A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, she is 24. At first it was great, we saw each other all the time, we kissed and held each other a lot, we had lots of sex, we talked about the future and getting a place together.After a year and a half we split because I was accused of stealing from work, and she thought I had done it. She worked for same company but in management, so of course she got investigated too. I didnt do it and they had no evidence to show I did.Anyway, we were split for 3 months but still saw each other and had sex. Only difference is that everyone knew we had split. After 3 months we got back together, but she wouldnt tell anyone and to this day no one knows we are dating.Since getting back, we hardly kiss, hold each other or have sex. When we do any of these things its as if she doing it just to pacify me. Then she told me yesterday she doesnt like sex and only does it for me. She says she loves me and doesnt want to lose me, but wont commit to anything more than sleeping with me once every now and then. If we have sex once a month i'll be lucky. I worked out we only see each other 8 times every month, and each time is anything between 1 hour to 3 hours. This is not a relationship is it?I want more. Before the split we talked about moving in together, but now she wont even consider it. She says she cant be without me, but then wont take the relationship further. We were closer before the split, but she says we were just living a lie. Sorry, but seeing each other for over a year and keeping it secret is living a lie!!!I love her, but I dont feel the same as I did because she broke my heart when she split with me. It took a while to get used to that, but never got over it.I know a lot of her troubles are because she was raped at 16 and told no one, except me. She had to live with that and come to terms with it all on her own. Its still affecting her now even though she wont admit it.I am at a loss as to what I should do as I dont want to leave her.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 What she feels about you is more of a sickly, unruly kind of love, which isn't love at all... in fact (she doesn't trust you, won't commit, but needs you and can't be without you). She has issues. You on the other hand have the right to remain sane. 3 years ago everything was not great, her issues and hurt were still there, but they were revealed later. Nothing changed during this time, you just grew more used to each other. As a rape victim, she hasn't been able to move past that terrible experience, she needs to cling onto something that makes her world more comfortable, less scary. Your presence, good or bad, partly good, partly bad, has become a habit, she is used to you and you help her by being a constant but obviously it's not enough for her to confront her issues and whisk them off of her to try and bring more balance in her life. She should be encouraged to seek help, to deal with what happened years ago. There is not much more you can do than be friends and keep in touch. In the meanwhile, you should move on with your life, as there is little you can offer each other in this so called relationship. Stop the sex, if she only does it for your sake. She should know your relationship doesn't change much, you will still see her but you are removing from the equation all that she dislikes and all that aside, what is left is the friendship and you can build on it. She has to do baby steps and concentrate on her recovery and not on being in an unhealthy relationship that you have, so step aside in that respect and agree with her that she focuses on her healing and that you will always be near as a friend and be supportive. Maybe that is what she wants, but doesn't realise, or fears that by breaking up she will lose you altogether, her own thoughts must be very unclear and upsetting and probably frightening to her because she is pretty messed up not having sought help from the start and not having had the right tools and the mindframe to know what's wrong and how to go about cleaning up and facing those demons. You are probably soothing to have around every now and then but until she is happy with herself and ready to open up and learn, she will not be happy in any relationship. It's not OK that she refuses she needs help but hopefully she comes to accept this and learn to stop the hurt from ruling her life and relationships, seeing how it has affected her so far into this stage. Please see this resource, also, she should read more on her situation too. There are many other online resources. You shouldn't insist either. She will do what she has to, when she feels ready and at her own pace.http://www.justicewomen.com/help_special_rape.html
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