A
female
age
51-59,
*alo3six
writes:Sister didn't invite me to her birthday but instead asked me to watch her kids. Advise please.So recently, i got a text from my sister asking me if i could mind her kids on a Saturday night for her birthday (which at the time was about 6 weeks away, now about 5 or so). I asked what Saturday (presuming she was doing something on A Saturday night and was asking me to mind them as a birthday gift to her), the date i got back was her actual birthday. This was closely followed by a text about how a friend was planning her birthday and they were all hoping to go out if they could find a sitter for the kids. I text back "family not invited then". Reply was "yeah, didn't think that through very well, followed by if the couldn't find sitters, she'd ask if i (and my dad) could come along as it would be held at the organiser's place and she didn't think the organiser would have a problem with that. WTF. Why WOULD she! It's my sister's b'day. She then said we would do something the next day - gee thanks, followed by another text saying "so you'll be busy either way, unless you're already busy and have plans" Wtf does that even MEAN, why would i be busy either way! Yes, i did have plans, plans that involved me celebrating my sister's birthday with her. I simply cannot comprehend why i would not be part of this. Anywho... i'm really upset that my own SISTER hasn't invited my to her birthday, instead straight away relegating me to babysitter. Tbh, i don't know if it was just that she doesn't think i'm important enough to be included, or if it was the organizer that didn't think it necessary to invite me, either way, it felt like an actual massive kick in the guts and i'm still really depressed about it. I feel rejected, excluded and not valued. I would NEVER plan to do something for my birthday, and not invite my sister and her partner. And none of my friends would plan something for me either and not invite them, if they did, i would correct that. They would be at the top of the list. If nothing else, i could have at least been invited, and if i declined (due to financial reasons) THEN they might've asked me to babysit, but to essentially say "hey, i'm doing something for my birthday, you're not invited, can you babysit" really hurts and i think it was a really crap thing to do. I've not said anything to her yet, because i need to calm down, as i said, i'm still upset and really down about the whole thing.Any advice out there for me. I'd really appreciate it.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 As one of the anons remarks, the answer to this question would be very different according to many, many different variables ,personal experiences and personal,and family, values .
As for me, personally , I would not see what the big deal is, at all- and I would be very glad to comply with my sister's request ( of course, if I had no previous plans and if no huge sacrifice of time, money and peace of mind was required :) I never said I am Mother Theresa :), in order to let HER celebrate HER birthday in the form, way and shape SHE likes.
I did it, as a matter of fact !, although I was babysitting not my sister's kids, but her very lovable dog- piece of cake.
I have a good relationship with my sister, she is actually one of the persons I most respect and admire - nevertheless it simply would never cross my mind to insist to have her share my birthday celebrations, or worse , insist to join hers. We have a 7 year age difference, we have different tastes, personalities, likes and dislikes, I have got my own social circle, she's got hers. If she goes out with her circle to have fun, I don't feel as if I am missing much personally, and I am happy if she can have a special night doing what she likes best in the venue and company she likes best ; and she's likewise with me.
I think the problem is that you seem to have very set,rigid rules about HOW birthdays in the family SHOULD be celebrated, rules that do not particularly take into account the birthday person's wishes , preferences or even whims- and you seem not to consider that : 1) SHOULD is a notorious killjoy, if there's a should is not a celebration anymore, it's a chore 2 ) a sibling can have different wishes and preferences , or even whims, regarding her/his entertainment and social life, without for this being a traitor of the family bond, or a bad , insensitive person.
For instance : suppose that sis and her friends have in mind a sort of " Sex and the City " night out. With this, I do not mean going wild, getting outrageously drunk, taking drugs, or hooking up with sailors on shore leave.
But maybe they want to have a girls'night out trading bawdy jokes and saucy stories , and exchange gossips and little secrets...an innocuous equivalent of locker room talk, or a " back to high school " moment .
Well, if you bring in yourself, and, worse, your dad, it's clear that the atmosphere and mood will change , they'll have to mind their Ps and Qs , they 'll have to keep the conversation polite and general, say, about the weather and stuff like that; they can't possibly share with your dad that great story about some past sexual exploits , etc.etc.
I also disagree with the poster who says " they need to make the party kids friendly ". These are all women with kids, and ,very possibly, they are immersed in kids up to the wazoo- maybe the celebration, ideally, would exactly consist in doing something adults only for a change ! Personally, I had only one child, but very sociable , with playdates sleepovers and whatnot almost every day ; my house was brimming with kids for years , which was ok because they were mostly nice, good kids and because my son was happy so I was happy. Nevertheless , if I had been asked to celebrate my birthday in a kid-friendly way, I would have said thanks but no thanks, I'd rather not celebrate at all, then. A celebration has some sense if you do something special and exciting, not if it's just an extension of daily routine !
Finally, call me a bitch bit if I were the host / organizer of the birthday party, no, I would not like it a bit being forced/ suggested / cornered into whom to invite. Well, if the birthday girl asked me to have her relatives over, I suppose I'd be a coward and say yes… ( it's hard to refuse the birthday girl something ) but I would be annoyed and I'd find it pushy. Heck,if I give you my premises, and my time resources effort , perhaps money too, to give a party for you- in change be kind enough to let ME be the host and decide who I want there in my house , or not. I may have a limit on the number of people, or the number of available seats, - I may want to keep the party for all females only, or only for people within a certain age range, or only for people who know each other well, etc.etc.etc. Whatever it is the rationale I have in mind, kindly let me do my thing as I see fit . Or else , next time, you host and organize your party as YOU see fit.
Conclusion : Ok, if it were you, you'd act differently, and if it was your birthday you' d organize it differently.
But it's not - SHE is the birthday girl. Won't you try to stretch out of your comfort zone, and let go of your " rules " about family birthdays- to just let her have fun her way, and do something which she clearly would enjoy ? No guilt trips , no snarkiness, no mopey faces ?
That would be a great , fantastic birthday gift. Much better than any gift certificate or make up or .. whatever you usually give her for her birthday.
Of course, if you don't feel like babysitting , don't do it. Say a white lie about previous plans, or say the truth, that you'd do her this kind of favour only for a real emergency , not for her night out with her friends.
But if possible , try to keep in check your bitterness, and your ego. I hope you won't really want to fall out with your sister , just because she is not you and has different ideas about what constitutes an unexcapable family obligation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2018): The answer to this question depends on your family dynamics and closeness and family traditions and family baggage. For example, are you close to your sister? As in close like best friends and you all hang out with the same friends? And you’ve usually spent birthdays in the past together? Etc etc.
Personally, I don’t think it’s that big a deal she’s asking you for this favor. But that’s because I’m looking at it from my own family history, dynamics, baggage, closeness etc. But I do notice that you must be close enough for your sister to ask and trust you to watch her kids.
Maybe she could have asked a better way, true.
But were you planning to do something for her that specific night and do you normally? If not then let it go. Let her have fun on her birthday and do something nice for her birthday another day. We don’t keep iou lists with family but you can always rely on her too when you need her in the future :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): Hi
My sister and I are extremely close, she is my best friend. We are both in our fifties now.
I am a bit of a loner and she has lots of friends.
Last year one of her friends organised a trip away for the two of them which included being away for her birthday. I didn't think twice about it. We would do something else another day.
I understand that your scenario is rather different but if one, or some of my sister's friends had organised something for her birthday and I wasn't included I don't think I would be that bothered either. Again we would do something a different day.
I don't think she would feel the same way however. I think she would be more like you. Which I find rather tiring.
Just let her do what her friends have organised for her and don't make it difficult for her. I very much doubt that she wanted you not to go but if her friends have done this for her then wish her a lovely evening. Whether you babysit or not is another matter and entirely up to you of course.
I used to have a boyfriend that my sister didn't like and boy, did I dread birthdays and Christmas! She wanted me to herself and he wanted me to himself. My sister made it very uncomfortable for them to be in the same room as each other.
Maybe this is why I sympathize a little with your sister. They have organised this and not her so it's not her fault.
Try and see it from her point of view if I am correct about the situation. Don't make her feel bad.
Maybe you could find out why she is going out on her birthday without you. Who planned it and how she feels about it. Maybe she feels guilty, but is in an awkward situation.
She'll love you all the more for being understanding.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 I get that your sister was pretty tactless, but why can't you arrange to do something together for her birthday, but on a different day? You're adults. Her friend is organising something for her - you didn't think of doing anything until someone else did first and you weren't invited....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): Is your sister single? To me it looks like a guy has planned something for her birthday and she is going out just with him and doesn’t want to tell you?! If she is not single and this is not the case then it’s really odd that other people are invited and her family are not included.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 Much depends on the relationship you have with your sister.
For example, I am the oldest by several years. While I did socialize with my sisters in adulthood some of the time, most things they did together (they were closer in age) and with their friends. I knew (or assumed) that if I had wanted to join them I could (and would have) just asked. Not a big deal.
And unless it's a benchmark birthday (30,40 etc) or one year they just wanted to do something special (besides going to a bar), a card and perhaps a small gift was enough. Even if it's a 'big' birthday, if the plan is to spend it at a bar - I'll pass. Anyone who measures my value to them in shot glasses is someone I can do without.
So, I guess I'm saying that I don't have to be part of my sisters' birthday parties or friend events to know I am one of them. If I wanted to attend, I would just say so without all the catty one liners.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 Well if who ever is organizing it in there own home then I would completely understand why she wouldn't want to go and invite people. Obviously her friend is organizing this as a way to celebrate her birthday and well at the end of the day it is her birthday and it is up to her who she wants to celebrate it with, at the end of the day you could have organized to do something with her, but it was her friend who did instead. If you don't want to babysit fine, but don't fall out over something like this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 Yikes, OP
You sister is pretty tactless! Sorry, I'd let her know that I can't babysit that day. It's not like she couldn't tell the "organizer" hey do you mind inviting my sister too? But she didn't even think about that, she only thought - party - great - oh need a baby sitter and not only a sitter but someone who will do it for free!.....
Wow...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): "No I can't babysit, I'll be busy celebrating your birthday with you and your friends."
"Nope, don't feel comfortable babysitting so 'mommy' can get her party on."
"Can't I'll be busy. Doing what? Just busy."
"Huh, why not explain to your friend that they need to make the party kid-friendly so you won't need a sitter?"
"I'd love to -what's the going rate again? $20 an hour per kid? So long as you pay up front I'm game"
Any one of those is good enough to get the message across.
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