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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: If my ex boyfriend was kind of abusive with me and emotionaly unavailable Will he be the same way with his next girlfriend or should I blame it on me? Sometimes I feel I taught him things he didn't know before I was his girl, and now those things are going to work on his advantage on his next relationship. It's not fair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Many abusers hate themselves and dispatch this hatrid onto the others, they need help to get past it. A boy was treated miserably by his step-father when he was young, as he grew up he treated people the same speculating their weakness. There are of course many types of abuse that are born/caused by a whole spectrum of factors, as for example being hospitable to bad influence and allowing it to mold your personality-nucleus in vulnerable ages. And so on. These people need to understand what they are doing wrong and how to correct it, otherwise they can't really be happy and the people close to them cannot either. Will this man be the same with his next girlfriend, you ask. It depends among other things on what he was willing to learn from your relation with him, and if his future relations will deepen the matter and how he will help himself furthermore. What you are doing now is wrong, nevertheless. You think you have worked in vain for an improvement in him and you are jealous your work will be fructified in other relations. You should be happy if it happens so, for it means you have helped him to an extent to see the good in himself, to explore it and ameliorate some departments of his life. What is unfair? The beneficent influence you can have on people? And no, don't blame yourself for his emotional inaccessibility, that was his choice [independently] of you, these choices usually have a start-point in a hurtful past and you should never think it is your fault, there is no reflection on you. Do you realise how this can damage you if you allow it to erode the sense of self-appreciation. You are lovable, think. Don't dwell on the past, you just have to find a healthy relation where there is giving and taking on each other's part and be happy for this man if he finds the correct path. Hopefully you will have found yours by then as well. And everyone happy.
A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (26 September 2007):
As 'unfair' as it may seem - that's exactly how relationships work. More specifically, that's how human behaviour works - we learn with each interaction and each experience ... and grow from it. It's the same as going to school - you start off learning ABC and 123, and you build from there.
Yes, he'll take lessons he learnt from you into his next relationship - but so will you! You'll have learnt about behaviour you do and don't like in a relationship and you'll learn to recognise the signs early of those things you don't like.
Keep in mind that he, like so many, may not have actually learnt anything and - like someone having to repeat a year at school - he might continue to make the same mistakes again & again until he realises that he needs to change.
The big tip is not to focus your thoughts on him & what he's doing - instead, focus on you & what you have learnt & how you're going to grow from it. Maybe you'll learn to communicate early on when you see the signs & not just let the "little things" go because you think they're insignificant - you'll know to discuss those things that bother you immediately and assertively, you'll know to steer clear of men that seem to get angry very quickly.
There are a lot of good books out there for women that have been in abusive relationships. I would certainly suggest doing some reading / counselling so you're in a better, less vulnerable, position for when you enter your next relationship.
Best of luck.
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