A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey-My brother went away on a trip and had me come and feed the fish at his place while he was gone. I'll admit I did a bit of snooping and found his password to his email...What I found shocked me! He has been having sex with another guy quite regularily, whats worse is this guy he does it with is 56 and my brother is 23 even worse than that he calls my brother sweetie. I was really grossed out about it all. Could he be gay or just bi? He's dated girls before but it seemed like he never dated someone for very long. Even if he was either, my brother is a good looking guy why would he be doing stuff with a 56 y/o? So do I confront him about this to tell him how gross this is? I'm also worried he could get an STD. I asked my friend what she thought I should do and told me not to say anything because I snooped and shouldn't have invaded his privacy. I'm also upset cause he lied to me and said he had to go on a trip for work but found out he's out on a trip with this old guy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2013):
 OP I see your follow up….
“Ok I get it I shouldn't have snooped! But my thought is something has to be totally wrong for him to be doing this which is why I think I should maybe confront him about it. I mean come on doing it with a 56 y/o when your 23? He could need couseling/therapy. I was thinking about writing him a letter so save on any embarassment.”
And I now realize what’s bugging you is not that he’s dating a man… but that he’s dating AN OLDER man… As the OLDER partner in my marriage I want to address the common misconception that we can only love and be partnered with folks in our age range.
So if he was 23 and the guy was 43 I guess it would still bug you… What about 33 to 23? I know that the argument by many is that “BUT its such a big difference what could they have in common?” The answer is… LOTS of things… and again it’s NONE of your business if he does not wish to share.
You say that there has to be something totally wrong with your brother and he needs therapy because he can manage to not be prejudiced against a guy due to AGE?
Maybe they like the same music? Maybe they like the same TV shows? Maybe they play the same games? Maybe they just enjoy each other’s company and don’t plan to get serious… in which case… that’s why he’s not telling you.
I HATE being the older partner in my marriage. I was dragged kicking and screaming into a serious relationship with my now husband. I’m a MERE THIRTEEN years older than he is and it’s horrible for me some days. I hate being called “cougar” I hate the folks that always say “you go girl” as if bagging an younger partner was an accomplishment. Those of us who are in our 50s worry about things like dying, hearing, mobility, health…etc. Being with a much younger partner often brings those things out for many of us and we tend to avoid it.
Nowhere have I ever seen a rule that says “You must be the same age/generation as your partner in order for it to work”
You really have no clue what’s going on or why…. And I fear that you may never know. I get that you are worried but I think your fears are misplaced.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2013): I think you are the one who needs therapy since you have a need to control other people, judge them, and violate their boundaries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2013): How can you even consider confronting him? He hasn't done anything wrong! How has he wronged you in any way?? Why do you want to personally attack him and create conflict for no reason?
Also what is this about "is he gay or just bi? " What business is it of yours? And why do you think being bi is better than gay? I suppose you think you are better than him because you are straight? I suppose you think that for you to have sex with a guy is not disgusting just because it is what you like but what other people like is disgusting? Its because of people like you that he keeps his relationship secret.
How would you like it if he told you that your relationship with your partner is disgusting and that you need therapy? And without you ever asking his opinion or even telling him anything about your relationship.
Its incredibly hurtful to do that to your brother. He didn't ask your opinion and you know nothing about the nature of his relationship nor his partner so who are you to make stuff up in your mind and attack him based on your projecting your own issues onto him? And yes it is personally attacking him. It is not caring at all. You can say "I just am concerned because I care " all you want but the message is still the same which is that you are judging him and saying that you don't believe he is capable of taking care of himself and that you are better than him.
Again, it is because of people like you that he keeps his relationship and his orientation secret. Think about that, and ask yourself if you're actually showing love and concern.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 August 2013):
 I know often sisters in the family are the rule-enforcers and like to make sure everything is under surveillance by them. When they are 8.
You are an adult.
He is an adult.
Treat him like one now. You don't get to boss him around any more. He gets to make his own decisions and life choices.
You owe him a HUGE apology for snooping.
Is everything going okay in your life? Because you seem to be creating drama where none is necessary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): This is absolutely none of your business! What your brother does and with who has nothing to do with you, and it's certainly not your place to question his life choices or decide that he needs therapy because of them. So what if he's involved with an older man? It's hardly the crime of the century. If he's happy then that's all that matters. Butt out and leave your brother to get on with his own life. And next time, feed the fish and leave.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 August 2013):
 Wow you just don't get it do you?! Leave this alone. He knows where to find you if he wants your advice. Drop it before you lose your brother altogether.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): Ok I get it I shouldn't have snooped! But my thought is something has to be totally wrong for him to be doing this which is why I think I should maybe confront him about it. I mean come on doing it with a 56 y/o when your 23? He could need couseling/therapy. I was thinking about writing him a letter so save on any embarassment.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 August 2013):
YOU are so over the top out of line I can't even begin to understand how you can justify this "bit of snooping"
what a grown man does on his own time is his own business
who he does it with is HIS business.
clearly he knows you to be a judgmental nosy person and perhaps that's why he feels the need to lie to you and keep you out of his business.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 August 2013):
"a bit of snooping"??? Chickie you did more than a bit of snooping, and then to top it off you go running to your friend a blabbed to her! You should have fed the fish and left, now you potentially have ruined your relationship with your brother forever. I hope you follow the previous advice and clam up, you and your friend. If and when your brother finds out about your huge mistake, I hope he will forgive you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): Wow..glad I don't have a sibling like you!! Totally out of order snooping and then to have the cheek to be angry he didn't tell you the truth??
Why should he? It's HIS business NOT yours..now grow up and stop sticking your nose into things that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you!!!
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 August 2013):
 No you should definitely not confront him about this. Clearly he is either bi or gay, and he's obviously not ready to come out to his family yet. So invading his privacy and then telling him its 'gross' will confirm why he didnt want to tell his family yet (because they dont understand) and will push him further back into the closet so to speak.
This is a really tough time for your brother and you need to be understanding, he will probably have been struggling with his sexuality for a long time and doesnt need his sister of all people judging him.
Ok so dating a 56 year old is a bit silly and not right, but if this is one of your brother's first gay/bi relationships then he is just finding his feet, figuring out if this is what he wants and hopefully just having a bit of fun. And aged 23 I'm sure he is sensible enough to understand contraception and that he needs to use condoms, the gay community have been aware of HIV and STDS far longer than the straight community have so chances are he is way more clued up than you are anyway.
Let your brother figure this out himself, coming out to your family is HUGE and he needs to do that himself, in his own time - not because he is forced to by his nosey, interfering sister. You should not have snooped, imagine how you would feel if you found out your brother had snooped on you - you'd be very angry I'm sure.
So accept that you are in the wrong here, that you have done a bad thing and if you tell your brother what you know you will only make it worse. Let him come out as gay/bi in his own time, that is a massive thing for him to do so he needs time and space to gain the confidence to do this. Shooting him down telling him he's gross for dating an older man is going to ruin his confidence and he'd probably distance himself from you and the family maybe forever - you really are risking ruining your relationship with him forever.
And one last thing - STOP TELLING YOUR FRIENDS! What you have done is so uncool, but telling your friends that he's dating an older man is even worse. What if they tell someone else? Chances are there will be rumours going around about your brother now and he will hear it from someone else, then it will come back and bite you on the ass in a big way because it will be obvious that you were the one that started it. Beg your friend not to tell anyone, and just hope that she is trustworthy and will keep it quiet. Then never speak a word of this again to anyone until your brother chooses to tell you.
Try and be mature here, realise this is really hard for your brother and he's not ready yet to come out to you or the family. Give him time and be patient, after all he's your brother and you should love him no matter what. Keep your mouth shut and let him figure this out himself.
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