A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is into gaming. At first, I was okay with it. I thought it was a harmless hobby and he was doing some writing for his character. He would have me read his writing and I enjoyed seeing this creative side of him.Now, though, it's starting to hurt. On my birthday, I was at work for 12 hours, came home, took a shower, and wanted to cook a brownie to share with him and chat. He said he was "busy" and just "wanted to finish this game up." It wasn't the first time I was pushed aside for a computer game, but it was my birthday. I went to bed alone while he stayed up until 2 in the morning playing his game.He doesn't show me his writing anymore. He always just talks about it--how frustrated it is writing for his character, but is relieved to have found an online friend who encourages him. He talks of this friend a lot and mentioned he wanted to buy a gift for this friend while we're out of the country.Then, one day, it slips out that this friend is a girl. I had never been jealous of his female friends before, but I was completely weirded out that this friend he is always online chatting with, sharing his writing with, and wanting to buy gifts for is a girl.I confronted this with him and he just says, "She's just a friend, don't worry."Last night, I came home and was eager to talk with him about my day and inform him of some things he needed to know for his job the next day. He was busy chatting away with his friend and I asked politely, "Are you listening?"He snapped, which I didn't expect. I wasn't trying to be rude, I just wanted to make sure he knew what I was referring to. He said, "I'll figure it out. I've had a bad day with writing." He didn't have work that day, but I did and expected a little bit more cheery welcoming when I came home like I do when he comes home from work. I was bitter the rest of the night.Lately, he doesn't listen because he's busy on the computer and he often gets irritated when something at work comes up and he says, "You didn't tell me that..." but I actually did. I don't think he even understands me anymore.He's engrossed with this online friend. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know I must just be paranoid, but it's really starting to hurt. We talk about it, he says sorry, then things are good for a few days, then he turns back to the game.I never thought we'd be in this position. I thought we were best friends. And I never thought I'd be the jealous type. I don't like myself now. I don't think he likes me either because I get sad a lot. I don't want to control who he can be friends with, but it really hurts. What can I do to be okay with this? I've tried reasoning with myself over and over again, but I end up bitter. Perhaps reading somebody else reason it out will help, which is why I've turned to this site...
View related questions:
at work, best friend, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): I'm the original poster...thank you all for your replies. It makes me feel a little better about myself to reading that it's not all my fault. Like I said, I really don't like myself lately.I have taken the advice here seriously and given it a lot of thought--I really appreciate the time it must have taken for you all to type what you did.I especially found QueenKatie's reply to be extremely helpful--dividing my problem into two problems and then explaining why one was the underlying cause of the other helped put things into perspective. I have spoken with my husband and he has admitted that he gets addicted to the internet when things aren't going well for him emotionally. Though he's set a goal to limit his internet time, this only lasted a short period before he went back to it full force--and not just when he's depressed, which I've pointed out.I've confided in him numerous times that I'm worried he spends too much time on the internet and that it would make me feel a lot better if he took up another hobby that had nothing to do with the computer (though, he doesn't need to give up the computer entirely). I've dropped hints of things we could do together, like go walking (which we used to enjoy together), take drawing classes, etc. He seems reluctant, though expresses some interest in drawing classes.We're getting ready to do some traveling before returning to America, so I may not be online for a while, but I'll be sure to keep you all updated on the situation.On research of internet addiction, I've come across many people who suggest that the spouse of the internet addict take up gaming as well. This advice seems so strange to me, and my husband has suggested it to me, as well. Honestly, I don't like playing video games or computer games. I like it for about half an hour, then I get bored and rarely will I ever return to finish a game I've started. Why should I do something I really don't enjoy just to feed his own addiction? Why can't we find something we both like to do together (like we used to)?Another thing I've read elsewhere is people suggesting wives put on skimpy outfits. I also don't see the logic in this. It may get him away from the computer temporarily, but I shouldn't have to dress like that every night I want a little time with him--and good quality time with my husband shouldn't have to equate to sex all the time. I know the comments here weren't suggesting I whore myself out to get my husband off the computer, so I really appreciate all of your input and encouragement, and I think the comments here may help others in the same situation.I really like how much of the advice here encouraged me to talk with my husband and to also have respect for myself. I was really feeling like I was doing something wrong, but I think, now, maybe something's wrong with our relationship, but it isn't all my fault. And there's only so much I can do to fix it--if he's not willing to put work into it as well, then it's really not going to work.Also, thank you for all your insight on why he is so caught up in this world. It does help, I think, to see things from the other person's perspective. I don't want to be snappy with him, and I don't want to turn into a nag (which I feel like I am turning into one), so I think seeing things his way will help me communicate better with him.As for the friend, he's told me he won't send her a gift if I don't want him to, but it really made me feel like he was telling me that I was the one with the problem and he'll hold back to please me. I really want him to see it from my point of view, so I've asked him outright, "If I had a guy friend that I hung out with more than you and I ignored you and brushed you off whenever I was with him, how would you feel?"His response was that it's different with an online friend. I don't totally buy that, but I said, "Fine. What if I had an online guy friend I spoke with more than you and I wanted to send him gifts."He said it depended on the context of the relationship. I told we're just friends, but I spend all my time talking with him and I ignored you whenever I was chatting with him.He didn't have an answer to that. Then I asked, what about her perspective? She wouldn't feel weird about a married man sending her gifts?I asked him, "What if I was chatting with a male friend online all the time and he started sending me gifts. How would that make you feel?"He really didn't have an answer for that one either. I told him I don't mind him having friends with the opposite sex, but I do mind if he starts ignoring me because of those friends (no matter the gender) and neglecting his duties around the house, work, and our relationship. I think it's helped him see things a little from my perspective, and I'm feeling a little lucky that my guy seems to actually be seeing things from my point of view in the real world, rather than what's deemed as being appropriate in the online world.However, he hasn't really taken any steps, yet, to seriously work on it, and I don't think he fully understands.I'll keep you all updated. Thanks again for your well-thought-out replies!
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (9 April 2010):
 I just wanna say thank you to QueenKatie for your answer. I've been made to think that my boyfriend's behaviour is acceptable and that it is I that is the silly, jealous girlfriend for not wanting my boyfriend to play games all the time. Because, as you said, there is a culture of people who think it is ok and perfectly normal to play games at every spare moment of their lifes, until 3am, these people, including my partner cannot see how this affects their real life, and their relationship with their partner. In fact it is more rewarding than facing life and spending time with their partner, because it instantly satisfys their desire for entertainment and now because if the intenet, their social needs. But these online friends are not the same as real every day friendships.I miss being with someone I can just hang out with. Because with him, if he isnt online, I know he's thinking about doing it later and whether he can get away with it. His attention is rarely with me and him in the moment.But I have felt it is my problem because he told me he was into games at the start(but I was so loved up this didnt register as an issue), he has been into games long before i was in his life and I am not there all the time so I kind of feel bad for being jealous of the time he spends with his online game friends. But essentially he gives more to his relationship with his games and gamer friends than to our relationship. Now this does ruin realtionships and marriages. He himself has told me of one of his friends
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): Awwww, what an awful situation. I suspect that this kind of behaviour is actually a lot more common than most people realize.
I'm going to divide up this problem into two halves, because I think there are two issues here and that you might get more insight if you separate them. The first is his behaviour towards you, and the amount of time he is spending gaming. The second is his relationship with his online friend, and the feelings this is inspiring in you. By the sounds of things, you're far more worried about the latter than the former. However, as someone who has some experience of dealing with this type of behaviour, I am more concerned about the former.
First of all, I don't think you're being at all unreasonable in having concerns about your partner's behaviour and its impact on you. Your partner is too engrossed in what he is doing, and he is neglecting you. No-one should have to spend the evening alone on their birthday because their partner can't be bothered to put down a game! Similarly, if he's not listening to you when you're speaking to him, and missing important information as a result, that's extremely disrespectful towards you, verging on downright irresponsible.
It sounds to me like your partner is an internet addict. Now, I know it might sound strange to describe the internet as something that can be addictive, and you might argue with some reason that the web is not a habit-forming drug that creates a chemical dependency. However, in many ways his behaviour is mimicking that of someone who does have a chemical addiction. He's pushing you out - and I suspect other elements of his 'real' life too - for the sake of his game. Despite the fact that this is having detrimental effects on his life (you are sad, withdrawn), yet he is continuing and appears unable to stop. He doesn't seem to be capable of controlling his behaviour or keeping the gaming it within reasonable limits (being up half the night gaming on your birthday is not acceptable). Finally, he's preoccupied with the activity, to the point that it's interfering with his daily functioning.
I believe that you need to recognize this as a serious and significant threat not only to your relationship but also to your partner's health. I have some personal experience of similar behaviour (I know two longterm relationships that broke down over this very issue), and in both cases, the man in question was using the internet as a way of masking depression and other mental health issues. The thing about something engrossing, like an online game, is that it takes the person out of themselves, and lets them forget their troubles. However, the problem is that hiding from problems doesn't solve them. So when the person stops playing, real life comes flooding back, and by this point they feel tired, drained, and unable to deal with the sometimes very difficult issues that they face. The result is that they feel even worse, and that solutions to the issues are even further away.
So how do you handle this? It's extraordinarily difficult. I think your boyfriend will react extremely negatively to the suggestion that his gaming is out of control (even though it obviously is), because he won't want to cut back on it. He needs to be made to realize, as vividly as possible, that he's jeopardizing your future together as a couple. Sit him down and talk to him, but be prepared for extreme defensiveness on his part. Try to stress that you're concerned because you love him, and are worried about his health. Show him how much you are hurting, and how anxious his gaming is making you. Make it clear that you're not asking him to give up the game altogether, but simply to keep his hobby within some reasonable limits. For instance, you might decide together on a rough timetable of when he can play. He might want to game for an hour or two after dinner three nights a week, but there should also be agreed time for you to be together as a couple when the computer is OFF! Since loneliness is often a factor in encouraging people to game, it's very important that you anchor him in 'real world' social activities - so get out with friends, or take up a new, active hobby together that brings you into a social circle with people of similar interests. Your partner might also need to think about seeing a doctor, and possibly getting counselling - two things that many men find challenging propositions!
If this doesn't work, you need to be prepared to get very tough. Don't enable his addictive behaviour, because you will only make the problem worse. Have a backup plan - a relative, or friend, with whom you can stay for a week or two, so that you make it clear that if the problem does not get better and the agreement is breached, you are prepared to leave. He must be made to realize that he stands to lose you if he doesn't make some effort to change. I know it's heartbreaking, and the last thing you really want to do, but it's of paramount importance that he knows what's at stake. This situation is making you seriously unhappy (you actually sound on the verge of depression) and you deserve far, far better than a man who can ignore you for a load of binary code! Trust your own worth as a vibrant, clever, fun young woman. And if he doesn't appreciate you, entertain the idea that you might be able to look elsewhere to find someone who does.
Now for the second issue: the online friend. Given that your partner is actively neglecting you for this game and this person, I would be uncomfortable about this relationship too. It's not like your jealousy is unsupported by any evidence here, and I think most women would feel worried and hurt in the circumstances. It can be very easy for people to meet online and idealize one another (and adopt new personas, and new identities, which can be liberating), whether as friends or as more. I'm by no means saying that all online friendships are fake and to be avoided (I have several good online friends myself, most of whom I've now met in real life too). However, online relationships tend to follow slightly different trajectories, and involve different parameters, to real life ones (often feeling more confidential and close at an earlier point). Maintaining appropriate behaviour in such circumstances can be more of a challenge. However, I don't believe that you need evidence of an emotional or romantic affair to be concerned. Even if this is a purely platonic relationship, the fact is that he shouldn't be ignoring you for it! No-one should come before you in his life like that.
However, I should stress that the real rival you have is the game itself, and I suspect that pulling your partner away from his unhealthy obsession with it, towards a rich, engaged relationship with his real life partner and real life friends will also solve this secondary problem.
I wish you the very, very best in dealing with this problem. Internet addiction is an extraordinarily difficult thing to cope with because it's very widespread, yet not really talked about as a serious problem. This creates a culture of people who think it's normal to be up until 3am playing, to the utter neglect of family life. That culture makes it very hard to reach those involved and persuade them that they have a problem, or that their actions are hurting others. And yet their behaviour does so much damage: I know of at least two marriages that have broken down over this very problem, which is why I'm urging you so strongly to take swift and decisive action now, before it's too late. My thoughts and hopes are with you. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (9 April 2010):
I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend is a hardcore gamer.
We have an on off, long distance relationship. I am away for my studies, 6 months of the year. Gaming is what he does most of the time when I'm away.
He has a bunch of friends he plays with and has a laugh with and at first I didn't mind. It used to make me laugh listening to him banter with them.
But over the last year I've been resenting it more and more. I don't know what to do. I don't want be like this! I get pissed off with him when he plays games. I feel like I'm being jealous and possessive and needy and I don't like feeling this. I always thought of myself as independant and hate feeling like this. I can totally understand how hard it must be that it's a woman that he's really close with. I get jealous when it's blokes he spends all his time talking to!
I just feel like he has more fun with his online friends. I know he'd rather spend a day playing games with them than doing anything with me. He says he's addicted to gaming but I feel it's not just that. He has better friendships online.
Like you, I used to think we were best friends so I didnt mind him gaming. I know that to him and a lot of people, that a partner is separate to a friend. But to me, I've always wanted a partner who is my best friend who I want to spend most of my time with and do things with. I ask him if he wants to do something with me, like go for a meal or the cinema and he always says no, can't afford it.
We have a laugh when we spend time together. But I feel because we dont see much of each other, we should try and make up for it and have some quality time together, but he's just carrying on as he would if I wasn't there most of the time. He comes offline sometimes to keep me happy. But I don't want it to be like like. I want him to want to spend time with me. If I didn't say anything he'd play games every day for as long as he could fit it in between working/eating/sleeping.
I don't know what to suggest. I know if I wasn't with him, I'd be happy going out spending time with friends or just hanging out on my own after work etc. So why do I get so angry that he plays games all the time? I guess it's coz I have an idealistic view of relationships and want my partner to be my best friend.
I get upset that he seems to pick them over me and speaks to them about me as though they are more important somehow.
We mess around a lot and act really silly. For example he pulls hos pants down randomly and carrys on. So I randomly flash my boobs to him. Yesterday he said to his online best friend my birds crazy, before she got one of her boobs out and handed it to me. Then he started laughing n said yeh Ive seen loads of womens boobs now(he's 16 years older than me) I'm not bothered by them. This got to me. Its like he doesnt respect my feelings or our relationship. Like that was something fun we shared and he talked about it like I was rediculous and a stupid worthless bird.
So sorry for waffling on! Your question has made me think about my own situation. Just wanted to share it as I know how it feels to have your bloke pick an online friend over you.
I dont know what to do though. If we ignore it, and quash our jealoussy and still act like the perfect girlfriend and let them carry one, we take the high road, but they think their behaviour is perfectly fine. But it's not though because they are making us feel second best, essentially, which isnt right. You partner should come first. Your partner is someone whos meant to always be there for you, above all others. But no relationship is ideal. At least your guy is honest and open with you. If he had any romantic feelings for this other woman he would be secrative. At least you know how he stands.
Hope this helps a bit :)
...............................
A
female
reader, unappeciatied +, writes (9 April 2010):
I totally understand your position. The reason he can connect with his online friend is because she is not there. There is no tone of voice, facial expressions, the topics are limited and they share an intrest. Do you game? if not, ask him to teach you how to play one day, make sure your around when he is gaming with her, and stroke his ego a bit when asking about his work. Whatever you do, DO NOT CHANGE who you are or what you used to do. When ou guys have time get him away from the computer, go out more, eat together for dinner, start making plans for things that you kno he enjoys.
This may just be a phase for him. His gaming is an outlet for his reality. Instead of him comming home complaining about work he takes his energy to game. Which is a good thing. At this point you nay feel more insecure than jelous.Your husband is not cheating, therefor you still have his heart. To youthis is a big deal ( which it should be) and to him you are over reacting. take up more of his time, don't be all bitchy about it, and be the wife that you always have been.
Throw in a some sexy treats even, give him a reason to go to bed early.
Men very rarley put our feelings first, therefore thats nothing new. Make sure you keep us updated.
...............................
|
