mean that I react to things not immediately after they happen, but hours later, some times even days later). If she's a delayed reactor it takes time to sort through all your emotions to find out what exactly it is you feel towards what.
She's your wife, you should know if this is how she normally reacts to negative things. Or perhaps something happened that needs some more thinking through, not necessarily related to you or your relationship (more likely not related).
I understand your wife's point of view. You were pushing it. Even if you didn't see it that way. You were expecting her to be happy happy if you just changed the topic! But that didn't happen, so you show you aren't satisfied with her reaction, and try to change the topic over and over, trying for some result, trying to make her react differently.
Wrong tactic. You also excused yourself obviously because you didn't get the reaction you wanted out of her. Hence the rolling of the eyes. She knows it was an excuse. Either that, or she was tired of you pushing it by that point and took it out on you by rolling her eyes.
I'm not saying your wife's reactions are justified, I'm just saying I understand why she reacted the way she did.
The "right" way to tackle these situations is to take lead. Let her sit there in silence. Don't expect her to say anything, don't ask tons of questions, just start talking in monologue. Share a story, or some thoughts of something, that you don't really need her to react to. That takes the focus away from her. That allows her to pop in with comments when she feels up for it, and not because you look at her in silence waiting for her to say something (or go "tadaa :D I'm HAPPY NOW!", which is how she might have felt).
If you can't carry on an interesting monologue, and don't have much to tell her, accept that she isn't interested in carrying on a dialog right now. You offered her a chance to tell you what was up, and she didn't take it. You don't need to push it again. When a woman is troubled and wants to express it she usually finds a way of her own, without needing you to ask her about it. It was nice of you to ask though. But once is enough (I know you asked only once, I am only confirming that that was the right approach). When conversation has run dry and there is nothing to say, you end the conversation by being firm, and telling her that you see she is not feeling so well, and that it is ok, but you want her to be able to come to you, her husband, with her concerns.
Don't try to drown her with love declarations. A confused woman doesn't need teddy bears and "I love you"'s, she needs a rock of a man to cling to who gives it to her straight and says it like it is. For example, she rolled her eyes at you (which is disrespectful). You can address it next time you speak, by reminding her of last time you spoke, being calm, saying you understand something was the matter, but that you do not deserved to have her roll her eyes at you (don't go on and on about it, saying it once is enough), then move conversation on to how you want her to be able to talk to you instead, as her husband. This type of communication will a) make her responsible for her own actions and foul mood and b) make her feel welcomed in your arms despite her acting the way she did towards you = makes her feel more loved that "I love you".
I hope that explains things! Women react differently than men, in general. If the roles were reversed it'd be a whole other scenario, and is difficult to compare. Men in general have a skill for leaving some feelings hidden when they aren't appropriate, and hide feelings beneath (can be both a curse and a blessing), while many women carry one emotion with them the entire day, irrelevant of the setting (especially if she's a delayed reactor, one feeling can last for an entire day if not days!).
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Other than it possibly being a mood change and She may simply be missing you and is not looking forward to you traveling again. You say you have more to go, maybe the loneliness you absence causes comes out in anger and irritability. Stress and depression can also make you tired. Try sending her flowers next time you are away. Do something a little special to remind her of your love.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (20 September 2011):
Well, to the woman, it sounds like your husband is immature.To the OP, it sounds like your wife is immature. If she can't explain what is wrong, then she should not show it. As far as what is wrong, are you pursuing something really far away after marrying her? Did you do something like join the peace corps after marrying her? Did you decide to throw all caution to the wind and leave her with the kids while you study something that won't make a lot of money? All these things can leave a spouse unfulfilled. My mother bottles her anger up and my father is clueless. He drinks his beer and works on a house that takes seven years to finish at this point. 20000 in bills, 10000 on gas, 80000 purchase price, 20000 in materials, total profit...40 grand, maybe. SEVEN YEARS.Why do I say that this matters? I am drawing a parallel to explain why your wife may be angry and upset.Is what you are doing going to benefit the both of you, or are you off taking an adventure, leaving your wife with the kids or without kids by herself?Same goes to military people that join while their wife is pregnant or with a kid. It is selfish.If you are doing this or anything like it, then you need to not do it. As far as how would she react? I think she would react the same way that the woman reacted in the first answer. She would feel bad and wonder what is wrong. The thing is, it is mainly the women that try and communicate with men and the men just go off and do something that amounts to stupidity. In either case, you know exactly what it is you are doing. If it is something that is temporary, but will make you both live very well in the near future, aka within a few months, then it is worth it. If she is going to sit there and not see you for six months while you study the teaching of the Buddha, expect her to be pissed. I hope this helps. Think about what it could be and assess why you are gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): She probably misses you more than she wants to let on because you still have another two weeks apart. You havent mentioned if you have kids? If so its hard being the the soul carer when you have been used to having someone to share the responsibilities. Are you newly married- Then maybe she resents the fact you are away so soon in your married life. Even if she knows what you are doing is to improve your job, income etc.Sometimes when there is an absence of your partner from bed you can find it hard to fall asleep without them being there to cuddle upto.These are all surmising, next time you chat, say honey i really miss you. I hate going to bed without you and not waking up next to you in the morning and that you cant wait to be home and with her.Hopefully this may help but without more info its just guess work on my part. Goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Well, I think you did the correct things. You asked what was wrong, asked if you could help, and changed the subject when she said to do that. In my opinion you did everything correctly! I'm guessing that she is angry /annoyance about something but not wanting to talk. I'm also thinking this is directed at you for some reason. If you are normally behaving happy and excited to see her, contacting her often, and showing faithfulness while away, I'm not sure what it could be. Then again, some women are very moody and have off days. (But so are men,) I tend to be the more silly/excitable one in the marriage. My husband is the one who gets annoyed and grumpy at me for no reason. (I call it his period :P). At those times I feel like nothing I do is good enough, but soon it goes away and he's back to normal. I don't know what causes it, but your wife's behavior reminded me of it 100%. :(
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