A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is sleep deprived. He gets about 4 hours of sleep per night. It's almost like a badge of honor for him that he works nights. He often talks about "day" people who get up in the morning, go to work and come home and eat dinner like they are inferior to him and just follow a routine like zombies. I find it quite annoying because I am one of the "day people", although he always says he means everybody else and not me...wierd. Anyway, he works a second job which is why he doesn't sleep enough hours. He is constantly trying to make more money. He makes plenty of money, but is worried that there will come a day where he won't have as much or enough, but it doesn't appear to me that he's making any effort to save any of it. He buys what he wants when he wants. BUT if the subject comes up he will tell me that he doesn't have enough money for an engagement ring for me. (We've been dating for over 2 years). Recently he was talking about how he's saved a significant amount of money and that he wants to invest about half of it into some retirement fund. This is in addition to a significant amount of money he put into the fund in the autumn. I really wanted to say something about how I thought he said he doesn't have enough money for an engagement ring, but I didn't. If I bring up our future, he says I'm pressuring him. But if we don't talk about our future enough, he says I seem disinterested in our future. If I tell him a story about someone I know, he often wants to know why we talk about other people's lives and not ours. But like I said, if I do talk about ours, he feels pressured. We have discussed getting married. There was a time when I wanted that. I still think I want that. But I'm not sure I want it with him anymore. He is too stressed and when he's sleep deprived (most of the time) he's not very nice. It's not that he's not nice TO me (although sometimes that's true), but he's just not nice in general. Everything and I mean EV-ER-Y-THING is a problem. He gripes about everything. He's always saying "of course the coffee has to spill! Of course!" and "of course the phone is ringing now just when I'm sitting down!" and "sure this guy has to be driving so slow in front of me!"...this is all day long. I usually try to sympathize or just keep quiet because I know this is due to his stress and lack of sleep, but it is weighing on me. Sometimes I will eventually say something. Recently I said "Joe, please!" and he lost his marbles. Said I was treating him like a child and basically saying that he is a big baby. When all I really meant was to stop because I had taken about 36 hours of this kind of talk and I would just feed the cats so he could go up to bed. Things haven't been the same since then. He said he's sick of everything being his fault and we need to talk about our relationship. Should I have a talk with him about our relationship? Should I just cut my losses? He's been saying that things will calm down eventually and that we will spend more time together eventually. It's been 2 years. It's actually gotten worse. I think part of it is that he feels comfortable enough to treat me however he wants. I don't see it getting better. And the fact that he cant afford a ring, but can afford air conditioners, cars, meals out all the time (rarely with me), etc. is weighing on me. I read somewhere "tell me what you spend your money on and I will tell you what's important to you". I don't think I'm important to him.
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female
reader, terradoll +, writes (14 March 2013):
Please please please do not take this the wrong way... but it sounds like (excuse the cliche)he is not that into you. And I truly do not mean that to sound like there is something is wrong with you. You sound like an intelligent and empowered woman. Some guys need to be with women that they feel more powerful than, both physically and professionally. But many don't. Move on!I have been through a series of relationships in my life that, although not exactly the same as the way you described, came back to me in full vivid memory as I read your post. 3-10 yrs later these guys are still single and unhappy, with no signs of getting married.I think a lot of is the idea that you cant be happy with life until you are happy with yourself. A guy working two jobs who (forgive me for sounding judgmental) seems socially/financially insecure isn't going to offer you what you need or deserve. He may also be intimidated by your success (academically and/or financially) and confidence. You sound like you really have it together and may need to meet and fall in love with someone more your "equal."PM me if you want to chat.I learned these lessons the hard way.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Hi
I think the man deserves a medal. Working nights messes up everything mind,body,life add to this a 2nd job and he must be totally worn out,suffering sleep deprivation constantly.I don't blame him eating out and buying a car or whatever am just surprised he has the time!
I don't know if he has been unemployed,making him want to earn and save frantically now or if he is simply a workaholic.It is now affecting you and the relationship though
I would forget the engagement ring, you don't sound in a good place for that next step anyway.
Your not happy with him as things are,feel neglected, so the priority is to talk,to sort out if he actually *wants* a future with you AND decide if *you* even want one with him. Maybe compramise on both sides is the answer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2013):
 If in the first two years you have issues, these will be the issues you will continue to have, only they will be magnified and become even more intolerable as time passes.
And the fun stuff (if there is any) will continue to fall by the wayside.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I am the original poster of this question.Thanks, all for your time and helpful answers.I just have to reply to the one poster who told me that a man is not a financial plan and that I should figure out how to support myself. Not only do I recall askig how to get this guy to pay my bills but I do not live with the boyfriend..have never lived with a boyfriend, have my own house, a Masters degree, a professional job, and I have my life in order. I pay at least my half when we go out and take care of him very nicely when it comes to gifts for ocassions and just for no reason. It's so disheartening when you ask a question on here and one jerk has to go and call you basically a gold digger because you would like to get married. For the record, I would be happy with a small ring, a ring that's not a diamond, or even a "fake" ring. Because I'm interested in what the ring means (love and commitment) NOT some fancy piece of jewelry that I can wave around to impress others.I think this guy loves me. I also think that he cannot possibly think clearly, be level headed, or even rational on a steady diet of a few hours of sleep each day. This is his normal and he thinks he can handle it because it's all he knows. From an outsiders perspective it is clear that he cannot handle it. I guess my decision lies in whether or not he can or will see it from any other perspecitve other than his own.I DO NOT ask him or bother him about engagement. I want a man who wants me all on his own, not one I have to badger into being with me. I am a good person. I am smart. I am attractive. I have my life in order and I am not desperate.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 March 2013):
He obviously is perfectly able to afford a ring. When he says he can't afford one, what he's really saying is the ring is less important to him than the money in the bank.
Your situation appears to be fine with him because it doesn't cost him money.
You have options:
Stop talking about an engagement ring and accept that your future isn't a priority for him.
Tell him you don't want to continue waiting for the next stage in your life. If he's not ready to take things to the next level, that's his choice, but you don't want to wait any longer.
Based on how you described things, I get the feeling you're nagging him. Maybe you should try approaching the subject differently.
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A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (13 March 2013):
 WOW he sounds like a lot of fun!!! I am sure at the beginning of your relationship he must of had the time and money to get you more interested in him as well as there is something about him today that warms your heart. Though he seems like a lot of work to date even if he is emotionally vacant. So this is pretty simple. If he is willing to have a "Sit Down" with you and discuss your relationship, then do it. That is the perfect time to stand your ground of what you want for your future. In your description of him he sounds like he has gained control of the relationship and has taken it for granted by putting money in front of it. Not that being successful is a bad thing, but he is missing some fundamental parts of success. Support, Passion and most important Love.... He has it, but is not willing to work for it as hard as he is willing to work to make money. This is more important then just getting the ring, because neither of you should take your relationship for granted. You want to get that ring under the right circumstances and it's to represent what your commitment to each other is. Asking for it gives him the control of what your answer is going to be, and he can think time is on his side. However if you feel he is stringing you along, then you have to make the bold decision of moving forward with your life. Don't settle because you spent the time, settle because your time was well spent.I hope this helps.... Keep Love Alive!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): This guy does sound like he's under a lot of stress. He's got a girl friend who's anxious for an engagement ring, doesn't believe he can afford it, seems to think he's pampering himself by going out to eat between two jobs, and he has a girlfriend who seems disappointed no matter how hard he tries.
To be fair, I'm taking a devil's advocate position, but I suspect you're correct and this guy is exhausted and not himself. You are saying you are considering splitting with him. If you loved him, I would say this would be a decision between deciding whether you want to get engaged and acquire a ring or whether you want to spend time with a man who makes less money and can't afford that ring.
When you decide, you should probably let him know.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2013):
 You are in the honeymoon period… this is as good as it's going to get. If you are happy with the things the way they are, then fine. If you are not happy, then take the steps you need to take to change things.
You could try to bring in a third-party mediator, in the form of a couples counselor. However, he has to want to go with you to work on things.
From the way you've written about him, I'd say this relationship is over except for the final speech.
One of the aunts here likes to say, 'stop rowing the relationship boat' and see what happens.
I'd be out of there, personally. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (13 March 2013):
 HI
Hun I think you should cut your losses and move on. He don't want marriage it's obvious, you would have DEFINATELY had a ring by now if so. Also with his attitude towards everything it will just wear you down to the point of hating eachother. you can't keep blaming his sleep deprivation for his selfish behaviour, as it seems its all about him. You deserve more from a relationship, why wait another 2 yrs ?
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 This man sounds dreadful. You never listed one single positive trait about him, only he makes a lot of money but you can't touch any of it. I think he tricked you into thinking that marriage is a good thing since it is a hard goal to reach and it's about time.
How he talks about other people is how he will eventually talk about you. He will gripe about everything you do. I think part of the reason why he works so much is because he can't sleep. Maybe he has racing thoughts at night about how to make more money. You should move on because you are in the way of him making and saving money. You don't sound like you love him so don't even talk about marrying him.
As you said he complains about everything so not talking about marriage is a problem too, not that he actually wants marriage.
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