A
female
age
36-40,
*abymonkey422
writes:So you get an idea of what's going on without having to go back and read my other posts, my husband is in the army and deployed for 15 months less than a year ago. He was really cold and distant from me and I couldn't handle it. I had a guy friend that I thought I could trust but ended up taking advantage of me, and me being so weak minded and having so many problems with my marriage I didn't say no and I cheated on my husband. He didn't leave right away but I hated myself so much that I wanted him to so I treated him like crap. He ended up leaving but it's not really what I wanted. He changed his mind and came back to me and we were fine until I left back home. Then when we were seperated he was again cold and cruel and just distant from me and we had a lot of problems, but when he came down to visit before deploying again we were fine and happy! Well he's deployed again for another 15 months and I'm trying my hardest to prevent the same issues from happening that tore us apart the first deployment but so far I've been doing all the work and my husband wants no part in it and is actually making things more difficult for no reason...[Mod note: here are some links to her previous questions http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-get-him-to-see-that.html http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-the-marriage-over-he-says-hes-not.html ]So anyway for a quick update on the situation now(feel free to read my other two entries to really understand the whole story), I have done a complete 180 on my attitude and the way I treat my husband. I can control my anger a lot better now, don't yell at him or call him names and don't make the fight worse by becoming immature. Not to mention I'm supportive now and show him respect. But it's not enough... I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm still not but I do treat my husband so much better now but it's still not enough for him. We have kinda flip flopped where I'm treating him very well now and he's treating me like crap. He yells at me, gets smart with me, disrespects me and talks down to me and just pretty much makes me feel so unloved and so unappreciated. It's like he doesn't even see how much I've changed to be a better wife for him.He just deployed again for another 15 months to Afgan and I have tried everything in my power to prevent the same issues we had that tore us apart our last deployment but again, he's literally trying to make things difficult and cause problems. So now I'm left with these same empty, confused feelings and I'm so terrified... I'm terrified that I'm going to head down the same path I did the first time which was hanging out with other guys and putting myself in stupid situations. I just crave that feeling of being wanted and loved and cared about and just positive attention from a guy that my husband just can't give me. He's only been gone a month and I've heard from him twice and each time he just talks to me so rudely and I end up crying with him being so mean and hurtful to me... I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's really nothing else I CAN do. I mean I've changed so much and have become a better wife for him but it's not enough. I know I hurt him the worst way I could have but it feels like he's holding it above my head so no matter how good I am he just sees what I did to him. I really don't blame him but it's just frustrating because it's like why come back to me then? Why come back if you're just going to hold this against me. We can't grow as a couple and move from this until he lets it go and chooses to forgive me but he would rather treat me like scum.. He's just so confusing because when he's here with me he's so sweet to me... but when we're apart he literally flips a switch. Just like last time when I moved back home he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't want to be intimate but when he saw me he was so loving and caring and it was great! We had such a great time together but now that he's gone again, he's back to treating me like crap. How can that be? How can someone be so loving and so unbelievably sweet but then turn around and be so cruel and hurtful?! I just want to be happy with him... that's all I want :(Please, help me again guys. You are all so helpful. I'm already so tempted to talk to my ex just to talk and get that attention I so much crave but I don't want to! I really don't... but I'm just so tired of feeling like I love my husband more than he loves me and putting 110% into this relationship and fixing my mistakes but him just disregarding all of my efforts.If you have questions please ask, I left out a bunch of details to make this a short entry.
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cheated on my husband, immature, my ex, unloved, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Hi babes,Glad to hear you still working hard on making yourself a better person. Doesn't sound like this marriage is working for either of you, and from what you say, I don't see much reason for you to stay. Doing what is right for you is a great plan at the moment. Your unhappy, you tried your best, you didn't feel supported. It's impossible to be a happy, contented wife if you not receiving the respect you deserve.Sorry .. life goes like that sometimes... be glad for the lessons you have learned they will help you out in life.PS: Yes, husband lying about staying with some woman, and neglecting to pay parents for a debt that he owes.. most women would find that very hard to accept.
A
female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (7 December 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey everyone, just an update just in case you were wondering...
So I'm in the process of divorcing him... pretty much I got sick and tired of being treated like crap and all of his lies. I completely changed myself for him to be a better person and better wife for him but that meant nothing to him. I can control my anger, I'm a lot more mature and in control of my emotions and treated him so well but it wasn't enough.
I found out by accident that he was on leave already back home in Alaska and hadn't even told me. To make matters worse when I finally got a hold of him he told me he was flying to another state to see some girl and lied about them being just friends. He even lied and told me he was going to stay at a hotel because I got upset that he was originally planning on staying at her apartment. He admitted that he brought up the hotel idea just to shut me up because he didn't want to fight anymore. On top of that he spent his bonus of 10,000 dollars that was supposed to be paid in full to my mother to pay off the truck we bought from her on himself. Just model train stuff, stuff for his car and random stuff... I was so upset because I have been waiting and waiting to finish my degree so that money could have paid for me to finish but nope... he thought his wants were more important than mine and my mother's.
Also he loves to cut me off financially and has done it on numerous occasions so we had a huge fight about making his account joint so I could at least transfer over funds if he was on mission or something. After an hour of going back and forth he gave in and agreed he would give me access. What did he do? He called our bank and told them not to give me access to anything... yup.
The lying, going behind my back and betrayal were the last straw for me. I know I made a lot of mistakes but at least I did everything in my power to make it up to him. He just messed up more and more and even worse. It's still really hard because I know this isn't him. I know it's because of the military and that he just has a lot of problems. I was hoping he would get help and things would get better but I have to have respect for myself and know when to say enough is enough. I mean I know I was the one who cheated first but still, two wrongs don't make a right. And I for one didn't go out looking for it, spend all of our money to fly out to see this guy and then tell lie after lie like he did. Still not saying what I did was right but I'm sure you get my point.
So anyway, I want to thank everyone for your advice and input. It really helped me a lot and right now I'm just trying to be strong and do what's best for me. He keeps trying to suck me back in but I'm trying my hardest to remember that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm just terrified for when he gets home. It's one thing to say we're done when he's never here face to face to me and never calls but once he gets back that's all going to change...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
Remember I mentioned before, he has sadness and worries which have nothing to do with you... I bet he's the kind of guy who if he loves you today, he'll love you tomorrow, that's why he's been able to try to forgive you and come back... as you said, he's even pointed out some issues that he has himself which probably caused you to look for attention somewhere else..
But he's a solider man.. that life is tough.. that's why I want you to speak to other solider families, other women who can help you understand and give you support and hopefully laughs..
Just do your best lady, I can see how much your trying to do the best thing.. :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
"monotone and just emotionless"....
that's what being a solider does to people.. it's not you, it's the job he's doing, he's seen too much unhappiness and therefore needs a lot of loving kindness..
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/About/Announcements.aspx#622
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female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (29 July 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh no I didn't make it clear lol he DOES like that kind of stuff. Like when we were first dating and first got married we were all over each other so I just assumed he would miss that... so I sent him dirty stuff all excited because I thought he would like it! But he wasn't excited... didn't even mention it when I talked to him until I did and when I asked he said he liked it but so monotone and just emotionless... so that's why I got so insecure and worried because he liked all that stuff before but just stopped for some reason. This was before everything happened mind you so it's not because he was hurt or anything.
That's why I stopped and got so upset and disappointed, because there was no reason why he would suddenly stop thinking of me that way :/
Yes I really hope it helps too! Thank you again :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
opps.. he don't like the sexy stuff... ok, some men don't, that's ok... he probably likes women to pretend to be pure.. so do it romantic like instead....
I'm crossing my fingers babes, but whatever happens, this stuff is doing you good, I can see you getting wiser each time you write..
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female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (29 July 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Miamine.... I'm definietly going to try writing those kinds of letters as well as my journal entries of just what I did that day. Just write about the good times we have had when we're together like someone said earlier on here.
I used to be a lot more into it the first deployment. Like I would send him dirty pictures, with my underwear just like you suggested and would try to talk dirty to him on the phone but I stopped because it seemed like he didn't appreciate it. I would get a call and would wait for him to mention the "dirty" care package I sent him but nothing... so eventually I would ask him if he even got it and he would say yeah I did... then nothing... so I'd ask, ok well what did you think?!! It's like WTF?! I would have to beat the answers out of him so in my mind, if he really did like them he would be excited to tell me so! That's where it all began... the coldness and distance. So I stopped sending him stuff because it didn't seem like it made him at all happy or like he appreciated it or anything...
But yeah I'll try the letters thing but won't send him stuff because I don't want to be disappointed again like last time. It's a really good idea and should not only help him remember our times but me also which is going to make me feel better :) Maybe miss him even more but at least have positive feelings towards him again and not bitterness. Thank you!!!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
Sorry... last point from me.. promise.. hahahaha...
If he gets sexy letters everyday from his wife at home, he will make the other soliders jealous.. they will tell him how wonderfull and special his wife is, and they will work to help him fall in love with you again...
He might not notice your kindness, but the other men will... :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
Yep.. like this letter writing thing... people can be honest in letters, people can fall in love with letters...
A guy used to write my mother letters everyday, and she fell in love with him... when she found out who he was, she didn't notice he was ugly, short and bald..
Encourage him to talk about how he feels in letters, make the letters something special, somewhere you two can connect and something that you both look forward to... now if only he will play this letters game too, you might get the sweet words that you are looking for..
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
PS: Ask him to speak to the army chaplin about problems in his marriage... the army can offer help and counselling.. just because he's going away dosen't mean there isn't resources to help both him and you...
Keep on trying babes untill you have to give up, then you'll be able to walk away with pride in your heart, knowing you were the best wife that you could be and you did all you could to make yourself and your husband happy... Divorcing with regrets or things left unsaid really hurts and will hold you back when (if) you find someone else...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
Oh yea.. the aunts are right.. people that are in the army learn to ignore the normal emotions and can react like stone walls.. they have to protect themselves, they see death, destruction and murder every day... a woman who is healthy, in a safe country crying over a couple of bad words.. welll...
Your in a good position, that's probably what he's thinking.. sorry.. loving army people is hard.. :(
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
It's easy for other people to talk about divorce, they don't have to sign the papers, they aren't the people who will end up single with regrets... Marriage is supposed to be for life, not something you dump because you hit a couple of hard points..
Anyway, your not ready to divorce yet, so there's no point discussing advice which dosen't apply to you... and your husband isn't ready for divorce yet either... so lets ignore that one untill things get too much to handle...
Deployment diary... mmmmm... nope babes, I was thinking of something more romantic. As you say, when your together there are some nice times, but then he gets to remembering and he gets nasty and hurtfull... in the long run, if you stay, this nasty hurtfull man will go away and he'll return to the loving man you once married...
Before when I said you had to take the abuse, still treat him right and show him you have changed, well, I went to far with that one... you done enough now to show him how sorry you are... As a human being, even one who has cheated and lied, you deserve respect and kindness...
If he is rude when talking to you, I don't want you to cry... but I do want you to remind him, that you are not a dog and not a child and he needs to speak more respectfully to you if he wants this marriage to continue. Don't shout, don't get upset, but stand your ground and demand that he talks to you in a more respectfull manner if he wants you to continue to try to be nice to him....
About the letters, I want you to remind him of why a loving wife is the best thing in the world... You ever read Scherazade, the girl in the Arabian books, the girl who told 101 stories to get a man's attention...
I want you to send him a romantic, very sexy story every single day... go wild and fantasie... tell him how much you miss him and love him, but tell him you'd rather share your sexy thoughts with him, so you don't have no time to waste with other men...
This might work babygirl... He's scared and jealous that you might do him wrong again, so he's being nasty, so if you leave or if you cheat, then his heart will be protected.. he's expecting things to go wrong when he goes away... we are gonna write him sexy stories, we are gonna send him sexy pictures, put some underwear in as well... we gonna show him that a good army wife gets lonely and thinks of sex (of course she does) but she can wait for a man to get home and spend her time thinking of him...
Write everyday.... 15months of daily letters... think that might help to reinforce the love that still exists in your marriage...
He's scared that you won't be there ater 15months, that's why he acts so nasty and pushes you away.. we just got to find a way to break down his walls and get him trusting again..
You of course need good friends and entertainment to stop you getting lonely.... Look on the internet for armywives and join one of them groups.. I also want you to check up on your girlfriends, women at work, or get yourself a hobby or do some voluntary stuff, maybe join a church... Surround yourself with some good women friends, so you will have people to go out with, people to talk to, and someone to turn to when your getting lonely...
How does this sound dear army wife, do you think any of this will help?
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 July 2010):
 I'm going to have to side with CaringGuy on this one. There are too many factors working against you right now. I have all of the respect for our men and women in the service, but them being enlisted effects not just them but the people around them. There are some women out there who are capable of spending months or longer alone raising their children while their husband is deployed. This is what CaringGuy refers to as an army wife. But there are other women that just aren't capable of that. Women need love and attention. YOU need love and attention, and I don't blame you for that. It's not a character flaw.
Yes, you cheated. But it sounds like you've already admitted your mistake and are trying to make things right. And I feel bad saying this, but as long as your husband is in the service I doubt things will change. You want him there, and you need him there. He's not. If he were out of the service, I'd suggest counseling but it doesn't even sound like he wants to try.
A marriage takes 2 to work. Ok, you cheated... but if he can't live with that then he's gotta just end it between you two. You are trying to work it out and meet him halfway, but if he's not willing to do the same then as CaringGuy said: Your Marriage is Over.
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female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (28 July 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaringguy, yes I know there's a chance something bad could happen if I talk to other guys. That's why I don't want to! Yeah it might be innocent at first but it's putting myself in a stupid situation where things could happen and I might be too weak to say no again so I'm trying my hardest. A part of me wishes I could explain this to my husband but he won't understand and I don't want him to think I'm going to cheat again so I don't... I just don't know how to get my point across that I do need to hear things from him, I do need to feel loved and appreciated and like I mean something to someone. I put everything I have into this relationship but I feel like it's all for nothing. Ugh!
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female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (28 July 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaringguy, that's what I'm afraid of... the fact that we can't get help now so eventually I'll get tired of trying so hard and being treated this way and leave so I try to tell myself that it will pass and I just have to deal with it until he gets home but it's a lot harder than I thought.
Miamine, I know he loves me because he didn't have to come back to me but he did anyway to try to make things work. And I guess I already kinda knew that the reason he's being so hurtful is because maybe when I'm not around he has time to think? Where as when we're together we're just enjoying our time? So when he remembers what happened he becomes bitter. Again like I said I don't blame him! My thing is, how are we supposed to move on with him not wanting to let it go? He says he hates fighting yet he causes about 99% of them now. Um, well I write him everyday just about what I did that day and such in our deployment journal that I thought up. I'm just waiting for him to finally call and give me his address so I can send it along with 3 care packages I put together for him... see the nice things I do for him? And this the treatment I get in return? :(
He was NEVER distant before the Army. It started about halfway through the first deployment, he got really cold and distant and it was like being married to a wall... zero emotion even when I would cry he wouldn't respond or say anything. Like last week when he called me and was mean I started crying and again he didn't say anything to comfort me so I asked him, "doesn't it hurt you to hear your wife crying?! Why aren't you saying anything to me?!!" And his response was, "It's because I'm used to it so I don't really care." :( :( :( He's just so mean...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 July 2010):
And this unloved and unappreciated feeling? Has he always treated you this way? Was he distant before you did the cheating thing?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 July 2010):
How good are you at letter writing? Are you any good at telling stories and fairy tales?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 July 2010):
Congratulations Babymonkey, I can hear the change in you and I'm very impressed.
Of course you got to fight for your guy, of course you got to do your best to save your marriage, you love him and I think he probably loves you.
He could have walked away, but he didn't. That means he wants to try to fix things too. But he's probably still hurt and angry.
Let's not look as deployment as a bad thing, perhaps space apart will give you both time to think.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 July 2010):
It's not the cheating that will wreck this marriage anyway. It's the fact that he's away when he needs to be fixing it with you. Unless he's there, unless he's with you and unless you are both making effort, there is no chance. No matter how much you try, if all he does is scream at you, at some point it will fall apart. I mean, you say you won't cheat, I right now I believe that. But if you talk to this guy, get drawn in and he starts saying good things, and you are receptive then it will turn into an emotional affair, and maybe go further.
The fact is, unless he and you can actually sit down and talk with a counsellor, he will continue to treat you this way, and at some point it will end. There's no avoiding it.
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female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (28 July 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe wanted to go to marital counseling before he left but we were about to turn in divorce papers so he put the paperwork through with the Army to send me home so by the time he changed his mind it was too late so I was sent home so we never got the chance to go. We do both want to go to counseling when he comes home and we know we need it so I told him that all we can do now is get through this deployment and how we do that is just put everything in the past on hold and just be good to each other. He wasn't the only one who got hurt... there's a lot of forgiving I have to do to and not just forgive him but forgive myself which I find is much harder. I've already pretty much let all the things he did to me go but forgiving myself is another thing.... I'm just not that person to betray someone like that... I hate myself for it...
As for our marriage being over, I just can't except it. Not saying I'm in denial, what I'm saying is I don't give up. I meant my vows... through thick and thin, till death do us part. I am more than willing to fight for the one I love so no my marriage isn't over until we both say it is..... Sadly enough when he treats me like crap I get so hurt but I feel like I deserve it.... I seriously can't even think about forgiving myself even though I know I have to in order to completely move on from this.
Oh and just to we're all on the same page because I guess it made it sound like I was tempted to cheat again. That's not the case... I was tempted to talk to another guy. Just have someone to talk to, go out with and enjoy each other's company and just have some guy tell me good things about me like I'm cute or fun to be around... things I don't hear from my husband... That's what I meant, not tempted to go out and sleep with someone... never again. I can promise that.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 July 2010):
Your marriage is over. Period. That's it. This is a clear sign now of two things.
First of all, your husband is an army man and will have seen things you can't even imagine. Unfortunately, this means that the only way he can deal with it is to act this way. He treats you like dirt, because it relieves the huge stress he is under. That is not an excuse for his behaviour. But there is an explanation. He has done nothing to change his ways, and will continue to treat you this way, all the time.
Secondly, you've cheated. And you're on the verge of cheating again. You're not an army wife. There is no way that you are going to be able to handle this for the rest of your married life. Every time he goes away, you'll cheat because you'll have this same feeling over and over.
It's time to stop being a cheat on your part, and it's time to stop taking poor treatment from your husband. It's time to end this marriage and move on.
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female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (27 July 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's my fault and I know I'm a piece of crap so I don't need you to tell me :( That's why I'm trying to get help and trying to understand what's wrong with me...
Yes he knows my needs and I can understand him trying to insulate himself from being hurt but I'm trying... I'm sincerely trying to be better for him and have come so far but it's like he just doesn't care.
I don't want to go into any "adulterous ways" but this is the same thing that happened the first time that made me insecure with myself, with my marriage and with just pretty much everything so I was very weak. And then my friend came around and for once I felt happy but then well, you know what happened. My husband told me that he knows me and knows that that's not the type of person I am. To go out and looking for a good time and he knows how sorry I am so that's why he came back. He knows that he had a big part in what happened and accepts it. That's why I'm so confused though.. if he knows how it happened then why is he making the same mistakes where as I'm trying to prevent it from happening?
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Maybe he becomes cold and distant when away to insulate himself against being hurt again. I can understand why you feel confused because his behaviour is very confusing. Have you talked to him about your need to be loved and how he makes you feel when he's away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): It's your fault, stick it out for another five months, that's how he will know you're sincere, ytou must be weak willed if ur already about to slip back into your adulterous ways . Xx
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