A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused about what I should do. My last long term relationship of who I believed I would spend my future and have a family with, we ended as he had gender issues, and wanted to live a life as portraying as female on a regular basis. Eventually this made me unwell and I could no longer cope, so I had to end the relationship. This was 7 years ago now. I am worrying about my age as im 37 now and really always believed i would have children. I am running out of time if this does not happen soon. I have tried internet dating and I just do not know what has happened over the years as it seems so difficult to make a relationship work. I am so easy going and laid back that this seems to cause me a problem of people always doubting how i feel and they seem to be insecure. then the last one i met which i felt positive about, he seemed to be very possessive and controlling and even started saying i should not do my gym classes as i should be wanting to spend the time with him instead. so this was a very short relationship, 7 weeks! As i am a musician in my spare time i do weekend gigs as a duo and the duo partner, we have had an on and off relationship throughout, the problem with this guy is, he is 18 years older than me, which i don't see as the major issue, but i lost my faith in this within the first 6 months of being together as he is someone who has been unfaithful, and if an opportunity arose of someone making a pass at him, he would not consider me and even think about what he could loose. He doesn't go looking for it, but if someone persues him is the problem. i have leant to accept this, and we alsways come back together and i think the music is a very strong connection between us. The only re assurance i get from him is when i talk to him about my concerns and worries is, "i would never put anyone above you," he will say "i know i make stupid decisions, but if you were to ring me up and say get home now, id be straight there" Crazy, he shouldn't be doing that in the first place should he, but i appreciate his honesty. He has always been unfaithful in all his relationships, just the way he is. He does admit now as he is in his fifties, he is not highly sexed so because of this, this reduces the possibility of him going off doing this now compared to him years ago. But then should you settle for this, as in my mind i think if he loved me then he would not want to hurt me. But i think ive learnt to relaise maybe that is a nieave thought and i don't think that comes into it. Its just who he is. He has said previously, our sexual being is entirely different who we are and who we want to spend our future with. Whatever that means?! Anyway the dialema i have is this, as i want a baby and time is running out, the older guy knows i would like one, he said he would happily give me one and why don't we move in together and give it a go, then, there is an ex of mine from when i was 21 that i was with for about 3 years, we have always stayed friends, he has constantly been trying to find someone to settle with, as he always wants a family life too, and he is struggling to find someone also. He is also very laid back and not that forthcoming like me. He has always wanted to get back with me since we split but my feelings for him were never the same again. So if i did consider getting back with him, it would be mainly because i know id be safe, i wouldn't have anything to worry about, we do get on, and he would make a good dad. Then the older one is really where my feelings are, however he would not make a brilliant father as he seems to struggle to function himself but i would make a great mum, and i would have lots of help so this does not worry me. What do i do?? I have lost faith in hope of someone else will come along, my last try was with the one that was controlling and very jelous, that's not good for my personality as i am a free spirt, and i expect things to be equal in a relationship. the amount of dates i have been on so its i can honestly say, i really have tried, if i sit hoopeing still, someone might come along and it doesn't, then it will be too late. I am waking up every morning, with anxiety, and feeling very fearful for my future, and thinking how terrible it would be to end up alone, without any family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Some very good advise from people thank you. It is very true that you cant see the dangers when you are in love with the person, and I am in love with the older guy which is going to make it very difficult for me. I now know I have the ability of moving on, as before i could not even look at another man, and usually my heart is only with one and that's how I have always been, but with a lot of hard mind power, and the amount this older guy as upset me, I have managed to be able to find others attractive as I did the One that was trying to stop me from doing my gym and seeing friends etc. If it wasn't for that I think that could have worked. I felt excited again and loved the time I spent with him. I am happy to hear that all answer have said really a definite no to the older guy, as If one may have said different id still be thinking I should go that way. The only security I could have with him really is that because he is older now, and not as many are after him, that he would not cheat. I mean what a thing to say, your sexual being is not the whole of your being and what you want to have sex with is not necessarily who you would want to settle down with and if it came down to it he would put me first. I mean what does that mean?!? Then when I tell him my fears how I worry that he may cheat again, he will argue back and say if I honestly cant find it in me to have a leap of faith then what am I doing. I think he may be quite manipulative you know, I don't know. I mean the things he says cut deep. its awful really. rather than him say things to try and re assure me he says the opposite. then I will say you obviously are trying to get rid of me. He will answer with, look, no one has brought us together we came together because we wanted to, because I wanted to if I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't be here, and like I said I would never put anyone above you if it came down to it, if I did something stupid usually I come to my senses. How are these kind of statements re assuring, I don't get it! I mean the obvious would be he doesn't want to be with me wouldn't it really? The reason I think the ex would be a good idea as we know exactly how each other are, so theres gonna be no suprises, he likes his own space as I do mine, his lifestyle of living would suit mine, and I think as I did once love him years ago, maybe I could again. Im wondering about suggesting a holiday for a week away together and that will prob tell me then if I can have them feelings for him. See even as I type this, my heart would rather go away with the older guy, crazy isn't. I suppose the other big thing is I love my music and that is a big part of me also and we make a fantastic duo! But then I think the music is not whats going to keep me safe in the end is it?
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (2 August 2017):
"I just do not know what has happened over the years as it seems so difficult to make a relationship work. "
It's called Tinder. Now you don't need a relationship to have sex, so everybody is just having sex and seldom meaningful relationships.
Now, back to the business. I think that the older guy is out of the equation for a future father. He is going to cheat you and let you down, so that's bad for you and a bad example for your children.
The guy that you don't have feelings but that it's a good partner would be a good choice, but, the problem is that you are going to emotionally lie to him about your feelings, and that's a bad way to rekindle a relationship. However, give it a go, and you may end up falling in love with him.
Your child needs a father figure in his life. I know that many single mothers will tell you otherwise, but emotionally, each child needs a father or something like that as a roll model. These days it's kind of find that since divorce rate is like 50%, but you should look for something like that if you want your child to grow emotionally healthy.
Now, I think that you should be upfront with the guy you choose, because like you say, time is ticking, and if a guy is not sure if they want babies or want marriage or something like that, then you should move to the next one.
Please, DON'T LET any guy tell you to quit the GYM, that's a very BIG FAT RED FLAG. The gym is the best way you can gain confidence and feel better to move forward everyday.
Online dating it's the way many emotionally abusive guys get new and fresh pray to abuse on, so you should be very careful with that, but don't rule it out.
If you create online portfolios on several websites, try being upfront saying you want a serious relationship, and you are looking to start a family with kids. In that way, people that are just into having fun will skip your profile, and you will call the attention of men who are looking for the same things you want.
There are good men out there, but like you mention, you are running out of time, so don't try to search for perfection, since your time will run out.
For what your post mentioned, I think you should look for something like:
- A man that is loyal to you (no cheating)
- A man that wants kids
- A man that wants marriage
- A man that you feel emotionally attracted to.
If you find a guy that matches that criteria, then go ahead, be upfront of what your needs are. If you scare a guy away, then it's a good thing because that means that he does not really wants what you want. If he sticks, then it means that he wants to start a family with you and it's not afraid of compromises.
Best luck!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 August 2017):
 Stop. Just stop. Settling is not the answer. Having a baby (unknown sperm donor) alone is much better than doing an experiment with a guy you know isn't right for you.
Look into sperm banks, not relationships. A relationship will come in time, but a biological child can happen now, if it's that important for you to give birth. Doing it with someone you know, but are not in a solid, long term relationship with is a very bad idea.
Stop seeing yourself as needing a family unit of three immediately. You can start with you and a baby, but you'll need to sort out support first (*not* men!). The reason you're struggling is because you're desperate and it's dangerous when you're thinking about making a baby with a man you're not in love with, have no foundation with and, in some cases, can't be relied upon for support.
Having a baby alone is one thing, but adding a man in the mix (when you're not sure how a relationship, let alone co-parenting, would work out) is too risky for a woman about to have a baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2017): What I have to say may not seem conventional nor what others might say, but why do you have to be with either men in the form of a relationship simply to have a child with either? Should you speak with th either/both in regard to fathering a child with you and what that might entail as an arrangement, and do that instead of having the relationship too?
If you are committed to bringing up a child on your own, then I would do this. If this is what you want from life and have the love and commitment to give a child, good for you, go for it! You don't have to settle for a relationship you aren't complete in to achieve this
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