A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a complicated problem, but I'll try to write it down as best I can without being too confusing.First things first. I'm 23 years old and have never ever been in a relationship, or even come close to one, and am starting to feel the pinch of loneliness and the desire to find someone to share my life with.I've had very little contact with men. I went to an all-girls high school, and the boys I did know were either jerks or bullies.When I was still very young and naive (maybe about 10 or 11) an older step-cousin of mine kissed me romantically under the bed during a game of hide-and-seek with the family. This, I believe, combined with lack of contact and bullying, has left me feeling very, VERY distrustful of men and incredibly cynical about relationships and physical contact from anyone outside my immediate family. And anytime I find out a guy likes me I feel incredibly creeped out.Yet, deep down, I would love to find someone to share my life with. My dad has told me before he wants me to find someone, for myself, so I don't end up as a lonely old lady with no family and no help, and I agree with him. I don't want to be alone. Yet the moment the subject is broached I get incredibly defensive and cynical, stating how I don't want 'those freaky perverts' anywhere near me. But this is just front. I really want to be in a relationship and have a family someday, but I lack the confidence and trust needed to find one.That and I don't socialise well. I don't go clubbing, drinking, or partying, so even meeting a guy is hard work... hence why I've never had a relationship. I don't feel safe when I go out clubbing, and I don't trust people who are drunk...I really want to overcome this horrible cynicism and pessimism of mine, so does anyone have any advice on how I can help myself overcome it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis isn't so much an update but answering some of the questions posed in the answers you gave.
I do go to evening dance lessons once a week, but there are no guys there.
I don't have a lot of girlfriends, just two, one of whom isn't interested in boys and thinks I'm weird to want one, the other has a boyfriend she met at University but no other male friends. I find it hard to make friends since I'm so closed up I don't let anyone get very close. It takes a lot to become a friend of mine, since I'm so cynical. I go to a three-day convention every year, and have been twice so far, which has about 1000 people there. My friend has loads of friends there, and I have yet to make a single one. I'm just the girl who hangs around with the popular one.
I do have a job. I work in a cafe, but even that is a predominantly female workplace. There are only two guys, one of whom has a girlfriend already and the other is only 17, a little out of my age range.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Hi there,
You've probably heard this a billion times, but I'll say it again. I think you need to get out more and start involving yourself in things that interest you. You say you're not much into the social scene, i.e. clubbing, drinking and parties. However, I really believe that those three places are the WORST place to meet fellas.
Get yourself involved in volunteer work, or a few classes. Get into the gym and take an aerobics class or some yoga. Join a theater group. A book club. A chess club. A band. A writers group. A kickball team. A softball team. SOMETHING that gets you with other people who you can connect with. This is a great way to meet fellas who share interests with you and you can get to know them before anything even begins to happen.
Do you have a lot of girlfriends? Because girlfriends are another great way to meet fellas. They all have single guy friends who they can recommend!
You know better than to base your judgments of all men on your one skeevy cousin, but I realize that these events can leave VERY lasting impressions.
You seem really smart, and very articulate. Any guy would be lucky to have you in his life.
xx India
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Hi.First of all,i want to say i can understand some of your situation.I didnt get my first boyfriend until i was 17,which is quite old to have your first one in some peoples view,and i havent been out with many people since then.I've never had a relationship,with these men it was so short term that i wouldnt exactly call it a relationship.I have met some men who have been cruel aswell.
I was also bullied at school,which ruined my self esteem and made me lack confidence.I am a year older than you,and even now,i still lack those things.I have ambitions for a career,e.t.c,but dont have the confidence to do them,and i feel like life is passing me by.I want to do things that some people think are far fetched,such as do acting work for film and tv,or work abroad doing seasonal work.I live in the uk,but would like to work in america or australia.I'm unemployed at the moment.I've never had a job,i'm not ashamed to say it,as it's my lack of confidence that caused it and that it isnt easy to get into the jobs i want to do.All i have done is voluntary work for a short time and been on training courses.I did go to college for a couple of years,but again,left due to being bullied.
Also,my family arent very supportive,which doesnt help,especially since i still live with them.I feel trapped.They also put pressure on me to get a job.I also went through a phase of never going out drinking e.t.c,which i do now,but very rarely.I dont have many hobbies either.I do like to go to concerts ocassionally.
I'm sorry that i dont have much advice,but i thought it may help that you know of someone who is going through something similar,and we may be able to support each other.
One thing i'd like to ask though,is i know you said you dont go clubbing e.t.c,but are there any hobbies you do have where you could meet people ?.If it's a nice place,then the more likely it will be that you will meet nice people.Also,do you have a job ?.If not,maybe you could take up some voluntary work,such as working in a charity shop,do they have those where you live ?.People who work for charities will definetly be kind people.If you like to read,maybe you could join a library club.Anywhere that is a friendly environment.
And also,if there are any bands,singers,e.t.c,that you like, you could join a website for them which has a forum,and you can arrange to go to concerts with any new friends you make there.You may even find a guy who shares your taste in music !.I have joined websites,so do have online friends,but dont have any friends near to where i live.I do see afew people,very rarely,so i would call them aquaintances.
And also,is it just men who you want to meet,or do you want to meet some female friends aswell,do you have alot of friends ?.
I hope i have helped.
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