A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My parents are divorced. It was a messy, painful battle, and my mother is the one who initiated it. Since then, she has moved away and changed into a completely different person.Her social life is so busy she no longer has time for me. And when she does, she is checking her phone for texts while I wait. I suffer from a debilitating illness, and she has not bothered to ask me how I am since she left. She shows no interest in my emotional health, education, or well-being, and is content to say only that she is happy to see me and buy me a presentI have tried again and again to explain my needs to her, and she refuses to understand. She stubbornly stands her ground, and tries to make me do it her way. She is happy having parties and girlfriends.What do I do? I am not a child, but I am young, and I still need a mother. The one I have cannot focus on me, and her rejection is very painful.
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female
reader, TJ14  +, writes (29 October 2014):
hi first of take a deep breath. it will be alright . look if your mom had initiated this divorce then probably she felt caged and now she feels like a free bird. so let her enjoy a bit and she will come back to you. she has played the role of a mother a wife for a long time. give her her space and she will come back to u. dont feel bad. just try to put yourself in her shoes. nd i understand the pain ur in and try spending time with her nd take her cell phone away nd talk to her about general stuff friends etc. nd when j feel the time is right go ahead and tell what you feel
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014): Sometimes our parents can be a real pain, and the most inconsiderate ones force us to grow up before we are ready. In this case, I know you may not want to hear it, but I think you may have to allow mom sometime to experience life a little. Let her be the life of the party. In the meantime, you can find ways to channel your rejection into positive energy. Try a support group for teens, reading Chicken Soup, and/or a new hobby. Use this time for character building: do you want a promotion at work? Do you want an A in your class? make her really want to hang out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014): I am a mum with a daughter who is now 26. When she was your age we went through the only difficult phase we've really had. We were able to overcome it, but it took time - several years in fact. Also, when I myself was your age, I became increasingly estranged from my parents and this was never resolved - they were totally unable to behave like adults and were actually abusive and very neglectful parents. From your perspective, yes, I totally see how it seems that your Mum doesn't care about you anymore. And I will come back to this.From your Mum's perspective, she probably wanted divorce because she felt that marriage was limiting her as a person - countless women feel this way within marriage as the work that they do is 'invisible' - it involves caring, cleaning, sometimes combining paid employment. It is very, very easy for a woman to feel absolutely invisible and worthless in a marriage with children and as if she is absolutely nothing in her own right - and the way you write your post this is the way you seem to perceive her - really I don't say this to upset you, I understand that this just happens as children, but as a young adult, one really has to face up to that and start to perceive 'Mum' differently.This happened to me except I divorced my daughter's father when she was very young - much as I loved my daughter, as a single Mum even I had to admit in the end that she had become totally oblivious to the idea of me being a person - it wasn't until she went off to university that I saw how much of my life she expected me to surrender to her - I had gone without almost everything a normal woman in their 20's and 30's has in order to safeguard her welfare - working in jobs I hated, barely any friends, sacrificed the career I really wanted, couldn't hardly ever buy myself new clothes or go out. To be clear, my daughter was not spoiled by any normal standards - it;s just that, without any family support, with no help whatsoever from her Dad, I was like a slave trying to just give her a decent standard of living.Everything went to her and she expected it to stay that way after she left home. She compared her situation to what others were getting eg. getting their rent and fees paid for by parents - and she was suddenly angry with me that she'd not got the same, she felt cheated. At that time I felt totally exhausted and was trying to begin establishing a life for myself, finally - so you can see how we very nearly clashed over this.It was only because I'd seen how totally my own parents had immaturely rejected my attempts to ask for any care at all (really I asked for very, very little and they were, without doubt abusive) and how much pain this had caused me, that I was able to not do the same to her. I somehow found the strength not to react to what seemed like her expectations for not just material things but emotional care as if she were still a child. I felt very angry and very much as if I was nothing but something put on the planet to serve her. At the same time, she was trying to face up to what our situation had been compared with that of others and she was very confused.It was an incredibly fine line to have to walk - on the one hand she wanted all the care and stuff she'd been given as a child and on the other hand she wanted total independence. I'd say this is true of almost any 18 year old. My own life and what happened to me was not even in her head at all. It totally tested our relationship - at one point I had to state to her, very clearly, what I've pointed out here - that all my adult life I'd gone without in order to make sure she was okay. It hurt me to say it because I felt she should have realised. In your case I am not sure whether you are more like I was - definitely neglected as a child, particularly by my mother - or whether you are a little bit like my daughter - unable to accept your mother as a woman with her own right and with her own needs. I can understand why you need her, really I can feel this. On the other hand, I can completely understand why she is desperate to forge her own identity. It is almost impossible for any mother to get it right, this balance between recognising her child's need for independence and supporting the child at the same time. Also, as a mother at this time of a child's life, one goes through absolutely enormous self doubt about one's abilities as a mother, so it takes huge courage to face up to any possible failings. But, on top of that, it can become impossible to 'add in' a life of one's own.What my daughter and I found is that by each recognising the other as a person with needs, desires, likes and dislikes and also talking about what we expected from one another as mother and daughter, it became first of all easier and then it started to really work. But it certainly didn't come in one discussion and it took a lot of time for my daughter to adjust.Beyond thinking of your own needs - and here I am not denying them or saying they are wrong at all - are you able to see that your mother may have felt invisible and trapped in the marriage and even as a mother, whilst still loving you very much? Sometimes being in a marriage means that one cannot even be the kind of mother one would like to be, despite loving one's children. She seems to be saying, through actions rather than words, "I want you to see me as a person and not take me for granted, and I want to establish a new kind of relationship with you". At the moment you are dismayed that all this seems to be is a gift and meeting up. But can you see at as a starting point for something new?At the moment, it is like the relationship can't progress because a. you aren't taking much interest in her just as a person - you have needs, still, and seem very frightened and down that she doesn't seem to recognise that b. you are also not communicating your needs as her daughter and what you want and expect, so she can't really respond in a clear way/neither of you know where you are at c. You're not communicating what you would like to start giving in return by way of support and pleasure for her.A mother is not just someone who exists to support the child - she is a person. The older that a woman gets, sadly, it can be harder and harder for her to be valued - in Western society women really are not valued at all as they get older. So your Mum may feel she is in a race against time to make the most of things before she is too old. Maybe reassurance from her daughter that she is pretty, funny, interesting would go a very long way to boost her confidence and make her feel more able to support you?Relatedly, a child faces a difficult time in the final stages of independence - you still need your mum to support you but you also will want increasing freedom. The best thing you can do is to recognise all of this and to talk with her openly about it, with a view to you both being eventually able to relate as equals and as adults. The more that you do this, the more you will actually want to support one another and the more clearly you communicate the easier it will be.
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