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anonymous
writes: I feel trapped in my relationship with my fiance but want to work on it. Have been together for 3 and a half years and have had good and bad times like any other relationship. We only got engaged five months ago and I have only been feeling this way for the last four months since we got engaged. There was no 'lightning bolt' when we first met each other and I suppose I have always wondered if that was wrong however, we have really grown together even though I never expected it to come this far. Sex is great and he is so supportive. I have suffered depression recently for the first time and am not sure if it is this as well as stress from studying that is aggravating this problem. Sometimes I just don't know if I am in love with him although I do love him very much. Really want to make it work but feel so helpless - keep thinking this is maybe just something I can't fix. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): Hi I just want to say that reading your question feels like reading my own life. I am also feeling trapped since getting engaged (although initially excited about the engagement). We also grew together, and I also never expected it to get this far. I love my partner, and cannot bear the thought of life without him. He is wonderful and supportive in everyway. Does feeling trapped mean my marriage wont last? I am also suffering from terrible depression (my 4th time, but first time with this partner)
I think my trapped feelings came from a previous 6y relationship where I felt trapped for about 3 years and was miserable, I should of got out of it sooner than I did. Now I am scared that this trapped feeling again is trying to tell me something, but this guy is completely different to my ex.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (10 March 2005):
 Sometimes indulging in the 'lightning bolt' type relationships can be incredibly exciting and passionate but because most of the time they are based on euphoric feelings and lust, they don't always tend to last and often seem to lead to heartache. Don't get me wrong, there are some very lucky couples out there that have it all; marvellous sex, passion and a stable, loving partnership but they do tend to be few and far between. Many of us settle for the security, love and stability a relationship gives and work on the 'other'. You seem to be almost there. There must be passion in your relationship for your sex life to be great. However, you feel you may not be 'in love' with your fiance.Depression can certainly alter how you feel, it has a tendency to put everything into a kind of fog and emotions and feelings get dulled. I wonder if you are receiving any help and support for it? You do need to also make your partner aware of how you feel in this respect.You want to work at your relationship so perhaps you need to find ways to put the spice into it. Do you spend much time together? Perhaps indulging in a different leisure activity together may help. How about going on holiday together? Being spontaneous could help your relationship, suddenly deciding to do something unusual together out of the blue. For example booking a hotel room or going on a drive to a different location.Sharing warm, cosy moments together is romantic like sharing a bath with candles or talking together late into the night about things that are important to you. All of this could increase your intimacy.Write letters to each other describing what you love about each other, make them love letters. Holding hands walking along a beach could also assist in making you feel closer.Think of yourself too; wear an entirely different outfit one day; one you have never worn before. Treat and pamper yourself. Do things to make yourself feel good.Be positive and view trying to make your relationship work as a challenge that you want to try. Share with your fiance your thoughts and feelings.Good luck.
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