A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need your advice on how to start feeling in the mood for sex again, please. My husband and I are the same age. We have been together 4 years, married for 2 and have a one year old baby. He nagged me a lot about moving in together and let me know his desire to marry me 6 months into our relationship which felt too fast for me-I qas very happy living on my own and our relationship was great as was our sex life. I had plenty of time away from him which gave me space to miss him and to get horny at the prospect of seeing him, and our sex drives seemed to match. Fast forward to now and everything has changed. I have no interest in physical affection or sex at all. I am exhausted from breastfeeding dayand nnight. I work part time and have an 70 mile round trip each day that I go to work, and have reports to write at home on top. I never get any time to exercise, to see friends, to buy a new outfit or whatever. I feel very unattractive as I am always so tired and don't get time to make myself look as nice as I used to. I am as slim as I always have been and the main change in my body is breast tenderness/cracked nipples from feeding our baby. Psychologically I feel different too. I feel my body is now being used to feed my baby and I find it hard to switch from mentally being a breastfeeding mother to being a sexy woman. I feel I look awful because I never get proper sleep. I don't like my husband even to look at me let alone kiss me.I have tried faking confidence in myself and faking interest in sex to keep him happy. But I am not relaxed so intercourse sometimes hurts and he is always too rough with my boobs. I am happy to give him oral sex but he wants more. We last had sex in February and he loved it but for me, well, it just felt awkward. I was fighting my thoughts about how disgusting I look tge whole time, and didn't want him to touch mr intimately but allowed him to because he was pushing me for it. Since then, there's been no sex at all. I am scared oral isn't enough for him and that even if I do that, he will push me to have sex when I don't really want to. I know this is not fair on him and that he has needs. It's been going on since our baby was born and I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I think I should just fake interest and let him use my body even though my head and heart aren't in it. Sometimes I think he should just get himself a mistress and leave me alone so that I can use my body to nourish our baby.We also have money issues-before moving in together, we discussed that all household and baby bills would be split 50/50 as we earn the same amount. But he hadn't been honest with me and gas 3000 £ debt. So I am paying for everything for our baby, which seems unfair. I am also getting to resent him not helping me at night. He could offer to bottle feed baby or rock back to sleep, but says he never hears the crying so it's always been me that has had poor sleep whilst he snores through. Just recently, I decided to sleep on the floor outside baby's room so I can respond to the cries quickly and get straight back to sleep instead of lying next to him.He really wanted us to have a baby but I feel like he doesn't appreciatehhow tiring it is for me.We no longer have date nights as I know he always thinks these = sex time.I want to make our relationship work, especially as we have a baby.He knows how I feel, but tells me he thinks I am gorgeous etc and that he needs physical affection and feels unwanted without it.I think the truth is that sometimes I don't want him. I just want sleep and am tired of asking him to help me with this over and over. We have no family close by and all our friends have babies themselves-but they still seem happy and loving towards each otger whereas we are not. We are just coparents.What should I do? Fake body confidence and interest in getting physical and hope I can carry that on til it truly returns?Please help me!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 The others have given you good advice, but I saw something that I didn't see addressed here.
Your baby is a year old! Have you not yet started the weaning process?? Babies at that age have started supplementing solid foods, and many have fully weaned at a year old. Certainly babies have learned to sleep the night at that age, and will do so even better after solid foods have been introduced.
Many babies have a harder time doing it at 2 years old, as the breast serves a far bigger purpose than feeding, which is force of habit. My other esteemed aunts have given you great advice on how to deal with your husband and yourself when it comes to postpartum, but you personally need to deal with your baby and reducing his dependence on your breast altogether.
Solid foods are usually introduced months earlier than the one-year mark, and the tongue-thrust that babies instinctively have fades around then as well. Babies with solid foods sleep longer, deeper, and most naturally move away from the breast as it is. Just do it slowly, starting with a rice cereal, and moving onto pureed food that doesn't have a strong taste, and you will be feeling better big time when your baby is sleeping through the night and you are too!
You cannot be perpetual pacifier and comforter to your baby. At one year old, even when your baby/toddler wakes up in the night, it's important to start learning to soothe back to sleep without depending on your breast. It's time. You're worn out and it isn't all your husband, even though his not helping and asking you to "take care of this" is crap beyond crap.
It's time. If you have a pediatrician, talk to him or her about weaning, because he knows your one year old and can give you a more tailored plan for this long-overdue next step. You shouldn't be using your breast exclusively, and your baby should be sleeping through the night now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Time to go see your doc about your depression, OP.
I'm quite sure it's that because you're really considering crazy options like him getting a mistress and also have some strange ideas about how being a new mother has made you a disgusting looking monster.
Don't fake anything. If you can give him sex even while you're not in the mood then I don't see why not.
That may not be a popular opinion but I'm more than happy to give my wife sex even if I'm not feeling it at all. As long as having sex is not traumatic somehow then I see no problem satisfying her needs. It's not the ideal of course but it's not like you get zero enjoyment out of it.
OP you should try find ways of getting a break from your baby. If breast feeding is wearing you out, then pump some, put it in a bottle and let him do the night feeds for a week. Or put some in bottles so you can go out with your friends for the day and he can take care of the kid. You can go out and get pampered.
Also I'm not sure how this works completely but I know plenty of breast feeding women who have nights out, but they have something like three days of milk pumped and stored. You can check online for how long it takes alcohol to leave the system in order for breast milk to be potable again. Take a night out with your girls, let him take care of the baby and you get dolled up, dressed up and have some fun.
I don't what it is but there's something about getting dressed up for a night out with the girls and getting attention from random guys in a club that really works wonders for women's confidence and self-esteem. Maybe you're that type, and maybe you just need a top-up.
OP every parent needs breaks from their kids just to be regular adults. Your life isn't just about being a mother, you're a woman too and you need to have your fun. It's time to start arranging date nights again, nights out for you with your friends, days out without the baby to do some shopping, bottled breast milk to give you a break from night feeds or even allow you to nap during the day while someone else looks after the baby.
OP instead of asking him to help you, take concrete steps to make him do that, it's very possible that he doesn't know what you want him to do. I mean he can hardly whip out his nipples and feed the child. This Saturday if he's not working or something, put a full days feeds into bottles and in the fridge for him and tell him you're off into town to have a girly day with some of your friends. Don't ask his permission, tell him you've made plans.
So go to your doc and see what advice they can give you but start taking the time to become a woman again, OP. You're not this horrible, wretched person all of a sudden, you're just a new mother that needs to know how to take breaks and be a woman too. Lack of sleep is perfectly normal, it doesn't make you less pretty and maybe going into town and getting dressed up and heading out will help you see that's the case.
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