A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI need a bit of clarity about my relationship with my ex and I also want to know if you guys think I have done the right thing, because at the moment I an questioning it..please bear with me as this is quite long! Two years ago I met my male friend X. my male friend X was lovely, kind hearted, absolutely adored me. He had been out of a long relationship for 2 years when he met me, he was living at his parents house and has 3 kids from a previous relationship. The eldest is not his...I had my own place and everything was lovely to begin with. He ended up staying every night, he had no spare money but worked full time and wanted a part time job..he found one in the same town as me, so he could be close. However, when he started working, I suggested that we should start saving our money (just a little) to get somewhere eventually. However, he started to earn a lot more than me and as he was staying most nights, I asked him for some money to help me pay the bills, which he said yes to but never did. Anyway, his ex partner got involved and caused a lot of drama for my friend X and myself. He then told me 9 months into the relationship that they had been declared bankrupt, but did not want to tell me because he was ashamed as I am very practical with my money. I told him it was fine and that things like that can be overcome. There were little white lies that he told me such as never telling me he went out for the day with his ex and kids (it would not have bothered me in the slightest). We then decided we wanted to go on holiday, however I advised him that he needed to get rid of his small credit card debt.. he gave me the money and I also went to the bank to pay it off for him. He then saved money for us to go on holiday, however I lent him £100 as he did not have enough. 2 years on, and I have just got this back. When we moved in together, the real trouble started...His ex would not allow the kids to come to us, even though they loved me as I did them, she was jealous and poisonous. She even threw her eldest out the house, he has not spoken to her in 7 months. Then Social Care got involved. I work in SC, so I knew what was going to happen. I supported by boyfriend and gave him tips, such as getting legal advice, however, although he fought back with her, she would also win eventually. He never ever took my advice on how to deal with her, he always fought a little, then lost his back bone and gave in. There were so many times that I wasn't allowed to go to anything that the kids where involved with, because of her. The last straw came when him and his whole family (not the ex) went on holiday and he thought it would be a good idea that I stayed at home. I was miserable. I had no friends in this new town, I never saw him because he was either working or with the kids and then when she finally gave in and let them stay with us, I still had to go and sleep on his parents floor because he wanted to stay there (I understand why he did this, because the kids wanted to see their nan and granddad and the eldest was now being looked after by them). I know he loved/loves me.. I truly do, but he took me for granted, I saved £500 per month for our future, he saved nothing, I always ended up paying for things, but I grew resentful, because on top of his child maintenance, he was paying for his ex's car from years ago...which is now coming to an end..I loved his kids like my own, did stuff with them...took pictures of them (because he belived that he did not need a camera, because his memories are in his head).I then got more stressed, because his ex was getting more in trouble with Social Care..his family constantly went on about her but told me I was the best thing in his life. So in a nutshell: 1. I was the only one planning our future2. I was left on my own whilst he was having all the fun. 3. When trouble started, I felt physically sick and drained4. He saw me as being a bank. 5. I had to run the whole house (including bills)6. When he suggested going away for the weekend, who paid the hotel room? Not him. The funny thing was though, the red alarm bells started ringing when his parents asked for him to do a job for them (they are both early 70s) and he shrugged it off. He asked them for money on several occasions and said he doesn't need to pay them back...I want marriage and kids, but he always told me he wanted to, but never "got round to it". He never married his ex, but gave her 2 kids (he also said, that those years were awful, so why did he not wear a condom? He said she just controlled everything), he then told me, she took loans out in his name, hence why he went bankrupt...He always went on about having a big wedding, savings for a mortgage (when I met him, he was going to get a council house), new job (which I tried to help him get but he wasn't interested, so I gave up). It was all words, but no action. He was also offered an engagement ring for me, but he refused and told me I would not have liked the ring..However, I have now broken up with him and he was devastated. Letters, texts ect ect...he has now moved out and got his own place. I always wanted him to appreciate money and now he has taken steps to do this, instead of relying on his lovely mum and me. The day came when I broke it off with him, because I had been questioning leaving for around 2 months, I spoke to him about our problems, but he chose to ignore them. His daughter had a dance show, she wanted me there, he asked his ex for tickets (including for me), which she said no too...I do not understand why he could not have got them for himself...I told him, that the ex will not stop as you are feeding her attention. Get legal advice and get Social Care to help. I also work with Social Care, and I needed to be protected, but he never thought about this until I said so. He is now on friendly terms with me (4 weeks after the split) as I am with him...he is a nice guy, but just too naïve and wants a mother figure. Now, I am questioning things. Why? I am 33, single and scared...
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bankrupt, condom, debt, his ex, jealous, money, moved in, moved out, my ex, on holiday, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (22 August 2013):
 I would first advise that if he wants a mom then thats weird in itself. Next advise let him get his golden eggs in order. I dont want a mom type dad type prince type princess either a king or queen just me and my money health without the forces of others. I look at it like him if you go be in my life you go pay or I dont need you right now especially if you taken. I have had money come and go and its a pitiful shame to be needing and no one has for you all of a sudden when your at a low needy point. So lessoned learned get life and money in order first before love and marriage
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): Good for you!
Good luck!I'm starting over too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - what a thoughtful post. I just needed a bit of clarity, but when I re-read it, I was shocked at myself! Thank you again...moving out soon to start a whole new chapter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): Your fear is well-substantiated!
Single and over 30 seems to make a lot of people over-look red-flags. They plan and have dreams. When they see these dreams fading; they get desperate, and by-pass common-sense.
They settle.
They cling to whatever they have, no matter how impractical and flawed it may be. When it comes to relationships; the "bird in the hand" philosophy does not apply.
You don't get a bucket, and stay on a sinking ship. You bail out.
You can list several reasons life will fail with this guy, and ask if you should be scared? I'm scared for you!
You know exactly what the outcome will be. Don't live in denial of the facts.
You should be looking someplace else for a man with character, a warm heart, good job, and good credit.
Try starting out with a man with adult children, and no "baby-mama-drama."
Settling for a certified-loser and telling yourself you love him; because you're tired of looking for a good man is bull-crap. The guy has failed in too many areas before. You can do bad alone. You don't need help.
You gave it a try. The end result is your post.
If you didn't have first-hand evidence and you were 21, I'd give you benefit of the doubt; for the lack of experience.
I read posts from men and women over 30 or 40; and they settle for people that maturity should have taught them to avoid, many failed relationships (and a divorce) ago.
Sometimes the fear of loneliness overrides our better judgment. The loss of hope, deceives us into believing we'll never find the right person before we're too old.
We become cynical, and conclude this is the best you can do.
Read your horror-story, and ask yourself if you really deserve to be scared "anymore"?
You have your dignity and sanity in tact. This is the end of that chapter. You are still young and shouldn't deprive yourself of something good any longer.
LET HIM GO!
Get back to your life, save yourself.
Good women like you are always taken. Too often by the wrong men!!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (21 August 2013):
 I can understand that you are scared but you are obviously an educated, intelligent and sensible woman.
Imagine your letter was written by a friend of yours, not you. What would you think hun?
This man is totally, and has been, taking advantage of you and your good nature. He's selfish, miserly and (I think) a liar. If he loved/loves you he would have been honest from the beginning and would not have lied to you about an alleged bankruptcy.
If he was bankrupted he couldn't possibly have a credit card debt because the debt would have been written off and he would not be able to get credit anywhere else.
How can he afford to go on holiday with his kids? His attitude to their conception is disgusting. No wonder his ex is so difficult, he's probably not supporting them financially, despite what he might tell you. If his ex has not taking out a restraining on you there is nothing stopping you attending her daughters' dance recital. He could have purchased tickets direct from the school not his ex so why didn't he? Because he didn't want to go!
If he's such a great guy how can he not take care of his parents needs.
I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a scrounger and certainly not husband and father material to me.
I think you know that you have a had a lucky escape.
Don't be scared love, be strong, you have your own place to live, a very worthwhile job and you're clearly a warm, generous and caring lady. Go out with friends from work, make new friends, fill your time with hobbies and such. Live your life hun, you deserve marriage and children and all that you want but you deserve to share it with a man who loves and deserves you too.
Please don't feel guilty about his upset either. Of course he's upset, you were his free home, meal ticket, child minder and lover. You're worth so much more x
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