A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in dire need of some help!So, a little background on everything: To explain myself, I am an extremely timid and shy guy at first, but once I get to know somebody, I let my true personality and colors shine. I am an only child and I have been extremely used to being alone for the majority of my life. I have never had a real person to open up and talk to, as my parents haven't been around for me, and although I have a healthy amount of friends, I never feel comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with them. So, I usually bottle up EVERYTHING...... up until I met my girlfriend.At first, she was just a girl around school that seemed interesting and attractive to me, but in the 3 years we went to the same school, we have never really talked or noticed eachother. Later, through some mutual friends, we got formally introduced and things went from there. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 10 months now. She initiated and started talking to me last summer over text/chat after we met and we really got to know each-other well that summer. She is the very outgoing type, has multitudes of close friends/family, something that I, for the most part, am not and do not have. But somehow, she fell for me while I was already waiting for her call/text everyday just because I found a person that actually wants to hear my thoughts and feelings. So, battling my shyness and fears, I asked her out that fall and she accepted. As the months went on, we were extremely happy. I have no idea what she found in me that she could not have found with her other male friends that share almost all her interests, but this is the first time in my life I am able to be myself completely knowing that she will always be there for me. By the start of this summer, I was fully head over heels in love with this girl and she quickly became the one thing that made me happy in life. I put her feelings before mine and always let her get anything off her mind before ever showing my feelings. Not to seem self-centered, because I am the farthest thing from that, I treated her EXTREMELY well and never got mad at her for anything just because I loved her so much.As for our physical life, we never really went past kissing/frenching just because we never got the privacy, but all that changed as this summer rolled in. When we finally did get some alone time with everyone out of the house during the summers, we flew through the bases. Never getting to sex because we were both not ready, we did everything before that. One day, I went over her house and we started to really get physical. I started fingering her and at first, I thought she enjoyed it, but I guess I could tell something was wrong after we stopped and I left for the day. The next day, I didnt get a text/call like she ALWAYS does everyday, so I worried and called her and texted her multiple times. With no reply until late that evening, saying she needed some space, I didnt reply so I could fulfill that desire. But later, she messages me again explaining everything. She said what I did hurt a lot, both physically and emotionally, and she felt like she wasn't ready for a boyfriend, but also added in that she did not want to lose me because of how happy I made her and how much she loved me. So, we decided to take it slow and continue with our relationship. After a week of not seeing her and always having this weird awkwardness (as you could imagine), she invited me over. Sooner or later, we somehow got into the same thing, with no fingering, but really physical. This exchange was fully mutual, no one person started it but it was fully mutual in everywhere. It just sort of happened? This time, after I left, she texted me saying she had the same feelings of uneasiness and guilt. As we got talking, she wanted to end it and just be friends. How she explained is that she still needed me in her life, but she didnt want the physical baggage. I really did not want this and pretty much begged her to stay and try this again. A mature conversation turned into a fight, and by the end, she fully broke it off with me. After I slept that night, I woke up that morning realizing I never wanted it to end things on bad terms, so I called her and apologized just to find out that she still wanted to be bestfriends of sorts. I accepted that she didnt want me anymore, and I guess to make things easy, she told me to meet her for coffee. Here, we got everything situated for the most part. Although nothing changed between us, she expressed that she still loved and cared for me and that she wanted to talk to me everyday like we always have. Grabbing anything I can get from the girl that fully changed my life, my personality, and the way I look at the world, I accepted without hesitation and told her to at least think about "us" in the future. The next day, she invited me over to try and preserve this newfound friendship. I helped her out with a few of her projects and stuff. And somehow, I ended up laying on her bed while she finished up a few little tasks around the house. After she was done, she layed on bed the next to me like we always have and started cuddling and just laying in bed talking to eachother as if nothing happened between us. Soon, she was half-asleep on my chest and I just looked down at her beautiful face thinking to myself how I lost a girl like this. Moments later, her eyes met mine and she came up to kiss me on the lips. With hesitation from both of us, she came back for another. And soon after, it got very physical again. I left without saying a word because I knew she needed some time to think.Later that night, she texted me and we start to talk about what happened. She explained that she felt something when we were together, and it was something she did not want to lose at all. That same night, she came back to me and we got back together because I think we both realized how much we really needed eachother.The problem comes now. Ever since that day a few days ago, everything has been off. She seems very distant and I am worried she is having second-thoughts on us completely. I need advice on what to do and I also want to know if this is healthy at all?I am extremely scared and I love this girl way too much to let her go again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): I know what you are talking about because I had been in the exact same situation! She wants to make sure you don’t want her for her body and without any physical contact you love her and are there for her. So prove it to her! How? when she tries to kiss and gets close to you just DO NOT TOUCH HER, talk to her and tell her how much you love her and ask her to stop because you don’t want to see her distant again and all you want is to see her happy, but remember to do not give her a cold shoulder show her how much you love her but you don’t want to touch her because her happiness is more important for you. Trust me all she needs is some sort of proof, she will test you several times and after she makes sure about it she will change . My boyfriend failed this test and I ended the relationship. You will be fine if you care, good luck.
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 Lots of issues going on here and I honestly don't think any of us can give you proper answers but here are a few thoughts.
She seems confused about something. Reading your post it's as if she wants you but then she doesn't. There could be a million reasons. It could be something from her past (i.e. a bad sexual experience, abuse, etc) or it could be that she's just not feeling it with you.
It sounds like you have a strong relationship/friendship, that you're very close and that you need each other. Something however is bothering her and not letting her go past these new physical experiences. She however doesn't seem to want to let you go so the best thing to do is to figure out together what the issue is.
You sound like a great guy, you actually remind me of my boyfriend. Speaking of him, when we first got together I was a bit like her, hesitant, unsure, etc. He was great, he never pushed too hard, he let me go at my own pace, he talked to me a lot and really made me comfortable around him. In my case, I wasn't very experienced with the physical side of things and so I was unsure. That didn't faze him.
Without pushing too hard, try and have an honest talk with her. Let her know how all this has made you feel and let her talk to you. Tell her you're there for her and don't expect things to move at a million miles an hour.
Having said all this, you need to ask her to be honest with you. The reason things worked out with me and my boyfriend is that we talk a lot, I tell him what bothers me and we work it out, and he gives me a lot of breathing space and a chance to mull things over.
Best advice is to sit down and talk. If you don't want to lose her, the worst thing to do would be to just drift apart. She could be crying out inside but not know how to handle things, how to approach you and how to talk to you. Allow her to do this and hopefully you break some new ground.
Best of luck :)
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