A
female
age
51-59,
*ettah
writes:I am single and seeing a married man who is my colleague (from different department) of 2 years for more than a year now. We are professionals from the same country and working in a foreign country. At the beginning we were just friends. We hung out and lunched with other common friends at work whenever he was in town (he travels oversea twice a month). I know from the beginning he is married. I also met his wife in person when he first came.He flirted with me a lot and gave me a lot of compliments. I fell for him because of his nice treat and my loneliness when living alone in a foreign country. We are both at our 40. He told me that he married after got out from university with his class mate who was his ex girlfriend’s best friend at the time as he got her pregnant (meaning that he was a cheater before). He has got a 17 year old daughter.Now I am seeing that we are going no where. I also feel other colleagues have noticed what is going on between us. I admit that I love him so much but never want him to leave his wife for me. He is constantly nice to me and treats me well since we know each other. In a way I respect him. I also broke up with him many times but we got back together again and again. I want to leave my job and the country so badly but I haven’t got a new opportunity yet. And in my profession job is not every where.My father the one I only have in my life just passed away with deadly cancer a few months ago. I am missing him so terribly and still coping with pain. I am very depressed now and don’t even want to leave a life. Appreciate your all kind advices. Thank you.
View related questions:
at work, best friend, broke up, depressed, ex girlfriend, flirt, got back together, his ex, married man, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2010): we are all human. We need love and this man is there to give love. There is no right or wrong answer just that if 2 people are happy together it is none of other people business.
A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (10 April 2010):
Mettah, you need to believe that you will overcome this, you need to start believing in yourself. You say you were a positive person previously so dig in deep and find that person once again. In life it is all about our choices. You are lucky that you have come to the realisation that being a mistresss/ other woman is not your destiny. You have made this choice now. So many OW are weak and they choose to be the bit on the side willingly and they accept any sh1t coming their way. They spend their entire lives waiting for the miracle of the MM to kleave his wife, kids and home. It almost never happens. You have decided that your life is more precious than this.you have decided that your life is actually more worthy and it is. So work towards finding yourself and start Liking yourself. Welcome to starting over. It is worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 April 2010):
 I just read your question and your last sentence about being very depressed and 'not want to leave a life' has me VERY concerned. You need to seek counseling immediately if you are that depressed that those kinds of thoughts are going through your head.
This is not something you should put off. I read your follow up and that you are going to seek help. Please do it TODAY, and report back when you have done this. Thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, mettah +, writes (10 April 2010):
mettah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you once again for your all responses. I am normally a positive thinker kind of person. This is the first time in my life I am feeling this miserable and depressed. I surely feel a lot of guilt since day one I had the feeling for him. But my strength is not on my side. This guilt always does make me want to quite my job and just leave the country. But I love the job and it is not easy to get the one this one.
...............................
A
female
reader, LoveGirl +, writes (9 April 2010):
I did not see your updated response - the depression and the counselling to help counter this will work only if you get rid of the MM. And I think you have decided to end it with him. It's a start, it won't be easy But you will get through it. Welcome to the better you, the good person you know you can be. I really wish you well although my 1st response was harsh I m glad you posted an update. Take care and plse work towards Healing. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): The counselling will help. Trust yourself, and be condfident that when you return to work you will be able to resist him. Afterall, who needs some guy to tell you that you are great if you already know that?
Good decision to stay away from him. Better decision to go home and get your head together. Seriously, counselling. I felt exactly like you are saying when my brother died. I wanted to join him because I thought anywhere with him had to be better than here. You can get through this. Help is not fro the weak, it's for those smart enough to see that everyone needs it sometimes!
...............................
A
female
reader, LoveGirl +, writes (9 April 2010):
You are having an affair with a married man where did you expect this to lead to? You don't talk about guit. You knew he was married. You met his wife. You knew exactly what you were doing*nd now you are feeling sorry for yourself. So give yourself a few more minutes of your pity party and then do something constructive about your life. I am sorry you lost your dad but you cannot explin away your affair as a result of this. Yes loneliness is a killer but to seek sexual comfort with another womans husband is not the answer. I will not dictate and tell you to end your affair only you can decide that. What I will say however is make adecision and stick with it. If you can look yourself in the mirror every day then you will know whether what you have been up to with this man is right or wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, mettah +, writes (9 April 2010):
mettah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind advices. You are right I feel I had someone with me during my father's sickness and after his death. He kept me company and made me laugh.
I am currently taking a home leave for a few weeks. I have made up my mind, not to respond/contact him during the break. I am also planning to see psychiatrist as feeling so terribly depressed and pain. Whenever I cry I feel like I could die. I also don’t know what to do when I have to go back to work and see him again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): I'm so sorry about your father. I've lost alot of family too. I know it's like no other pain.
The most pertinent part of your question is where you said that you don't even want to have this life. That is a serious feeling that MUST be addressed! If you were feeling confident and happy with life would you have been lured into an affair with a married man so easily? I doubt it. It sounds like you are feeling very vunerable (loss of father, new country..) and you are doubting yourself. A nice guy lavishing you with compliments can we very wooing at such a hard time.
You said you dont want him to leave his wife, but the damage is done. This affair has probably ruined their lives, so comforting yourself with that thought is really just a dissollusionment. You have to face reality.
It may sound odd to you, but being the other woman is not going to help your poor feelings toward yourself. The guilt, the ruined reputations, being the center of office gossip, etc. This affair is going to hurt you more than help you, despite his compliments. No man on earth is going to bring your father back. You have to love the memories you have and don't even accept a substitution! Do your job and just your job. See a counsellor about your loss. Maybe even get on antidepressants. Remind yourself that you are woth more, and move on with your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786 +, writes (9 April 2010):
 You need to leave the cheatimg B*$#. Try by no contact and try making new friends and hanging out with friends. If you dont and when he is bored of of you and leaves you - things are going to get a lot worst. You can take control of your life or forever be lost with a cheater.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 April 2010):
You need to stop this affair. This will never go anywhere. You know he is a cheater and is just using you for sex. He's only nice to get you into bed. That's it. Every time you sleep with this guy, you're disrespecting his poor wife (who has clearly been treated badly), and you're losing more self respect, and damaging your reputation. I know you're missing your father a lot, and I'm sure this guy provides you with a certain amount of comfort. But this is going nowhere, and that's not what you need for your life. So take a good look at it and address it. Stop the affair (if it comes out you'll look really bad in everyone's eyes), and continue to try to find a new job.
...............................
|
