A
female
age
36-40,
*loridaGirl
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I am 24 he is 27. I am starting to lose respect for him for a few reasons. He plays online and console video games A LOT. Meaning the days I wake up at his house I can pretty much expect to sit there all day while he plays. This is a really sore subject for me because I was raised to think that video games and TV are a waste of time. I also had to watch my brother who was a bright and vibrant young boy turn into a recluse video game addict. I know because of my brother that people don't become addicted to video games because they are happy individuals. I don't want to lose respect for him but it's really hard not to. How can you have respect for someone that doesn't respect themselves enough to think their time would be better spent elsewhere. He is essentially a loser, his friends are all getting married,having kids and jobs and will come over and tease him about it. It's so embarrassing. Another reason I have lost respect is that while he is playing these games I will be cleaning either my house or his and I could be cleaning for hours on end and it would never occur to him to help. When on the other hand, if I see people cleaning I HELP. I mean how can you not feel like a scumbag sitting there while someone is just cleaning all around you. Just the other day I finally called him out on the fact that he has never even cleaned a toilet once in his life. I blame his mom for enabling him to be waited on hand and foot. I mean it's like he practically expects it.(She still does his laundry) So this is where I don't really think there is motivation to change because he thinks there are women out there like his mom that will wait around on men to her own detriment. So I guess my questions are what do you think I should do about it? -I have tried suggesting things to do, but he also has an annoying habit of only taking to his interests. And his interests are all self-serving like skate boarding and art. And my interests all require a partner like tennis,golf,and camping.For Example: We go to the skate park and I watch him skate. No big whoop.I enjoy it though I can't technically participate. Exmaple #2: We go hiking. He considers it something he's done for me. Like a charity or keeping a tally. Rather than something we are doing together. He very much enjoys bringing it up in fights like "I do so much for you like hiking and on and on!!" Its so frustrating because I think of all the times ive cleaned and cooked and DONE EVERYTHING without so much as even mentioning it and the second he does one thing he turns a formerly good thing into a horrible thing. Now I don't even get enjoyment out of doing anything with him because it feels like a charity or a pawn to use against me later.Have you ever had something like this happen to you or a friend?
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reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (3 March 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question@celiaaletta-
-How many hours a day would you say that he plays video games?
about 5-7 hours.
-Did he play as much prior to being robbed? No he's definitely upped the game-play since then.
A
female
reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (3 March 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question@LonelyTwo The reason I want a degree is because this is what I was groomed to do. We moved across the US to the Northeast so that my brother and I could get the best education possible. The high school I graduated from has 96% of their students go on to attend 4 year programs. The top 10% go on to Ivy League schools. I suppose I just assumed everyone went to college after high school. My parents made sacrifices for me to have the opportunities I have and I find it selfish not to pursue the highest level of education possible. I will also be the first to graduate in my family and I take great pride in that. I don't see my degree as an artificial achievement imposed upon me. Just this past week I was studying for my exit exam and as I went through all my old books it really sank in just how much work it has been and felt such a sense of accomplishment and renewed faith in myself. I just want him to feel that same feeling I had when looking at my stack of books and I know he won't find it on a video game. I'm working on that though :) Thanks again for your input!
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Just like anything people become complacent. I would suggest that since it seems like you have given him ample opportunity that it may be high time for you to set some bottom lines.
Nothing jolts somebody awake quite like the fear of losing something,and this is no exception.
Please remember that VG addiction is all too real as you should know from what you have witnessed from your brother and from your own addiction issues you have written of. As with any other addiction he may have to be presented with a fait accompli and you need to be willing for yourself to stick to it. If that means leaving him, then so be it.
when you get to the point of belittling him in your post, this relationship has pretty much run its course. And of course you posted here, so he means something to you.
But when you present him with the ultimatum please be prepared to walk if he even hesitates. Once again, in these type of situations one can not hope to begin to recover unless they are in fear of losing something. Just sticking around and nagging does no good, and unless you present him with your bottom line, I am afraid your relationship will soon see its last sunrise.
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female
reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (1 March 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question@LonelyTwo I will say that I did not mention qualities that im looking for in my ideal man because he is my ideal man in terms of how he loves me and how we get along. There has been a falling out over these superficial ideals I have. But to me it is important to have two parents that are educated with good work ethic to lead by example. I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to succeed and sometimes to my own detriment. So it gets to be a little disheartening when my significant has shown no will to better himself. I'm very stressed about being all I can be for my future family and im sure he is stressed as well. But how he is dealing with the stress is unproductive and how im dealing with his unproductive behavior is also in turn unproductive. I was addicted to drugs in high school and I realized I had more to contribute to the world than sitting around with inanimate objects dulling myself down. It hurts me to see him with these video games because it feels like he is doing what I did in high school but with video games. I want him to get inspired by his abilities and potential and realize he has so much more to give than that.
Thanks for your time and advice :)
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female
reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (1 March 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question@celiaaletta You can trust me on this one I have not been passive about asking. I just got tired of getting resentment and anger in response. Matter of fact I have taken your activity X at X time and applied it to this scenario to no avail. He was very clear on what I needed, which to be honest isn't much. """"As far as going out is concerned, if he doesn't enjoy hiking or running, then he doesn't enjoy it. If he's ONLY into self-serving activities, then find a way to turn them into something a couple can do."""So because he is more stubborn and close minded towards new interests I should take up all of his? That's not 50/50 at all. I just want him to meet me halfway like I have tried with him. I do go to the skate parks with him and it's fun. I already knew how to skate on longboards and mini boards before I met him. I was thinking we could skate together more often the only thing that holds us back is my board is a cruising board and he has the whole street skating thing going on. So it's me cruising around in circles while he grinds the same handrail over and over again hahaI really like the idea of doing the easels in the park thing. We have some really cool trees over by the art museum he would like to paint! Picnic sounds good too! The sad part is I don't even clean over there at all anymore. When I did initially and I noticed I was getting these negative feelings I stopped and just stuck to cleaning my place. Things were fine for awhile but it's just getting ridiculous how uncooperative he's getting. Almost spitefully. For instance I have 18" sample tiles in my house right now to see what it looks like. The floor it's laid on is not 100% flat so I say "Watch out! Don't step on that it's on uneven ground." moment of hesitation,conscious decision to ignore---crack!--- So it's his attitude of doing the opposite of what I ask and just being defiant that has led me to just want to walk away. I'm currently trying the planning things at certain times and it seems to be working out well. I'll just have to find some car shows coming up or something. Thank you for the advice!
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reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (1 March 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question@LoneleyTwo The hobbies I like that he considers a waste of time are gardening,fixing up my condo, and that I want to build a chicken coop. :) He has no interest in either one and probably thinks they're dumb hobbies.The goals and dreams I had for this partnership were to ultimately be together and raise a family. I suppose I was hoping that we agreed more on big issues. For example he sees himself living on a beach in Florida doing artwork and graphic design which doesn't sound too bad. On the other hand I really would like to raise a family closer to Massachusetts where my family is. And he wants nothing to do with cold weather! haha but I miss the mountains and trees! Another issue is culturally we are different in some areas. His family is from Argentina and his dad has probably never touched a vacuum in his life. In contrast I grew up in a household where chores were shared. It seems like if he does clean he doesn't want it to be around me because it feels weird to him and perhaps emasculating. His dad will also scold his mom for interrupting right at the dinner table and say her cooking is terrible. I am afraid that I will get treated this way someday. What I envision for myself is someone who has a Degree and a job and I with mine and we are both equally successful. I don't mean to be mean but he does not have a degree or the get up and go attitude, so im worried for him. Even if we aren't together im worried for him. I think this is what he is trying to escape from with the video games. The fact that he still has not went through with his plans to go to art school and he is now coming up on the age to settle down.
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reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (28 February 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I didn't realize that my explanation came off so harsh! I know he certainly doesn't deserve to be called those names just for playing a game.
@ Risk I have actually sat down calmly and told him how I feel and said that we should go to counseling because we both play a role in the dynamic. He doesn't want to go and actually tried to make me feel silly for having gone in the past by myself.
@annalisa If I could get him to have a healthy balance with his video games that would be amazing. But I do leave him to relax and have his alone time, and for the past 6 months I have been living alone although he's in the house. I hadn't seen him for 4 days and when I did he handed me food he had brought, then when straight to the computer to play games. No hug. No hello even. It's really sad because he is an artist that used to do live art shows, paint murals, was published in a few local art magazines and was really on the up and up. Now he has not done any art in about a year despite opportunities to do so. It's like ever since he was robbed he is afraid of leaving the house and things just spiraled from there.
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reader, facebook fairy  +, writes (28 February 2010):
hi, i think in writing this you have ansewered your own question. Reading through your letter 5 points stick out to me, you call him a loser, embarrassing, a scumbag you say you have lost respect for him and figuratively speaking you refer to him as lazy. Based on that i would suggest that if these are truly how you see him then you need to move on to pastures new. if you do not have respect for your partner, if there is all this bitterness toward him then how are you supposed to move forward together? I strongly suggest going your separate ways but if you dont feel able to do that, maybe you dont have enough selfconfidence, or feel this is all there is, why not use going out with your friends and doing things that dont include him as a startin point? and if he doesnt miss your company then at least you have your answer and hopefully your confidence back.
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reader, LoverBoy91  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 100% agree with strongfp. You need to get him out of the house and get him more active, the gym idea is really good, and you can go with him, if it's a gym for both men and women.
If it doesn't work, be ready to break up with him, and keep contact with him after wards so you'll be able to know if he has changed at all, and maybe you can take him back if he has.
Good luck!
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female
reader, FloridaGirl +, writes (28 February 2010):
FloridaGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the quick response! I have tried the gym but he doesn't like it. I have tried running but he has skate shoes that hurt his feet but thinks running shoes look stupid. As I'm typing that last sentence it makes me feel like I'm talking about a child lol. Anyways, long story short he doesn't like team sports or any sports having to do with other people, hence the skateboarding, and is pretty unapologetic about it.
I'm just starting to think he is boring and narrow minded. I was at dinner with his family describing my interests and his dad made fun of me saying "Oh well doesn't she just like everything!" like it's a bad thing. I'd rather spread myself thin experiencing new things than the other option personally.It doesn't seem like his parents really fostered his interests in things growing up, and as a matter of fact his dad went on to make fun of his interest in skateboarding later that night. I'm starting to think his parents raised a stubborn, lazy, jerk.
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reader, Risk  +, writes (28 February 2010):
God, I understand your concern, and this is defintely an issue to be dealt with, but GOD! PUT YOUR EGO ASIDE.
If you truly care for him, maybe YOU should take steps to help him. Encourage him to not play video games.
He has a problem, that is clear, but you need to address your own problems first. What if the next guy you are with likes to play video games, and you get your haunting flashbacks from your previous relationship, and take your anger out on him?
You are not being a productive helper by complaining to your boyfriend. Talk with him in a caring, understanding way. And, by the looks of it, it seems like you let this go on for years, and it will be hard for him to get out of his video game rut.
Take things in baby steps, and when things start to get better, don't give there, keep encouraging and helping him overcome his addiction, until you are both satisfied.
Hope things work out
I don't believe the guy is a true scum-bag if you let him become the best person he can be, and nourish your relationship together.
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