A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in my current relationship for 5 years and we are engaged. I know his children, etc. The daughter is married (27 years old) and is now pregnant for the first time. She is having her baby shower in a couple of months. I only found this out via Facebook by a comment made from her brother's girlfriend saying her brother was taking her to the shower. I wasn't invited. I know, I realize her mother will be there and also her mother-in-law. And I'm not "married" to her father, just engaged. I do try to stay in the background and I am not trying to be thin skinned but sometimes it hurts. The daughter is more aloof with her father I've noticed and he gets left out of things a lot. I don't have any children of my own with my late husband. I would never say or do anything to upset the family dynamic in anyway. I'm trying to be mature about all of this. His daughter will handle it her way I guess. They live 4 hours away too. If they come to visit her in-laws who are an hour away from us, they never stop to see her father I've noted too. Should I just stay in the shadows and live my life the best I can.Should I turn all my energies towards my nieces and nephews and also grand nephews with another one on the way on my late husband's side and my no kill pet shelters. I adore animals too.Thank you for taking the time to read this.
View related questions:
engaged, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): I would let your fiance deal with this issue of gifts. Let him be the one to send gifts to his grandchild if he so chooses and have him sign your name on the gift if you want him to, but it should come out of "his" pocket.
He must be a cash cow to them but that is normal in a divorce. The father tries to win the kids love back with money and gifts. When the money stops coming, or if he gets a backbone and tells them no, watch them whine like spoiled brats.
Wash your hands of this family and get on with your life. Ignore their posts on Facebook and concentrate on the family the loves you for you! You are doing the right thing.
Let the father handle his kids in his own way, but you stay out of it. Life will be so much better for you I can guarantee it!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): total strangers are not required to acknowledge one's kids' births let alone send gifts or cards. Since the soon to be mother treats you as if you are a total stranger, why should you send gifts or even acknowledge the birth of her child (to her)? Same goes for the kid's birthdays. If the mother treats you as a complete stranger then you are not required to "do anything " for her or her kid.
They seem really selfish people so it wouldn't surprise me if they will continue to ignore your fiance and you yet get all offended if you don't send gifts. I just think you should ignore them and focus your energies on your nephews and nieces and animals.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I tend to agree with Anonymous, (23 August 2013) and to NOT go out of your way to send a present or card at all to this baby shower. ONLY do so if you are invited to any event in the child's life. The exception would be the birth of the child, the child's birthdays or at Christmas even if the two of you never get to see the child or are not invited for the child's birthday or to see them at Christmas. In the future, there will be the high school graduation and you can send a gift then too. BUT until this daughter grows up I wouldn't make any effort on your part.
Besides, it would be less of a hassle for you having to deal with people such as these. Leave them to their own devices. The ex-wife has a corner on this market. They are her kids and it sounds like she will do whatever it takes to ensure that you have no part or say in the family as well as her ex-husband, your fiance. So do just that. Back away and enjoy your life and have fun! Life is too short and you need to spend this part of your life doing what you love to do and not on other peoples negativity or emotional hang-ups.
You are doing the wise thing by turning your energies towards your late husband's family and towards animals in need. Send your love in the direction where you know you are appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (23 August 2013):
 This must be so difficult for you, especially as you sound like a such a warm, caring person.I think her failure to invite you is more to do with her and her mum and less about you. This, I think, is very sad because you would be such a lovely addition to her baby's life. You can never have too many grandparents.You clearly have a lot going on in your life and a lot of people who love and appreciate you and your efforts. I would rise above this because you're clearly the bigger person, use your energies for those who appreciate it and maybe, one day, this woman will grow up and maybe try to build a relationship with her father and you x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): I would just go about your life and ignore them. They ignore you and their own father and their grandparents too, your fiance's parents! There is no need to over extend yourself towards these types of people.
If it were me, and I know this is juvenile, but I can't help myself, but since you are on Facebook and so are they, I would get a little in their face on Facebook and post how much you love your nieces and nephews and hope they loved their gifts from you...that sort of stuff. Those people will see your posts. I know that is nasty and probably stooping to their level but in a roundabout way you are sending them a clear message. Don't mention your fiance's grandchild...I'll take heat on this I know because it's not the childs fault being born into a dysfuctional family.
Maybe as the grandchild grows older it will get better between them and their father, but I doubt it because look how it is now. He will be ignored on the grandchild's birthdays, major holidays and school events It's just starting with the baby shower and it's a sign of things to come.
Go about your life and put your energies towards the ones (and animals) that truly DO care what you do for them!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): The OP here. Well, I talked to my fiance about getting them a baby shower gift on the side and he suggested doing so and also he thought about purchasing one for his parents and sending the gifts to them and about mentioning not being invited, but I told him not to fan the flames and leave that part out about not being invited and to, as always, take the high road.He told me his life is with me now and that he will go to see his grandchild only if he is invited, otherwise he wants to stay in the background.Right now everything is nicey nice with the ex-wife and the new in-laws because everything is new but...His daughter's mother in law is one tough lady as well so we feel it is just a matter of time before his ex-wife and the mother in law butt heads and everything implodes. We will just sit back and watch the show! It's just as well that we stay out of it completely. I think it is a nice gesture Tisha-1 to do a baby shower for her, but I don't want to interject myself into the middle of this family and I will leave it up to my fiance, as you say to fix his relationships with his children.I have come to the conclusion that my time will be better well spent with my late husband's nieces and nephews and with homeless animals.I will go where I am appreciated.Thank you all for responding!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): What an ungrateful bunch they are, his kids and ex wife! They won't even acknowledge his existence yet are happy to take his money? I say to heck with them! It sounds like they see him as literally an ATM machine, like an inanimate object that dispenses money. I wouldn't even bother sending them a card for the baby shower. They're just going to turn the baby against him too eventually. I would consider them non existent as far as family. I mean, they already see your husband (and thereby you) as non existent. You cannot have a relationship with people who don't want a relationship with you. Life is too short. Spend it on your real family and on saving the homeless animals, making the world a better place. As an animal shelter volunteer myself, I want to say thank you for the work you do! We need more people like you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 August 2013):
 I have another idea. Throw your own shower for her with your fiancee's parents and other family friends who care about his daughter and her new family.
If it was an awful divorce and the ex-wife or her family are attending the shower, then maybe they feel your husband would be uncomfortable and the hard feelings could cause drama in what is supposed to be a happy occasion.
It's really kind of up to your husband to work on fixing the relationships, maybe it's fallen on you because that's considered the province of the female, but that doesn't mean you have to take up that mantle.
Project positivity toward daughter and family, don't take how they treat dad personally, that's THEIR issue, and should not be yours. Don't absorb or reflect that negativity, I think you know this already.
I guess what you are asking is if you should be offended or hurt by what daughter and that side of the family is doing? Of course you can be hurt to be excluded, but don't let it stick in your psyche, if that makes any sense. I mean, it's not surprising toxic ex-wife turned daughter toxic as well. It's a pity, for them.
How often do you go to visit them? Maybe it's time for a special trip, bring the baby gifts and throw your own shower there?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): The OP here. Ohhh, his divorce was messy one at that. His ex-wife put him through the wringer. She was spender when they were married and would take all the money to almost the last penny and spend on things to impress her friends. The kids had to have the best of clothes and shoes. She always said bad things to the kids about their father. She spoon fed the kids all the time about their father when they were growing up so that has influenced them in their adult life now towards him. I think the son is seeing through it now that he is an adult but the daughter still has issues. His ex-wife refused to work but spent the money. It was a bad marriage.Yes, I think a nice gift from the both of us as a shower gift to send them would be okay and to wish them well. A basket of goodies sounds lovely. Thanks Honeypie. Even if we get no acknowledgment or thank you which happens a lot. Actually my fiance has been sending them money, etc. but they rarely acknowledge a gift or send a thank you to him. He is totally ignored. It's so rude, I know.Even his parents, now great grandparents for the first time have not been invited to the shower. It's just awful. We aren't telling his parents about the baby shower because it would crush them. They hardly saw their grandkids at all because the ex-wife would use them as pawns and keep them away. The ex-wife's parents will be at the shower of course. It's an ugly situation.Is family counseling needed? I would think so!! As far as my meaning of staying in the shadows, I met that with his kids. Just staying the background and trying not to let it get to me.Beyond that, I need to continue to live my life. There are other children and family children, my nieces and nephews that are in need of love and attention as well as so many animals and I will spend my time and energy there.Thanks again, Aunties for answering! You are the best!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 August 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie and Tisha...
the family dynamic may just be that dad is not included for whatever reasons.
check with him, send a lovely gift together if he wants.
do NOT take it personally and continue to live your full and happy life not letting the bad manners or choices of others bother you..
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 August 2013):
 Was your fiancé's divorce a messy one?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 August 2013):
 The family dynamics might simply be to leave Dad out of these things, and unless the level of contact between the daughter and your partner has changed since you came on the scene try not (hard I know) to take it to heart.
I agree, put together a nice baby basket and send it, you could include a note about how lovely it would be to see them next time they travel your way.
If you have nieces and nephews to dote on and place your energies with, then do it, however, once your husbands grandchild is born the mother may decide she wants Grandpa to be in it's life. All you can do is adopt a wait and see attitude.
Good luck, you sound like a lovely person with lots of love to give.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): "The daughter is more aloof with her father I've noticed and he gets left out of things a lot."This is why you are being left out. Your fiance ranks very low in the eyes of his daughter, almost like he doesn't exist. Thus, you are on that same plane if not even more invisible. Don't take it personally, it is purely because your fiance isn't on his own daughter's radar thus anyone associated with him naturally won't be either."Should I turn all my energies towards my nieces and nephews and also grand nephews with another one on the way on my late husband's side and my no kill pet shelters. I adore animals too."Yes, you should do this! put your energies where it is worth it - people who love you, and non-profits. Your time and energy is much too valuable to waste on people who are not interested in you."Should I just stay in the shadows and live my life the best I can."Why do you think you're in the shadows? Your life isn't defined by your soon-to-be in-laws. You have so much better things to do with your time than to spend it on in-laws who aren't friendly.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 August 2013):
"Should I just stay in the shadows and live my life the best I can?"
What shadows? Aren't you already living your life? Why are you allowing yourself to be a shadow type person? That's your choice, isn't it?
I would send her a nice baby gift, check with her dad before you do, to make sure he even wants to send one. Wish her well and then let it go.
It sounds like you have been with her dad for a very long time but you aren't accepted in the family in a significant way.
There's not much you can do about that, you've been with him for 5 years.
All you can do is let them know that you wish them well, and ensure he is being the best dad he can be. Do not put any obstacles into that family dynamic and let it go.
Make your own family. It's such a rich experience when you realize you can do just that.
Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2013):
 I would just talk to your fiance and seen if you two should make her a NICE baby basket and send it from you and her Dad.
Not being invited might be because SHE (the daughter) isn't the one throwing it, most likely the MOTHER (ex-wife) is and that makes sense not to invite you.
Put your energies towards what YOU want to put them towards.
...............................
|
