A
male
age
41-50,
*atinkk
writes:My wife and I are now in a sexless marriage after the birth of our son, six years ago. Over the last six years we have had sex on no more than 10 occassions. I have tried speaking to her about this but she doesn't want to speak to me, she just goes all silent and I am told that she doesn't need to have sex to feel close to me, once she promised me she would try more for me but she never bothered. I feel unwanted, I have no confidence, I am frustrated and I feel as though I am stuck with someone that is repulsed by me. Before our son was born we had a great sex life, but that is long gone now. What should I do?
View related questions:
confidence, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): your wifes behaviour is very selfish and alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear. the way she pushes you away, not wanting hugs, kisses, sex , basically any intimacy - to me it all points to one thing - she is getting it elsewhere. you see sometimes when a person cheats they lose all feelings for their partner, they cannot be intimate because they are nvested their time, feelings love , emotions elsewhere. and your case i think this is what is happening.for starters start checking her phone. who she spends time with. work colleagues. secretive behaviour. dressing up sexily or making more of an effort. girls nights out. start being more observant and start being firm when you liase with her. demand to know who she is going out with, where she is going as well. from your age perhaps your wife is also in her 30s - well then she is in her prime. she will want sex and intimacy. she would crave it .she is actually at her sexual peak! there are no medical problmes that i read of, so that is out. moving out of the bedroom - i learnt this valuable life lesson from my sister in law. she advised NEVER to move from the bedroom. why? it makes it harder to reconcile, harder to work on what is bothering a couple. the different bedrooms soon means different lives. this has been proven time and time again. in your case even if you move back she will not now start working on the intimacy side. the different bedrooms means that it suites her just fine. now she doesn't have to pretend anymore. tit for tat- i don't normally recommend this but how about you investing more in your appearance and more in your grooming. and start taking back your life. i am not telling you have an affair. merely telling you to start enjoying being a man again instead of a doormat. go out with the boys. take on a new hobby. make time for you and what you enjoy. she needs to know that although she has devalued you, you are now re-investing in yourself. make your life count. you don't have to neglect your family but take care of yourself too.finances- if she is cheating (and here i am being blatant SHE IS) YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR FINANCES. do an inventory check, assets/liabilities. be smooth, be wise, be alert and know what is happening to finances. worst case scenario - she has someone else then what? - if you need to keep some aside away from her then you need to (just in case). you do not know long long she has been "unfaithful", so she is not entitled to your finances. simple. become financially wise/fit. if she is "stealing' your resources (meaning having an affair, yet continuing being married to you) then you need to put a stop to it. you have invested in your marriage, your home and your family life- do not be like millions out there that never see it coming when the spouse has "accumulated" their partners resources, saved enough and time to say bye bye. you be one step ahead of her. i am not trying to teach you to be distrustful/ unethical. just trying to be realistic. Martin, i truly hope that she is not cheating, for your case, but lets call a spade a spade and lets do something proactive about it. you have been a good hb, a good dad. patient, understanding, FAITHFUL . its time to take off the gloves, step up and claim your happiness. good luck and know this- where there is smoke there is fire and the other person is always lurking around.......be more observant and eliminate the threat that lurks in your marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): I have the same problem with my husband. I honestly believe he is cheating.
...............................
A
male
reader, Matinkk +, writes (10 August 2009):
Matinkk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks. Yes I told her what I told you, as I said, she once promised she would try but never bothered.
As for how she looks etc. Our son is 6 years old, big difference with a 2 month old. She has lost a lot of weight and is actually fitter, thinner and looking better now than she was when she got pregnant and she knows it.
She does know I think she is sexy, I tell her lots, I try to kiss her and tell her, but she pushes me away, I don't feel like kissing.....but she then expects me not to be upset about it and carry on being best friends etc......I moved out of our room into the spare room last night, I told her I don't see the piont of sharing a bed with her anymore......I wonder what will happen now......
I don't want to cheat on her, I love her, she is fantastic except for the sex, and I am sick of having to masturbate....I once joked with her that I might buy a love doll ha ha, I wonder how that would go down with her!
...............................
A
female
reader, plaguedbyit  +, writes (10 August 2009):
Hello Love...
let me first say I cant speak for your wife but I can tell you my story...
I am a new mother of a two month old boy. He was a big baby so my body has been changed in many ways. I have always been a person who takes care of my body and always took care of myself, to make sure I looked good and felt good. After my son was born, I had no idea I would be so depressed about my self image.
I have always felt like a sex kitten playmate and loved my body, even when I was a bit over weight. But this time topped the charts, I am now overweight...and have sagging skin. Not to mention I am breastfeeding so my boobs, which are and always have been lovely, are not an object of attraction any longer. :( It has made me very different as a person, I am no longer who I am. Mentally it has taken a toll on me and has made me introverted as far as being sexually comfortable.
I no longer feel sexy and I feel like my boyfriend has no interest in me, for a few reasons, mainly because of the disgusting body I now have to offer him.
I wont go on and on and bore you, however I will say what I think may help you...help her. It is going to take a lot of work on your end and may even be too much for you. If you love her though, you will be willing to do this for her.
First I suggest talking to her, you should as a couple be able to discuss anything and be open and honest to each other. If she cannot talk for whatever her reasons, let her at least know you want her to be able to help you help her, by understanding whats going on. Dont get mad at her if she cant talk to you at first, it is a hard talk to have with someone. Give her time to come to you after you approach a talk. Eventually she will feel like she can talk to you about it, if you truely want to understand her and what shes feeling and why...remember the key is wanting to understand her so you can help her through it.
Take this statement and reverse it love...
""I feel unwanted, I have no confidence, I am frustrated and I feel as though I am stuck with someone that is repulsed by me. Before our son was born we had a great sex life, but that is long gone now. What should I do?""
CONSTANT REASSURANCE is going to be your answer. She needs to know...really know you are sexually attracted to her new (in her mind) GROSS body. She is more than likely lost in a state of depression and may even need therapy to help her through. At times she may feel sexy and desirable, but then that reality check comes back as soon as she sees herself in a mirror, or wants to wear that great pair of jeans and realizes they will not fir anymore. Not to mention all the thoughts shes got in her mind that she thinks YOUR thinking about her gross body.
Just try to reverse your thinking, and reassure her of your love and attraction, tell her how great of a mom she is too. Ultimately though you need to understand where she as an individual is coming from and what she as an individual needs from you and herself. So definetly try to get her to talk, and in the meantime dont blame yourself. Its only going to make you grow further apart.
Good Luck! Write me with any questions.
...............................
|
